[a rat runs into my kitchen]
Me: thank god you’re here, I have no idea how to make this bouillabaisse
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I hate to be a stickler, but why is Jesus wearing a cross?
Me: hear me out— a food truck that sells crab related products called “Crab and Go”
Gordon Ramsey: why are you in my bathtub
Welcome to your 50s. You used to be a lot taller.
Aquafina is Spanish for “tap water in a plastic bottle”
I’m just playing devils avocado here
I wrote to the Bank: “My Cheque was returned with remark ‘Insufficient funds’. I want to know whether it refers to mine or the Bank?”
In Hell, you’re surrounded by people saying ‘suposably’ and ‘irregardless.’
Police:Is there anything you can tell us about your attacker.
Me:He was much better at fighting than me.
Police:Ok is there anything else?
What I thought I’d want my kids to learn: kindness, compassion, empathy
What I actually want them to learn: to flush the toilet and turn off a goddamn light
Caught a belt loop on a door handle and got yanked back with such force that my audio is no longer in sync with my actions.
My 4yo asked for a skeleton to sleep in her room with her, in case you’re wondering the level of freak show I can inspire
We’re all born naked and the rest is crab. #DragRace
BOWIE: We can be heroes.
ME: omg, yay.
BOWIE: Just for one day.
ME: I actua—I think it’s gonna take longer than that.
BOWIE: We can be heroes.
ME: No, I get that. It’s jus—it’s a length issue.
BOWIE: Forever and ever.
ME: I don’t…*rubbing temples* something between those, maybe?
Met a hot girl in the bar.
She said if I give her 500 bucks she’ll show me a real good time. So I gave her 500 bucks and she ran 100 meters in 12 seconds.
me: i’m not afraid of death
[2 mins later : stubs toe]
also me: OMG I’M DYING
This makes total sense…
I’m not straight up gangster but I’m working on improving my posture.
Online dating is like having your option to date anyone inside of a Walmart
“Thanks for the homemade wine. If going blind had a flavour, this would be it.”
* why I’m not allowed to write thank you cards anymore.
Me: We should set up a play date
Hot dad at park: You have a kid?
Me: No, I said WE should
My favorite thing right now is calling air pods ‘air buds’ in front of my daughter and her friends.
I’m not getting in a self-driving car until we can figure out how to prevent automatic toilets from flushing while you’re still using ’em
[hears one Christmas song] My heart is overflowing with glad tidings
[hears another one] I’ve never been angrier
what’s the medical term for a female-to-male gender reassignment surgery? an addadictomy
I’m so sorry my pet rock attacked you. Its just he really hates arrogant douche bags. Thank god he only hit your face.
You’d be surprised how much of parenting is reminding your children not to eat soup with their hands.
doctor: open up
me: it all started when my dad left
doctor: and say ahh
me: oh
doctor: no, “ahh”
You know dystopia has arrived when Victoria’s Secret starts selling brass braziers.
Twitter went from everyone pushing each other on mood swings to pushing each other off cliffs really fast.
I went to Costco and now I have massive quantities of all the stuff, except money