a rare painting of a dragon eating spaghetti
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“Why put a baseball bat up when you can just lay it down on a stair in the middle of the stairway? What could go wrong?”
~My son apparently
[White Castle]
YOU (a slob): 6 hamburgers, please.
ME (a health nut): 5 hamburgers, please.
Me: this is almost as scary as the dmv haha
Dentist: haha yeah, my license is suspended
Me: oh, what do you drive?
Dentist: deep breath and count back from 3. drive?
Him: How many glasses of wine have you had today?
Me: One, but it was in the shape of a giant bottle.
Is this your resume?
“Yep”
It just says you used to leave shit at your friends’ doors, ring the bell & run away
“Oh yes”
Welcome to UPS!
I asked my husband to play bagpipes at my funeral so I can be happy that I’m dead.
I stepped away from Twitter for a few days, and now my entire house is decluttered, I’ve written a novel, I learned to speak a new language, and came close to finding out the true meaning of life.
I took the PBJ out a couple of times, but things got stale, my relationship with the milk soured quickly, and I wouldn’t really call what that bagel and I did “dating.”
HIM: I love reading big novels.
ME: No kidding, so do I!
*I whip out one of those oversized picture books they use in kindergarten*
When an elevator stops on a floor and no one gets on or off, I always think ghost.
My family wants to start exercising more so now I have to jog to another town and find a new family
Me: NOTHING GETS DONE IN THIS HOUSE UNLESS I DO IT MYSELF!
Also me: *lives alone*
I love lifting but it’s so embarrassing that I’ve become a gym bro like, my parents told me I’m gonna hurt myself lifting and drinking preworkout and I was like “well I’d rather die as a lion than live as a sheep.” Wtf? I need to shut up like who do I think I am
My wife and I toss a coin to settle our arguments. If the coin comes down, she wins, if it stays suspended in air forever, I win.
My dog watching me set my burrito down when I go to answer the door
You can get anything you want in life, if you have the right amount of charge on your taser.
Under the age of one, babies primarily drink milk, but may supplement their diet with all the crumbs they find on the floor even though you swear you just vacuumed.
“Have you considered living on campus?” I ask.
“For a school that’s 30 minutes away? That’s crazy.” My 17 year old answers.
I eat my chili from a small ice cream bowl with an oversized serving spoon (because all of our dishes are in his room) as I stare sadly out the window.
Did anyone ask the daylight if it wanted to be saved?
Conflicts may arise but always remember to be the bitter person.
Everyone’s gangsta till you’re waiting on your dog to poop.
Friends don’t tell friends 1980 was 40 years ago.
Since I started yoga I’ve got so flexible I can now bend over far enough to see my toes.
The new iPhone’s front camera detects when you’re looking at another phone and gives you a small electric shock.
Met someone who was born in 2001 and they had the nerve to lie and say that they’re not 2 years old.
no one:
coworker at a part time job you’ve known for one calendar day: so remember when I told you about that guy I’ve been texting Brian well anyway I hooked up with his roommate just to see what he’d do and lemme just read you this text I got from him just now ok so he goes,
ME: Gosh it’s murderously hot today.
CLIMATE: *under breath* Shit they’re onto me.
– Lads, I’ve driven all the snakes out of Ireland.
– Did we have snakes?
– Oh yes, thousands of em.
– I’ve never seen any sn…
– THOUSANDS!
So it’s okay for the cat to run away and hide under the bed when visitors turn up.
But when I do it, I’m “antisocial”.
I call bullshit.
channeling her this year
