A reality show where chefs deconstruct recipes and IKEA customers put them back together
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Her: Who ate all the ice cream?
Me: *blaming the dog* Reese
Her: What? How?
Me: Witherspoon
Scientists are attempting to clone Ice Age Cave Lions because running into a raccoon when I take out the trash isn’t scary enough.
Most divorces could be avoided by buying 2 duvets.
I just saved a mom $26 by trying on the same hat her teen daughter wanted.
I don’t have a reason to post this I just love it
I feel a little cheated when someone’s bio is in English but all their tweets are written in gobblety gobblety.
I went to a fortune teller and he told me a lot of money was coming my way.
I walked out really excited, then I got hit by a Securicor van.
Me: Table for one, please.
Waiter: Would you like to see the men–
Me: YES.
Friend: “Hey, want me to get out my didgeridoo so I can play for you?”
I’d rather you didgerididn’t.
Child Me: Dad, can I (do a truly stupid thing)
My Dad: No!
Child Me: Whatever, Dad! I hope I’m not that lame when I grow up
Years Later
My Kid: Dad, can I (do the exact same stupid thing)
My Brain: prepare to become “that lame”
Son: I’m addicted to morphing
Dad: Oh God no, are you smoking it, injecting it?
Son: No Dad,not Morphine
Dad: what?
Son: *turns into bat
JOHN LENNON: He wear no shoeshine, he got…toe-jam football, he got…monkey finger, he shoot…Coca-Cola
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: what
Kudos to NPH for keeping it brief. #Oscars
In The Little Mermaid, the real reason Ariel wanted human legs was because Eric told her he doesn’t eat sushi.
As a dad, you’re required to ask your neighbor “You gonna do mine next?” when you see them raking leaves.
imagine getting destroyed like this
my dog: chomp, chomp
me: hey what’s in your mouth
my dog: CHOMPCHOMPCHOMPCHOM
*painting your nails* one hand : perfect. other hand : looks like a blind cat did it.
I refuse to watch shows like “Are You Smarter than a 5th Grader?” because I already know I’m not.
The robotic urge to ask humans to prove they’re not robots.
Yes, Kiddo drank her carrot juice, if by “drank,” we mean surreptitiously pouring it into my Boston fern.
Be the horrifying backstory of your family’s lineage.
“My name is Robert and I support apples.”
— Bob for apples
Sees friend from highschool. Gives friend a big hug. Refuses to let go of friend. Becomes siamese friends.
i totally get why leonardo dicaprio is trying to save the environment for future generations (they could be his girlfriend)
I thought secret rooms would play a bigger role in my adult life. Like the kind of room you access by pulling a book on a shelf or pressing a certain stone on a wall or pulling on a sconce. Also where are all the trap doors?
Hostage negotiator: I don’t quite get your demands.
Ordered a new piece of furniture that said ‘some assembly required.’ They delivered a tree stump with a note that said good luck.
I prefer to date a man after I see how well he treats his wife.
The only occasions in which I will run:
– Zombie apocalypse
– Salma Hayek is handing out all-you-can-eat baby back ribs
What idiot called it a contraction and not a birthquake?