A real smart TV would increase the volume when you start eating chips.
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For parents of small children, weekends are about as relaxing as showering with cats.
*working in pediatric ER*
kid: *pointing* what are those wipes
me: these are special wipes we use in the hospital to kill bacteria and viruses and keep surfaces clean 😊
kid: viruses aren’t technically alive so you can’t kill them
kids mom: honey don’t embarrass the doctor
Them: What’d you scrape your chin on?
Me: A chiseled jawline with a 5-o’clock shadow.
My 5/o just said “That’s Classic!!” WTF is classic to a 5 y/o? Blues Clues??
PROSECUTOR: the defendant robbed 3 stores naked wearing only a teletubby mask
ME: *slams gavel* guilty as charged
Defendant: aren’t you my lawyer?
JUDGE: *missing his gavel* give that back
The first stage of a realistic baking show would be each contestant trying to open a jammed utensil drawer.
Fired from my job as an autopsy technician for repeatedly asking “are you gonna eat that?” during the procedures.
Sometimes as a woman all i want is for a man to grab me, throw me into bed and then clean my house while i sleep
By the third month of my sentence, I’d whittled a lifelike gun from a bar of soap and covered it in shoe polish. That’s how bored I was.
“Change is good,” I explain to my daughter as I carefully apply the same color lipstick I’ve been wearing since I was 15 years old.
My neighbours are loud and obnoxious. Now I know how Canada feels.
The spider I just killed with a napkin isn’t in the napkin, and now I’m in a circle of salt reciting incantations.
I have a stomach ache and my husband is mad at me for eating the peanut butter out of the mouse traps.
You’d think after 12 years of filming Boyhood someone would be like hey maybe we should make this good.
[First date]
So what do you do for a living?
“I’m a florist”
WHY DON’T YOU LIKE THE FLOOR? WHAT HAS IT DONE TO YOU, IS IT BECAUSE IT’S LAVA?
A guy with a sense of humor that matches mine will always get my attention.
My wife rearranged the kitchen cabinets and now I’ll never eat again
Word of the day:
Auspicious – Adjective – Favorable or suggestive of future success.
Not to be confused with awwspicious, an adjective meaning “suspiciously adorable.”
As in, “That corgi with the rusty knife in his mouth is so awwspicious!”
A man threatened to sue a magazine for using his photo in a story about all hipsters looking the same — only to learn it’s not him in the picture
Mugger: Hand over your wallet or else!
Me: *wearing a deodorant that promises 48 hour protection* Or else what?
A drinking game where you do a shot every time you are prompted to update Adobe
if you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all: I watched Rebel Moon 2 and the Netflix app worked well. showed me the entire movie. in color
Went jogging and on the way back had to call an Uber. Faked an ankle injury and prayed it wasn’t the same driver as the last time.
Things a raccoon and I have in common:
1) Dark circles around the eyes.
2) Likes eating junk.
3) We’re both cute but will kill you.
I bet M. Day Shyamalan movies would be a lot less scary, am I right?
once i got commissioned to review a film, and when i went to file my story I said “Here’s my review! Not a great movie tbh” and then forgot to paste in the Google Doc link, so the editor replied being like “oh… we’d still like an article?”
WIFE: It’s your turn to change the baby.
ME: Ugh fine.
[later]
WIFE: Why does our baby have a septum piercing?
ME: His name is torch now.
Took my 8 year old to the Grand Canyon and people asked why I didn’t bring my toddler.
If you know my toddler, and you’ve been to the Grand Canyon you will have your answer.
This year, teach your kids the true meaning of Easter by trapping them in a stone tomb for three days.