Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Every time I go to Baskin-Robbins their hamburger machine is broken.

If the Twitter algorithm actually understood me, my targeted ads would all be wine and sandwiches.

Just remember, you’re my “plus one,” and not my “hostage.”

My OnlyFans would be me editing your papers before you submit them.

OnlyFANS = Only Flawless Apostrophes ‘N Spelling

[There could only be a finite number of possible outcomes to a situation that you are likely to face tommorrow]
Your Anxiety: ummm lets see!

‘….annnnnnd now you have TWO hours before you have to get up.’

~The monster under my bed

“Hello, my name’s Drew and I’m an addict”

“Sir, this is a cheese counter”

Me (seductively looking at a potato): would mash.

You mean the stick figures on the back of your vehicle is not your kill count?

*slowly scrapes mine off*

Kale is made of old hotel shower curtains.

Change my mind.

Cashier: do you want cash back?
Me: I mean who wouldn’t. There’s ring of fire, I walk the line. Let’s not forget his christmas album

Very proud of how these turned out. I bought them from a store like a normal person.

“What seems to be the problem, officer?”

Seven wives and no alcohol?

No thanks Mormons.

“dress for the job you want”

There’s a job you want???

My body is a temple

for potatoes.

“Dad this is better than Applebee’s”

Well if you need me I will be over here filling out my MasterChef application.

Donald Trump said he thinks we made the right decision to leave the EU. This confirms that we absolutely did not make the right decision.

Wore a push up bra to work today and now I can’t see my keyboard.

Me: Got my finger stuck in this beer bottle.
Wife: How?!
M: Just help me.
W: Have you tried butter?
M: It’s delicious. Now will you help me?

Her name is Virginia and she wants to write a massive check for your organization, but only if you add a ballet studio because she was a ballerina. Which is sweet, but you’re a food bank.

[highschool reunion]
CLASSMATE: I’m a top chef. You?
ME: I’m an avoca
C: a what
M: an avoca
C: what’s an avoca do
M: a top chef would know

I’m at an age where I don’t spring into action.
I dead of winter into action.

Cricket Audience: *goes wild*

Cricket Comedian: Wow tough crowd

i hear the new batman movie is so long because there’s a scene where bruce wayne withdraws the entirety of his bank account but he asks for it all in ones and then counts it all while facing the camera

40ish year old me thinks 18ish year old me should’ve planned something better with her life.

[giving commencement address at graduation]

“My fellow graduates, the best life advice I have is: if you don’t already know how many calories are in a tortilla, never look it up”

I go to the bank wearing a Ski mask because I want everyone to know how athletic I am.

Cauliflower crust is the answer to the question pizza never asked.