A REAL CONVERSATION I HEARD BETWEEN TWO GROWN MEN AT TIRES PLUS:
Man #1: *getting ready to pay* Is it a swipey swipe
Man #2: No it’s a chippy chip
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I hope the bomber suspect is made of green screen so we can all project our most feared skin color onto him.
I get pissed if Alexa doesn’t understand my commands with a mouthful of mashed potatoes.
Settle down, school picture day packages. I don’t need a body pillow with my son’s face embroidered on it for $400.
My neighbor killed the grass in my yard so now I have to go and be all Lawn Wick on his garden gnomes
Au: gold
Fe: iron
Si: silicon
Ur: my fire
My: one desire
Blv: when i say
I: want it that way
2023 was just a warmup
The glockness monster
A guest dropped by my dirty house on short notice today, so I put cleaning supplies out all over the place. They were just for show.
Why are you charging me $3.99 to watch a movie from 2006? I feel like I’m doing you the favor.
He asked me how I got this scar on my leg and I didn’t want to tell him I stabbed myself so I told him a shark bit me
Housing rates are so insane that it’s even hard to find an affordable place on Elm Street these days
Thanks for using our drive through. Please park over there and wait 20 minutes and someone will bring out 85% of the stuff you ordered.
2010 Drive-by: Someone wants you dead.
2020 Drive-by: It’s probably your birthday.
“They say time is linear but it repeats itself. For example, I just got dumped again. Same girl. Were stuck on a loop, and when-”
*the man grating parmesan stops*
“No, that wasn’t a ‘when’ for you, keep going.”
10: Ugh! I have a math quiz tomorrow
Me: I’ll help you. I’ll be your teacher today!
10: Omg! Why are you making this worse?!
FRIEND: What’s the movie, where they bring that monster to life and then have to destroy it?
[at the same time]
HER: Frankenstein.
ME: Frosty the Snowman.
I think it’s safe to say that I’ve earned my gray thumb. My rock garden is blooming like crazy.
ME [8:49PM]: on my way, taking a crab
GF [8:50PM]: u mean a cab
ME [8:52PM]: not exactly. be there in several days
Just found out my birthday is the same day I was born…
Life is crazy…
Coworker: how was your thanksgiving?
Me: ……….. I assume you want me to hear about yours?
Man there’s a lot of flies in here
( checks pulse )
[first guy to discover magic mushrooms]
those…those were not portobellos
Yes, Barbie gave us unrealistic body standards. But she also gave us unrealistic expectations about boyfriends being willing to wear matching neon outfits and rollerblade with you.
Alcohol is a misunderstood vitamin.
Them: Do your best you can’t hurt me anymore.
Social media apps: Hold my beer🍺.
I was about to confront my husband about the strange blonde hairs I found in our house until I realised my kid’s werewolf Halloween mask was moulting.
Sure. Why not?
God: You’re beautiful. Aren’t you?
Peacock: Yes. Thanks for creating me.
God: *Starts giggling*
Peacock: What’s so funny, god? Why are you laughing?
God: you’re called peacock. *Bursts into laugh*
Peacock: WHAT THE FFUU..
God: And you cant speak.
[Incoherent bird noise]
Turn on noise canceling on your AirPods if you want to experience what it’s like to think a killer has broken into your home anytime anyone in your family approaches you from behind.
stop calling sandwiches sammies you weirdos