Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

so, is there a mister shapen head

women at the gym use every other treadmill like men do urinals

I can’t wait til there’s a chalk outline filter

I triple waxed for this?

ok here’s the deal. Yes it was dumb of NASA to ask Sally Ride if she needed 100 tampons for a 7-day mission, but I would have said “Actually I need 250” because that’s free tampons from the government, babbbbyyy.

I told my wife she was packing the suitcase wrong so guess who has to put his vacation clothes in grocery bags now.

Friend: “You really shouldn’t let pets sleep in your bed.”
Me: “But I like cuddling!”
Friend: “I think your goldfish is dead now.”

[during sex]
gf: this is so hot, seth!

seth macfarlane: shut up, I’ll do all the voices!

gf:

seth [feminine voice]: this is so hot, seth!

Stuffed animals are strange like an actual tiger will tear you to pieces but here ya go kid, sweet dreams.

You can’t scare me, you’re not getting my kids ready for school all by myself

My wife really is the sunshine of my life.

Too bad I’m a vampire.

What are some fun shapes kids would like to eat?

Perdue Chicken: Dinosaurs?
McCain Potatoes: Smiley faces?
Mondelez Candies: Other Kids!

I can tell people are judgmental just by looking at them.

She said she wanted to bump uglies. So, naturally, I got all showered & freshened up and then I rammed my Ford Pinto into her Honda Element.

Jesus rose from the grave because he forgot to clear his browser History

My dudes have been airbrushed so hard they look one of those hand drawn movie posters from Ghana

nothing draws me into a true-crime show more than finding out it’s set in my town

“Omg, I know where that is!!”

Did you know that there is a little lonely man inside automatic towel dispensers that gives you a towel because he’s happy you waved to him?

Find a penny pick it up and all day long you’ll have an obsolete form of currency in your pocket.

I have bent many spoons in my life, the vast majority of which involved ice cream. Therefore, ice cream is the primary ingredient of activating supernatural powers.

I told my wife that she was sounding like her mother and I realized that was a mistake after I regained consciousness.

I go through the 7 stages of grief just to get to work everyday.

Thanks to Fitbit, all my anxious pacing can be passed off as exercise.

[reading Harry Potter]

Me: Do you know what’s going on?

3-year-old: He went to lizard school.

I’d correct her, but her version is better.

ME: *cracking open a 6-pack*

FRIEND: Is that… pudding?

Pros and cons of doing something you love:

Pros: It’s something you love

Cons: Doing.

WHY ISN’T THE MEDIA TALKING ABOUT THIS?!👇

*links to story on mainstream media site*

I love how fresh & clean my bathroom smells after I’ve killed a spider with a full bottle of windex

I wonder if both Wright Brothers were behind their inventions, or it was just one & their mother yelling “Wilbur, you include your brother!”

Undertaker: “What do you want your husbands gravestone to say?”
Wife: “Nothing. I want a traditional, non-talking one.”