a rare painting of a dragon eating spaghetti
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Yes, this is exactly right
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*For those who believe everything they see on social media, kindly watch this.*(👆)
Hiring a sky writer to remind my wife about the time I emptied the dishwasher.
Like you’ve never thought about giving Adderall to a turtle.
(Has hundreds of bad experiences smelling things)
Him: Smell this
Me: Okay
I ate a cliff bar before bed, now I can’t stop dreaming about hiking
Don’t tell me I don’t know anything about love. I just saw them open up a cheesecake sampler at Costco.
*takes off pants*
*crawls into bed*Security Guard- Lady, this is Macy’s
*crawls out of bed*
*puts on pants*SG- Those aren’t your pants
Using a cellphone in 90’s: “he’s prob a drug dealer”
Using a payphone today: “he’s prob a drug dealer”
Another morning waking up not knowing where tf you are or how you got there.
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DoorDash is great if you like having a sandwich and also 13 emails
What’s a demon’s favorite Hungarian food?
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Ghoulash.And…
…am I doing this joke thing right?
“Rethink this?” buddy I didn’t even think this the first time
OMFG!
I just learned a dentist up the street from us got arrested for dealing drugs.
Just goes to show you how wrong you can be about your neighbors,
I’ve been going to this guy for well over a decade, I never knew he was a dentist.
My velour track pants say ‘antidisestablishmentarianism’ on one cheek and ‘juicy’ on the other
One time I made my Scottish born mama red beans and rice when she came to Texas for a visit and after she accused me of trying to kill her.
my cat: *hacking up a hairball*
my german neighbor: holy shit that cat is talking
I’m no longer allowed to keep my car window open at stop lights because of my genius for accurately describing pedestrians.
AC changed “dies slow death” to “does slow death” and that actually feels more on point
Wife: you are the wind beneath my wings
Me: [spraying air freshener] sorry
[first date questions]
You like meat? I make killer beef jerky with leftover hobo carcasses…and she’s gone
Whatever she’s probably vegan
me: ok for that, i need you to roll a perception check
cop: that’s not how this works
COP: I’m arresting you
ME: oh no
COP: You must make one phone call
ME: OH NO
Remember when we used to jump out of the swings? Those knees were fresh.. fresh out the box
my only concern about UFOs is if they’re staying they should be paying their fair share in taxes.
Me attempting to flirt: So do you also like eating food?
They should really have disposable razors in the women’s bathrooms at bars.
My husband came into the room said something then got into his car and left. He could be going to the store for milk or running for the Canadian border, I wasn’t listening.
Why did God make Trolls World Tour so hard to say?