Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A bug is just a bug until you put one on someone’s face.

The local kid haircut place (the kind where you sit in cars and planes) closed unexpectedly for a month and all the little kids are wandering around town looking like Tom Hanks in Castaway right before he built that raft

you would think “cyber-art heist” would be something awesome. it never is. imagine having a fortune in art stolen and when people ask what happened you have to be like “i updated my printer and within seconds a million in monkey jpegs was gone”

I think all public hand dryers should be activated by a sinister laugh.

#JustToMakeYouLaughToday
Is my carry on stretching the limits?

Roses are red
Violets are blue
Bad boys bad boys
Whatchagonnadoo

C. S. Lewis: *writes a Narnia book in a week with no outline*

me: *writing multiple drafts of a three-sentence DM to a crush*

young sherlock holmes: that large clocktower is named big ben. therefore, when you ask “where is little ben,” you are referring to your watch — a miniature clock. a trick question, but one i will indulge. your wrist, madam

distraught mother: you were supposed to be watching him

“Give me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses yearning to breathe free. Unless they’re darker than, say, beige.”- Statue of Liberty.

*holding banana up to my ear as if it’s a phone*
haha, get it?? it looks like i am making a phonecall. but i’m n-*banana rings* oh crap

By the time my father was my age he had amassed, like, 30 coffee cans full of screws. I have none. What have I done with my life?

The amount of time my phone spends plugged in you may as well call it a landline

“How did your grammar competition go?”
I losed

Me: how about we role-play?

Her: ooh you’ve been a bad boy, go sit on the naughty step for *checks time left on the show she’s watching* 23 minutes.

IF A CAN OPENER DOESN’T WORK IS IT CALLED A CAN’T OPENER

I have an admission that will shock some people. It’s not something I’m proud of and I hope I’ll be given a little grace, but I’ll understand if not.

Here goes….

My hips have lied. Like…a lot.

If you’re starved for time, eat a watch.

Times when calories don’t count:

1. Finishing the rest of your kid’s dinner

2. Taking Mom/Dad tax when you give your kid a snack

3. Spoons of Mac N Cheese straight from the pot

4. Any stress eating related to something your kid did

One hamburger please

CHICK-FIL-A: Sorry we only serve chicken here

Oh
*leaves*
*comes back wearing a chicken costume*
One hamburger please

If this doughnut and chocolate milk are going to take years off my life, could I have them remove 1978-1982?

*tries to impress date by eating spaghetti with a straw*

I could open a chip bag on the back 40 and my 6yo gonna show up outta no where wanting some like how tf does he do that!?

You shouldn’t judge people. What if that bloke outside your window with a clown mask and knife is just a chef that lost his way.

Told my dog it’s too cold to go for a walk and he just saw one from the window and now I’m a liar.

i bet the first guy to say “smooth as a babies bottom” wasnt the most respected man in the community

Whenever someone mentions rat poison part of me imagines a tiny rodent cover band playing 80s power ballads.

The monocle was popular in the 1800’s because ears hadn’t been invented yet.

My mother-in-law asks my wife to help colour her hair. I make a joke about assisted dyeing and they both stare at me. Tough crowd.

Maybe vet’s office should come with a doggy park just like any DMV should come with a bar

Me to wife: “I don’t need a grocery list, it’s only three things.”

Also me: *Forgets two of the three things and comes home with a llama*