Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Kids today don’t even understand you could kill a person with a rotary phone.

* shows up with flowers

Wife: Are we going to the hospital?

I stole one of those Krispy Kreme “HOT NOW” signs and hung it over our bed because good communication is important in a marriage.

My report card always said I was not living up to my full potential. Well, the joke’s on them. That really was as good as I was going to get

My body is telling me to go to sleep but my brain knows that there are Oreos in the pantry.

Meet the ghost of a boy who drowned in a pond by his boarding school, and the Latin instructor who drowned him.

My girlfriend said Valentine’s Day is really important to her so I can’t wait to see what she has planned for us

In High School I was pretty popular with all the boys.
I was known as “Hey, will you ask your friend if she likes me?”

A dating app for people who self sabotage called Hinder.

There’s only one good girl here!

Awww. It looks like the neighbors are having the police dept over for brunch..

Saturday

The Dalai Lama prefers quiet restaurants in order to find dinner peace.

My husband said he wants a blowie for his birthday. I don’t know what he’ll do with this snow blower in summertime…luckily it was on sale.

If Jennifer Love Hewitt so much, maybe she should marry her!

When I withdrew cash from the ATM, it asked what denominations I wanted so I chose Baptist, Methodist and Presbyterian.

Sometimes I look at myself in the mirror and wonder, “Do my children just spit directly at their face when brushing their teeth?”

Overheard at the pool:

Grandma: what do you want the baby to be? a brother or sister?

*long pause*

3 year old: a cat

ㅤ

I never text and drive bc that would imply that I actually go places.

The reason Batman doesn’t cover his whole face is because he needs the police to know he’s white

[dinner date]

Him: I think a woman should eat like a bird.

Me: {devours a porterhouse like a pteradactyl}

Vulcans are space-elves.

Look at the ears.

Pro Tip: Before you ask your kid’s Principal if he’d like a kiss make sure he can see the chocolate you’re holding in your hand.

At my interview

Him – what do you make at your current job?

Mostly mistakes and few inappropriate comments

5: water poops dirt

me: only bodies poop

5: you said the lake is a body of water

me: well looks like you’re ready to move out & make it on your own

Upon graduation from the University of Phoenix, do they just send you a screencap of your degree?

My insomnia has it’s own toothbrush in my bathroom.

All of these jokes are gonna be a lot less funny when I die of laundry.