A real ice cream truck would have melted by now.
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4: Mommy I’m sorry but you’re going to need to shower alone.
Me: Oh darn.
*30 seconds later*
4: I felt bad for you so I’ll sit right here while you shower
I’m likely to die of a household accident. I’m certain a spider will be involved.
I hate when I’m in a room with 3 other people, & I have to shove the entire kit kat in my mouth.
What I said: Please bring your laundry downstairs.
What my son heard: Please drop your laundry from the second floor down into the foyer as I stand at the front door talking to our neighbor so a dirty balled up sock can bounce off my head and into her face.
Deodorant? I’ve never needed to buy any. People just give it me. Complete strangers sometimes
“Are you ever going to boil?”, I scream at the pot of water that is sitting on a burner which I didn’t turn on.
Come and get your love.
I don’t deliver. Take out only.
First date: *puts entire onion ring in mouth* If yo’lik et ven yo’shoulla puh a wring owh it.
serial killer: [gently knocking on my bathroom door] you…you ok in there?
me: *click*
ceiling fan: still on
me: *click*
ceiling fan: still on
me: *click*
ceiling fan: one more
me: *click*
ceiling fan: jk. was off. now back on and faster than ever!
Saw a tweet about foods to help your sex life.
I need sex to help my sex life, not food.
Got my first date of the year. i mean it’s a court date but I’m dressing up.
Hear me out: WrestleVania
I’ve been barred from the local Mexican restaurant for repeatedly bringing and summoning my waiter with my personal maracas
I was arrested on suspicion of accessory to peeing in a pigpen but my lawyer says they’ll drop the charges if I squeal
if you eat your burrito over a tortilla, anything that falls out will simply start building your next burrito
“I would’ve gotten away with it, too, if it wasn’t for you meddling bondage enthusiasts!”
Sometimes it’s just nice to sit back, relax, and watch shit happen to someone else for a change.
Seasons are confusing in Los Angeles. Time to pull out my winter sundress.
Cop: You been drinking?
Me: No.
Cop: Say the alphabet backwards.
Me: Alphabet the.
Cop: Hilarious. Say each letter.
Me: Each letter.
No Brett, I didn’t even read that email. I’m not speaking to you because I overheard your Starbucks order this morning.
My 7 year old: *staring at my face*
Me: What is it, sweetie?
My 7 year old: Is my nose weird, too?
Kids are delightful.
[trying to avoid awkward silence on first date]
you ever see a horse throw up?
“no”
*smiles and turns phone sideways so video gets bigger*
Twin: ya know how we always-
Me: -finish each other’s sentences!
Prison Warden: VISITING TIME IS OVER
Twin: so I had an idea…
The First 48 is on from now until 4am. If anyone needs me I’ll be on my couch solving homicides and eating schnacks.
(Don’t need me)
Weekends in your 20’s: Making rash decisions
Weekends in your 40’s: Googling rashes
All 3 kids need braces so I explained to them that they will have beautiful teeth but no further education.
[using my one prison phone call in 2007] yes, one vote for Sanjaya please