Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I could never do time in prison – The handshakes are way too complicated.

“Let me get this straight, you got your asses kicked by four fully mature mutant ninja turtles?”

“No, sir, it’s actually worse than that.”

I’ve done a lot of crazy things in my life. Things I’m not proud of. Things I should be ashamed of. And I hope I’m not finished.

After it’s spent a hard day protecting my phone I take my OtterBox off. I rest my case.

If you need some deep cleaning done today, find someone with ADHD who has a paper due tomorrow morning

wife: please don’t do anything stupid
me: ok… wait,
tonight or ever?

Anyone know what emoji I can use for “no mum, I don’t remember the woman who lived 4 doors down from us 36 years ago who had no neck”? x

[commercial for rakes]

“Are u tired of eating leaves?”

Me: Hey Mr. DJ, do you take requests?

Dj: Yes.

M: Excellent, can you turn it down a bit.

“I’m gonna look to my left and run as fast as I can.”

– Toddlers

Mosquito *bites a vampire*:

Holy shit, this guy’s a whole buffet!

“Damn girl are you?” -Existentialist pick-up line

Me: What’s with the look?

Hub: How would you like a full-service massage?

Me: I would, but will you and the kids be okay while I’m gone?

I have a ghost cat. My Litter Robot just told me it detected a 5.9 pound cat. I don’t have a 5.9 pound cat or one close to that weight.

Teenage Jesus: Hey dad, why you wearing that crucifix?
God: It’s an idea I have for a public holiday.
TJ: Huh?
G: It’s complicated.

(pretending to be well-read to impress a girl)
War and Peace? Yeah I loved that one
“What was your favorite part?”
I’d have to say the Peace

4 out of 5 dentists recommend Trident sugarless gum. The 5th dentist is busy butchering protected wildlife.

The shittier a bank’s website is, the safer your money is. Clean and easy to use web portal? You’re being scammed. Barely functioning console log looking windows 95 ass flash page? Sleep easy at night.

My 3 year old cried all day yesterday because he lost his brand new Spiderman sunglasses. Searched the whole house to no avail. I just asked if he remembered where he put them & he casually said, “Yes, at the bottom of the laundry basket in my room.” My bad for not asking sooner.

[me as a disc jockey]
me: call in with any requests
*phone rings*
me: you’re on the air
caller: please stop playing mambo number 5

“Open Mike Night” sounded like a lot of fun until I realised I’d been invited to an autopsy.

Director: one of you actors tampered with my DNA last night!
Tom Cruise: not me, I went cruising
Elizabeth Banks: I was at the bank.
Gene Hackman: *drops test tube in surprise*

How come I can get free wifi with a $3 cup of coffee but I can’t get it with a $150 hotel room?

On autopsy, instead of pumping my stomach to determine what I’ve eaten in the past 24 hours, a coroner need only look down my cleavage.

Hey can someone tell CNN about snakes?

it’s cool how the members of Anonymous are so good at computer stuff, but also wrote so many great poems and inspirational quotations.

When people dig up a grave in the movies it’s always so fast. It usually takes me days.

Psychiatrist is just a fancy word for mood critic.

Some call it alcoholism, I call it “keeping my emotions hydrated”

Vegetarians and vegans
are admirable ……

but cannibals are the real humanitarians.