A REAL smart phone would know when to shut up.
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*seduces you by wearing a sundress
*ruins it by running in flip flops
GENIE: u can’t wish for more wishes
ME: i wish u had permanent irritable bowel syndrome
GENIE: *sweating* ha ha then again rules are meant to be broken
A guy offered to take me anywhere I wanted to go on a first date and had the audacity to ghost me after I replied, “An axe throwing range?”
People terrible at the sex should take notes from dentists & give out goody bags. It’s like yeah that was all uncomfortable but here’s some goodies so you’ll hit me up again.
“That’s how kids get money. Loose teeth and chores.” -6yo niece schooling 4 on the way the world works
shakira sharkira
My parents, 2017:
“Put down your phone and hang out with your kids.”My parents, 1989:
“Shhh, not now, we’re watching TV.”
That awkward moment when someone says “stop”, and you don’t know whether to respond with “collaborate and listen” or “hammer time.”
It finally happened: someone asked me where the library was in Spanish. I’ve been training for this since high school.
How is a guy supposed to take a nap in his car during lunch hour if people keep knocking on the window saying things like “are you ok?” and “you’re rolling down a hill.”
10 y/o daughter and friend had a sleep over and after I told them a story and turned off the lights, I heard her friend say, “your Dad is pretty cool and funny.”
10: OMG, do NOT let him hear you say that, it will get to his head.
How do you even keep up with current trends if you don’t have a teenager in your life to ridicule your choices?
*patting my infant son on the back*
you can fit a whole airplane in this baby
*Hamburglar returns home with bag of hamburgers*
*his wife, holding a crying baby, slaps the bag out of his hands*
“WE NEED MONEY, DAMMIT!”
Ok so why don’t we just invent a word that DOES rhyme with orange?? Orange has had too much power for too long
I just got an email about a ‘remarkable women contest’ and my head got a little big before the next line hit me with, “Do you know any”
I HAD
THE TIME OF MY LIFE
AND I NEVER FELT THIS WAY BEFORE
I’m old enough to remember the days of rolling blackouts. Admittedly, they were mostly caused by single malt, but still.
[5 hours into assembling a new bed for my kid] you’ll get used to sleeping on the floor in no time at all
Had a breakthrough with my therapist yesterday.
Never seen a man cry like that before.
Friend: your kid is bouncing off the walls and running everywhere!
Me: yeah… she’s super tired
Friend: tired?
Me: it’s complicated
Girls are like strawberries. Sometimes they’re at the grocery store
[8 eating some chips]
8: Can I eat the whole bag?
Me: No, just the chips that are inside
Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car…..
I’m fearfully awaiting the day my alarm clock becomes self-aware and the snooze button hits me back.
[before electricity was invented]
ME: [presses hand dryer]
GUY IN THE WALL: [deep inhale]
Tinder, but for nearby people that have a printer you can use.
The journey of 1000 miles begins with a single step. They never tell you it’s downhill and you’ll be wearing slippers when it happens.
If it was really a smart phone it would have recognize that it was an ignored call, not missed.