a rare painting of a dragon eating spaghetti
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Me: *juggles stapler, tape dispenser and hand sanitizer*
Interviewer: I meant are you good at multitasking. Please return those items to my desk.
My wife said the infinity scarf I got her is too small and I said: “That’s mathematically impossible.”
Anyhoo, we’re divorced now.
If I arrive at your party and you ask me to help cut up the pineapple, I’m mad at you.
*too embarrassed to buy condoms**buys 3D printer**makes gun**robs condom factory*
Week 1 of diet: 10 more pounds to go
Week 2 of diet: 15 more pounds to go
The best part about putting your cat on a diet is the frequent wake up calls every couple of hours starting around 2am 🙃
In France for work. Obviously I knew there would be lots of people with dogs. What I was not prepared for is that the dogs seem aware they are French
Him: I’m thinking about shaving my beard
Her: Okay
Him: You don’t mind?
Her: Nope
Him: Great
Her: I’m thinking about getting a divorce
Him: You’ve made your point
People are surprised when I tell them I don’t like cilantro. Mostly because I’m in their house unannounced
Learn cursive, they said. You’ll need it your whole life, they said.
waiting for the exact moment these birds fall asleep so i can scream profanities at them nonstop for a few hours
People buying plungers never look happy.
School district says no pajamas for online classes
What are you gonna do, send them home?
Tax questionnaires make me sad. “Still single? Still no home? No kids? Life is meaningless?” Get out of my FACE Turbo Tax
Denise please return my vape pen
calling dibs, but dibs never calls me back 🙁
If Shakespeare were alive today, he’d write a tragedy about the fate of the single French fry that comes with every order of onion rings.
“Bob is coming over for dinner.”
Bob from work or Bob the giraffe?
*there’s a knock at the upstairs window*
whenever i see sombody obsessively taking photos of the sunset, i go up to them & whisper “dont worry.. the sun is gonna come back tomorow”
Him: I’d take a bullet for you
Me: I’ll allow it.
pisses me off when I’m taking a longer than average drink at the drinking fountain and someone says “hey save some for the fishes” when just before i’d filled up a bucket at the drinking fountain and drove it to the nearest lake and dumped it in there
[first day as an ambulance driver]
ME: *crashes into a light pole*
PARTNER: what the hell you’re not even in the vehicle yet
A homeless man randomly asked me if I was from Minnesota yesterday, so I replied, “no, but once I stabbed a guy who grew up in Minneapolis”
Dog park man handed me an ice cream and I must’ve looked a bit too excited because he felt the need to clarify it was for the pup not me
Me: what will you trade me for my Soul
Devil: dude I am NOT buying your KIA
Gollum had a pretty sweet setup for a while. Cave where no one bothers him. Cool item to look at in his cave
Money doesn’t grow on trees. Your move, multinational agricultural biotechnology corporations.
waiter: are there any allergies at the table?
me (already drunk): BEES
#have a #great #PancakeDay
5yo discovered superglue when I wasnt looking. His theory is that is fixes everything, including ripped pages in books.