a rare painting of a dragon eating spaghetti
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Me: what’s your job
Them: I’m a bank teller
Me: *nervously* what do you tell it
I refused to ask a guy with a Blackberry what time it was because he doesn’t even know what year it is.
Just so we’re all clear since there’s a lot of disagreement about birth years:
Boomer = Anyone older than you that you don’t like
Millennial = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like
We should probably abolish the death penalty since we don’t even get to throw rotten vegetables at people anymore
Me: Going to the concert with my friends now
Wife: Say hi to everyone for me![Later]
Me *individually greeting 10,000 people* this is exhausting
That awkward moment when a person says they need their beauty sleep when what they really need is plastic surgery.
Nobody:
My kid: I want my nickname to now be Hot Dogs.
75% of parenting is taking their keys to punish them
And giving them back because they’re driving you crazy
Introverts are just extroverts who have realized that most people suck.
9: Have you seen my harmonica?
[flashback to me smashing it with a hammer]
me: Did you look under your bed?
doctor: your parents were in a car accident
me: how are they?
doctor: they’re extremely critical
me: so they’re awake, that’s good
Every squirrel is a flying squirrel if you’ve got a good throwing arm.
is it pronounced stephen or stefan? anyways he’s now pronounced dead, sorry about your dad kid *ruffles hair*
[to tall guy in front of me at the movies] dude at least face the screen
i maintain uninterrupted eye contact with my boss, who is in the process of firing me, as i slowly pull out a chimichanga from my coat pocket & begin eating it
in addition to Lady Doritos, Doritos plans to make Alpha Male Doritos, which will be just shards of broken glass
I think
Therefore I am
Tongue tied
Jello shots because who doesn’t like adding a lot of work and time to taking a shot…
HELP how do you know if a guy likes you or is only talking to you because you accidentally hit him with your car
therapist: so what would you like to talk about this session?
me: lois lane must have been like the shittiest reporter
that colleague who touches your screen
This woman on TikTok asked what centaurs do with their arms when they are galloping, and I can’t stop thinking about it.
Can hardly wait until my winter fat turns into spring rolls.
isaac newtown got hit in the head & invented calculus. i broke my nose last night when I was drunk & invented a louder version of crying.
I don’t drink, but I, a 33yo mom, stayed up till 3 and then only slept for five hours before embarking on a 4 mile hike, and I’m pretty sure this is exactly how it feels to be hungover.
me: [on phone] I need a doctor’s appointment
receptionist: it’s going to be at least a month
me: ok I’ll hold
CHILD: goodnight earth, goodnight stars, goodnight orb
MOM: no it’s goodnight moon, honey
ORB: t h i s c h i l d w i l l b e s p a r e d
“And why did you join our gym?”
▫️to stay healthy
▫️a friend recommended it
☑️I’ve seen myself naked
You can extend the olive branch..
but you can’t beat them over the head with it
can you start monday at 8?
“yes, thank you for the opportunity”
[calls new boss at his home on sunday night]
hello?
“am or pm?”