A real smart TV would increase the volume when you start eating chips.
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Those A24 movies with narrow aspect ratios should make use out of the extra space on the sides of the screen. Put up some NFL scores or something
I give such good nudes that nobody ever needs to ask me for a second one.
I wonder if Jeremy Irons ever quietly laughs to himself while he’s ironing.
[MURDER SCENE]
ME: It’s a pretty open and shut case, Chief
CHIEF: For the last time, stop admiring the luggage the victim was found in and take a DNA sample
The Olympics were so inspiring I’m now commuting to work via pole vault
“Captain, I do believe a larger vessel might be in order.”
–Jaws, dubbed for England
ME What’s a penguins favourite relative? Aunt Arctica!
PENGUIN . .
ME [makes flies over head motion]
PENGUIN I don’t know what that means
Just learned an important lesson: When texting “wish you were here,” that last e kind of makes it or breaks it.
[math class]
ME: {whispering} Were we supposed to draw a giraffe or a graph?
FRIEND: Graph. Wait did you draw a giraffe?
ME: Uhh-
FRIEND: {looks at my paper} But this is a graph.
ME: Yeah I’m not very good at drawing giraffes.
*stands next to ATM and cheers every time someone wins money*
Answering this for men everywhere & this patient. Yes, it is unusual & incredibly icky to flirt with me while I’m checking your prostate.
I’m so angry right now that I could strategically throw my phone at a safe spot on the couch.
Always trust your dog’s first impression of someone.
In tense moments i like to think “what would Jesus do” and then violently flip over a bunch of tables.
I’m just a girl
standing in front of a pizza
asking it to not have carbs.
Raccoons are riding wild hogs into battle against the possums. I guarantee you the media will be completely silent about it.
Nobody:
My husband: That’s it. I’m going to bring back jean shorts.
[police interrogation]
“What do you do for a living?”
“Drug dealer.”
“Louder, for the tape.”
[leans in]
“Bug healer. I heal bugs.”
911: what is your emergency
ME: there’s a fly in my house
911: hang tight sir we’re sending a swat team now
WIFE: It’s your turn to change the baby.
ME: Ugh fine.
[later]
WIFE: Why does our baby have a septum piercing?
ME: His name is torch now.
I hate when people say “ the bug is more scare of you than you are of it”. DID THE BUG TELL YOU THAT ?!
On Fridays, I always dress for what the weather is going to be at 3am when I drunkenly lock myself out of my apartment.
The Mayor in Jaws was right.
Imagine you traveled to the beach on the 4th of July and they’re like “Sorry ocean’s closed – there was a SHARK out there a few days ago!”
“Who made that decision?”
“Our SHERIFF who is SCARED of WATER!”
Photographer: Ok. You two hold hands, & u, in the back, hold a gun to that guy’s head. Nice. I’ll add blush in post.
Grandma confused about Tide Pods “kids these days eating those podcasts”….
(Family Reunion)
Me: …and the real loud guy who keeps talking with his mouth full?
Wife: That’s Murray…He’s my cousin once removed.
Me: Any chance we can remove him again?
Americans pay for gym memberships and for people to mow their lawns.