a rare painting of a porcu’melon
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Don’t think that computers should be allowed to make those ‘dun-dun’ error noises at me. It’s not polite. I am trying my best.
What’s the difference between a $20 steak and a $85 steak?
February 14th.
I wish the dude that jogs around my neighborhood all day would wear a Super Mario costume. And occasionally duck into sewers.
“That’s a lot of food” I say as if I’m not going to eat it all.
Don’t pay your taxes. Get sent to a cool ass prison. Boom, now taxes pay you. Life hack.
“I bet you’re sexy & not creepy at all. Send me a selfie.”
*sends 5 second video of myself staring and smiling*
“Surprise!” they yelled as he came in.
He screamed.
“Happy birthday!” they said.
“Do I know you?”
“No. We’re just excellent surprisers.”
FRIEND: and this is my pug
PUG: oink
ME: (thinkig to self) did that pug just say “oink”
Him: I’m feeling under the weather.
DATING: I’m so sorry. That stinks.
ENGAGED: I will nurse you back to health with chicken soup and cuddles.
MARRIED: *sprays him with lysol*
[After 2 hours of explaining a complicated board game]
Ok, let’s just play and I’ll explain as we go.
A very large bee just flew by and dropped a big spider on me. What kind of sick collaboration is this?
PARK RANGER: to be a guide you need to be able to name all the animals
ME: no problem
[later w/ a group]
ME: that’s Greg, & that’s Linda…
At this point the angel on my shoulder just mutters “You’ll regret it,” then slowly sips whiskey.
Any time a sentence starts with “This is America!” brace your ears for some next level ignorant shit.
My teacher always said not to worry about correct spelling, because we have autocorrect.
And for that I am infernally grapefruit.
I WOULD LIKE TO SPEAK TO THE EARTH’S MANAGER
[cat potluck]
Mittens: so everyone brought a bird again but no plates, that’s just great
Just watched The Hobbit: The Battle to Stay Awake for What Felt Like Five Hours.
Instead of onlyfans I spend all my money on onlyfood
Me: sometimes I worry that people think I’m texting during a meeting when I take notes on my phone
My dad: I think people know I’m taking notes because I have a notepad and a pen
My childhood music teacher posted on FB that she’d become a grandmother. I excitedly wrote “You were pregnant with your daughter when I was in Kindergarten now she’s a mom & I even remember you named her Beth Ann I loved Washington School!” & now I know why people avoid FB.
When you find the right person, hang on to them with all your might, cuz getting any help at Home Depot can take forever.
Ugh my boyfriend’s all “Stop asking my Dad if he likes your underoos” and “Stop snap-chatting my Mom” and “Stop calling me your boyfriend”
Who called it “Monkey Business” instead of In-Ape-propriate behavior?
I never understood why parents teach their kids to wave at passing trains: they could do that to pedestrians or cars just as easily
But if you give the finger to the people on the trains, there’s nothing they can do about it — they can’t stop. It’s that that makes trains special
whenever a study shows excessive screen time causes brain damage i’m like yeah. me know
Me: (after eating 12 fudgesicles)
Ok. Time to get to work.You: You can actually buy popsicle sticks at any craft store.
Me: Don’t question my art.
*man on tv sweeps items off desk and passionately embraces woman*
Me: How romantic.
*husband passionately throws folded laundry off bed*
Me: WTF
Going to church you guys need anything