A realistic Godzilla movie would be 2 cats defeating him by tripping him and purring on his legs while he’s trying to walk down a mountain.
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I’m afraid my neighbors are starting to notice that I can’t tell them apart but greet each of their dogs by name.
I get so annoyed when horror movies begin with the family moving to a new house, and the parents say “This place will be good for us. We will finally be happy here.”
But you already know they’re not going to be happy, because the movie is called “The Ghost That Ate Grandma”.
If I get murdered please arrest the person who goes on tv and says I had “a zest for life.” I don’t care if they’re the killer but I don’t want my memory disrespected like that.
Select the reason for canceling your order:
◽️Item(s) would not arrive on time
◽️Need to change shipping address
☑️ I was drunk
[1st date]
Me: “So, what do you do?”
Her: “I’m a Herpetologist.”
Me: “Great! [pulls pants down] How bad is this?”
Make fun of my long hair and I’ll ride past your girlfriend’s bedroom window on a stallion.
cop: do you have a license to fish?
me: yes.
cop: ok you may go.
me: *drives away on my fish*
Therapist: I think you both suffer from Münchausen syndrome
Hansel and Gretel: [mouths full of gingerbread and gumdrops] why?
Just put on my brand new shirt.
Now to take a big sip of coffee and check to see why Dave Grohl is trending on Twitter…
*filling plastic bags with electricity for my Tesla*
H: I’m so tired of people making lame jokes about going into labor on Labor Day.
M: *slowly pulling pillow out of shirt* same
My appearance can best be described as “hopefully he has a good personality.”
Parents, stop giving your kids these crazy names. I just found a love letter my son wrote to a girl named “Steven!”
This should not be this funny I am sorry😭😭😭
Just getting romantic with the wife when our slow cooker set off our smoke alarm so yes, I was crock blocked.
me *sad*
toddler: You know what will make you happy?
me: What?
toddler: Taking me to McDonalds
So creative 😂
Teens be like, “You know that crumbled up piece of paper that’s been on the table all week? I need it for school.”
If I were a weatherman, I’d hate it when newsreaders did a story about a flood or a heatwave. I’d come on and do a forecast about crime or the economy just to give them a taste of their own medicine.
Mum: get me a plate
Me: which plate?
Mum: any plate, doesn’t matter
*brings plate*
Mum: no not that one
No better way for a child to learn how to spell than by having to save a man from hanging to death.
the greatest twitter interaction
[showing a picture of a very healthy person to my doctor] I was thinking something a bit like this
I got kicked off Wikipedia for adding “obviously” to the end of every article.
my wife can find a stain on my shirt from across the room but can’t see the mailbox when she’s backing up?
Only during a hurricane can you purchase a tarp, rope, duct tape and a shovel and no one questioned your motives.
this is how it feels as a teacher when a student complains about school
[a guy walking his dog grabs my purse and they run off]
Me: Hey, that’s not nice! You get back here this instant and let me pet that dog!
Elliott didn’t care about E.T. He just wanted a flying bike.