[a rat runs into my kitchen]
Me: thank god you’re here, I have no idea how to make this bouillabaisse
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Diamonds aren’t a girl’s best friend.
Perfectly regulated office temperatures are a girl’s best friend.
“seasonal depression” makes it sound like i brought it home from the farmers’ market
Cardio Made Easy
I’m wearing my brand new all white Nikes today, so please respect my personal space by extending it an additional 2 feet.
I never made it as a firefighter. I thought arsonists were people who hated arson, so every time we met one I thanked him for his support
Me: Can I please be 7? It’s my lucky number.
Policeman: Get in the damn line up.
Always be kind to people, you never know who may own a boat.
i love corporate logic because a company will fire an entire newsroom full of award-winning journalists to spare the $500k salary of a guy in a corner office whose title is like Senior Vice President of Bad Decision-Making
Really? Still no Kate? Has anyone even tried yelling Marco?
Me: They are tiny mints that live in a little plastic coffin
Boss: I said let’s talk tactics
I prayed and accidentally mixed up God and Lord and said Gord. So embarrassing.
Whoever named frogs got it 100% right. Those things are frogs
My youngest has been banging on about “prank week” and has been royally pranking us all day.
Little does she know, her father is the prank master
Both of them panicking now, the bonus is that their sadness has brought a hush into the house.
When you’ve lost your own gloves & just grab the first pair that turn up.
[pulling the casket a few inches away from the wall during a funeral]
sorry just need to plug in my phone for a minute
ME *waits for phone to stop ringing and then checks number to see who it was*
Guy training me to be an emergency responder: yeah that was wrong
I call my nephews “Dude” and “Homie” because I’m the cool Aunt! (I don’t know their names.)
Why do we call it tunafish? Is there any other tuna out there that’s not a fish?!!?
Well, well, well, if it isn’t the consequences of my own food choices.
I’m a regular guy just like you. I put my pants on one leg at a time while thinking about how far I could throw each kind of bird while it sleeps.
Friend: You should keep some club soda handy for your wine stains.
Me: Did you just passive aggressively call me a sloppy drunk?
Look, ice cream has eggs in it, therefore it is a breakfast food.
Last week a friend told me she’s looking forward to her toddler turning 3 because she’s tired of the defiant stage. I’m still laughing.
me: babe watch me flip this omelette!
her: cool
me: now watch me kick flip this omelette!!
her: sick!!!
Yeah, I don’t think this is how it works
An older woman in front of me demanded her drink get remade because her barista was Asian.
When I tried to inform her how irrational that request was, she turned and sneered, “are YOU Chinese?”
I replied, “no, but your ugly-ass knockoff purse is.”
Shut your racist asses up.
When you put it that way… 😂
I once banged the Michelin Man…it was tiresome
Girlfriend – “ARE YOU SERIOUSLY DOING THE MONSTER MASH WHILE WE’RE HAVING SEX???”
Me [doing what is clearly a graveyard smash] “…no”
Interviewer: have you ever made, eaten or even seen a sandwich?
Dude: no
Interviewer: you’re hired welcome to Subway