Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Talk to the patient about controlling their anger? There’s a bite taken out of my steering wheel I am the wrongest of candidates for this task

I’m like a fine wine…leave me out too long and I get rancid and you have to throw me out

If uneven eyeliner ever becomes a trend, I am golden.

Him: This fish is too fishy.

Me: How’s your water? Too wet?

Not willing to admit he made a wrong turn, Dad threw Tic Tacs out the car window to little kids watching the parade from the curb.

The average person swallows 30-50 feral hogs in their sleep every year.

I hate when people use words without knowing the meaning…gives me a huge hysterectomy on the side of my head.

Worst Friday the 13th ever. Someone stole the baby Jason from our nativity set.

Wearing my lesbian boots today. Well, they’re faux lesbian. I don’t believe in using lesbians for leather, even if they’re farm-raised.

If someone specifies that you’re book-smart and not street-smart or street-smart but not book-smart, they’re calling you stupid.

used to be as a frog you could say “ribbit.” but you can’t do that anymore. because of croak

I left a small container filled with cheerios outside in my garden for the squirrel begging for food and he stole the container, spilling cheerios all over and I don’t know, was I just robbed?

Baby I’m gonna rock your world but first give me an hour and a half to get these skinny jeans off

Record breaking, visionary director Steven Spielberg: ‘Wanna play a dull, killed off screen character?’

Samuel L Jackson: ‘Sure’

Have kids so you can hear them say “why do I have to do everything around here?” when you ask them to feed the dog.

My kids can’t play at your house because they might begin to think laundry doesn’t live on the couch.

he asked “what are we?” and I said toniggggght we are young

[Grim Reaper arrives at my door]

ME: oh no, is it my time?!

GR: Oh no, I’m just coming for that last tweet you posted. That thing’s been dying for hours…

Pigeon open mic night.

Just watched a guy smell his debit card….I have some questions.

I’m drawn toward women who are beautiful when they are angry because once we start dating that’s how they’ll look 90% of the time

I’ve met all my fitness goals by integrating a balanced diet of lower standards.

*marshmallows
*chocolate
*graham crackers
*lighter fluid
*matches

Cashier: “Going camping?”
Me: “Nope”

*wine
*tampons

Back in my day, ketchup only came in glass bottles. I’m grateful for the life lessons it taught me; most problems can easily be solved with patience or a knife.

I’m like a candle: I’m cute, I smell nice, and there’s a pretty good chance I’ll set your curtains on fire if left unattended.

fred flinstone (my landlord): the rent is due
me: say it
fred: pls no
me: i’m not paying
fred: *sighs* the rent is yabba dabba due
me: haha

My husband excused himself from the table to take a work call. What’s the official waiting period on stealing his fries?

Sexy lingerie is for single folks… cause when you married, and you gotta fold that shit, it loses all of its appeal… I’m over here struggling, makin a buncha thong balls… these joints is harder to fold than a fitted sheet… #SaturdayMorning

Maybe if wommen’s uteroids weren’t such powerful mystery-swamps, the GOP wouldn’t have to police them with #light & #K9 units.

Welcome to earth! You have a choice of private parts. Would you like the one that creates life & bleeds or the constant bad decision maker?