Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Exciting news: I got invited to be on a heist team. Not sure what I’ll be doing exactly but being a “fall guy” sounds important.

Shout out to all you people out there who get asked if you’re okay a lot even though that’s the only facial expression you have.

Guy on plane:
*hits me in face with coat*
That was me.

Me: *turns around*
*pokes him in the eye*
*takes his peanuts*
And that…was me.

If you’re responsible for the fruit tray, then your family has zero faith in your culinary skills

To its credit, only like 8% of doing the Macarena involves heiling Hitler.

All the stores are selling sexy women’s Santa lingerie because, as it turns out, a lot of dudes, and I mean A LOT, have a thing for Santa Claus.

He asked if I was flexible so I sent him a pic of my stretch marks

[throwing a party]
I invited Judas. That okay?
“Judas from IT, or the guy who betrayed Jesu-”
*loud knock*
“It’s the Roman legion. Open up!”

Everyone needs to leave Twitter right now.

A pipe burst.

Hey geese crossing the road, u can fly.

My wife is leaving for work and I just told the baby “no pooping today.”

I have strict instructions to my husband that upon my death he has to put that “in memory of my beautiful wife” sticker on the back of his car or I’ll haunt him forever.

But who am I kidding? I’m going to haunt him regardless.

Somewhere, a real Nigerian prince is sitting at his computer wondering, “Why oh why does nobody reply to my emails?”

Tired: Clapping when the plane lands

Wired: Clapping when the Lyft arrives

we baptize all our dinosaurs just in case all that catholic shit turns out to be true

To avoid eating all the Halloween candy, I got tiny Bibles to hand out instead but, nope, I’ve eaten all those too.

“He sees you when you’re sleeping, he knows when you’re awake.” Santa is your cellmate.

Driving is great because it combines my love of sitting with my love of being mad

[leaving HS reunion w/ date]
Aren’t you going to ask why everybody was calling me ‘smelly boy’ tonight?
“Seemed pretty clear I thought”

I want to cover you in expensive things like gasoline.

this pandemic has been really hard on those of us who are hotter in person

Just threw a ghost boomerang. That’s gonna come back to haunt me.

Got kicked out of the flat earth bar for offering to buy everyone a round.

[lifeguard panting and dropping me in sand] what the hell
[me trying to catch my breath] sorry. I thought you were a shark for most of that

Well well well, if it isn’t the bridge I said I’d burn when I came to it…

wife: what time is it

me, trying to set the world record for longest anyone has gone without bending their elbows: you know I can’t see my watch

if aliens came to earth and found out that there was a department called ‘human resources’ in every single business they’d be like “oh crap there are other aliens here already” and i think that is very smart of us

YOU: I murdered someone.

YOUR DOG: I’m totally cool with that. I love you.

******************

YOU: I murdered someone.

YOUR CAT: Me too.