A real smart TV would increase the volume when you start eating chips.
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Just once I’d like to open a can of biscuits without having to beat it like it stole my last cookie
Apparently Bird Box is not a KFC $5 fill up. I know this now…
My cat and I are both on diets, it’s hilarious. Just sitting across from each other, angrily eating our horrible breakfasts.
A man threatened to sue a magazine for using his photo in a story about all hipsters looking the same — only to learn it’s not him in the picture
[the beeping to remind me to put on my seatbelt finally gives up]
*looks at driving test instructor*
“finally”
Post more gym selfies so I know who to call when I need to move
No baby, I’m not dumping you. I’m just rebranding myself as your ex.
[bedroom]
Me: I’ve been bad, I need to be punished
Her: *turns tv volume to an odd number*
Me: no please I forgot the safe word
IM ALMOST POSITIVE THATS JUST A COOKIE
Doesn’t it alarm some of you that when ya leave the house a flock of crows follows everywhere you go.
The moral of Pinocchio is that lying is only bad if it’s really obvious.
MY 6YO SON: We’re on Earth, where outer space can’t find us. It wants to kill us, so we hide out here.
ME: [terrified] Eat your cereal, kiddo
When people are making out in public make things even more awkward by applying chapstick and announcing you’re next
One time in chemistry I hid my lab partner’s beaker and he turned into a mad scientist.
Boss I didn’t win Powerball please ignore previous text. I WILL be in today & everybody should NOT get fucked
My Grandfathers dying words to me were, “Are you still holding the ladder?”.
When I meet someone new I always determine if they’d be an ally or food, in the event of a zombie apocalypse.
Walking into an eye doctors office 5 minutes after the eclipse and going “I know. I know”
Thanked a rival dad at the neighborhood chili cook off for making his mild so my kids could have some.
me: I’m gonna work from home today
co-pilot: wait
My sister’s fiance is visiting from England on Friday, i thought I’d surprise him so I’ve been driving on the wrong side of the road
(husband picking me up at the airport): what’s for dinner?
I don’t hate children, just yours.
“Worm Regards”
If you occasionally blow on your bourbon during a Zoom meeting, the other folks will think you’re enjoying a hot cup of tea.
My kid, 6: What’s the biggest structure a civil engineer has made?
Also my kid: Which way does the L go?
me: what’s a 3-letter word for compete
dracula: vie
me: for a crossword puzzle
If I say, “Don’t worry, I’m on it,” there’s a 98% chance I’m referring to my couch.
Why’s it called aioli and not gourmayonnaise?