A rapper that raps for hours on end just to make the show longer.
Fiibuster Rhymes.
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Me: I’ve got a preposition for you…
English teacher: I’m listening
Fool me once, shame on you
Fool me twice, shame on me
Fool me three times, I’m never sending you nudes again.
The man standing outside the nursing home just asked if I had any teeth to sell
Rap: MONEY GUNS & SEX
Rock: DRUGS & SEX
Country: BEER GOD & SEX
Pop: PARTIES GIRLS & ALCOHOL
Dubstep: BWA BWA BABWAA
Sean Paul: SEAN PAUL!
This weekend I lost an hour to daylight saving time and another hour stuck behind a person at the ATM who was apparently transferring funds to a Swiss bank account, refinancing their mortgage, and making 12 withdraws from 12 different accounts.
Why there can’t be an Indian Breaking Bad.
ME: I wish all of my enemies would randomly feel a crunch when they’re eating something definitely not crunchy
SATAN: holy shit
Didn’t find out until I got to work that these exposed-shoulder tops are intended for women.
I came across 3 snakes while mowing the yard today, but those of you in North America already know that because you heard me scream
me after noticing a slight change in someone’s energy towards me
Wizard of Oz (1939): A hapless teen suffering from head trauma is led down the wrong path to cosplay, heroin, organ harvesting and ultimately, homicide.
I’m not saying she’s worse than my mom…
But my wife doesn’t seem to like any of my girlfriends.
So Torchwood, the Who spinoff, is notably an anagram of Doctor Who, so obviously this must be the rule for all subsequent spinoffs. I’m now going to pitch my show “Hoot Crowd” about a large group of time-travelling owls.
Toddlers can actually be very generous despite their reputation. Sometimes they’ll even offer you the food from out of their own mouth.
On TV no men can tie a necktie but all women can and there’s no backstory to explain it
If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
Never, EVER, check mail when you get home on a Saturday evening. Unless you’re sure it’s a check made out to you.
Caller: Emergency Sevices? I’m on fire.
Me: That’s great, keep up the good work.
UBER: Sounds better than “Let’s get in this strange man’s car!”
I love that sexy thing you do, what’s it called again? Oh yeah, me.
Me: I’m so stressed
Heart: play some music you’ll feel better
Stomach: feed me cookies you’ll feel better
Brain: cut all your hair off
Me: wait what?
Brain: today.
I went out last night and my husband put the 3yo and the baby to bed by himself, which neither of us has done alone yet. I got home and everyone was asleep and he was so calm, and I was like “Wow I’m so glad it well went!” and he was like “oh no, it went terribly.” 😂
I automatically write off anything Donald Trump says because someone with that much money has no excuse for that hair.
The automatic toilet flusher is taking away your rights!
Keep a few cat turds in your pockets, just in case a cop searches you. He will get cat poop on his hands, and you can laugh. It’s all legal.
Pediatrician: They’re only getting two hours of screen time a day, right?
Me: HAHAHAHA! I mean, yes.
“Another job replaced by automation” I lament as a tornado seamlessly delivers a newspaper to every driveway on the block
I give such good nudes that nobody ever needs to ask me for a second one.
Those 5 donuts I ate are really going to give me an extra boost during my workout today.
The only reason I’d want to go to heaven is to speak to the manager.