Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

WIFE: [trying to distract our crying baby] give him your car keys

ME: good idea! [hopeful] you think he’ll drive away?

My dog asked what it was like to be human, so I told him that talking was a good start.

OTHER BOY: why are we all here anyway

ME: I think it’s for the milkshakes

LACTOSE INTOLERANT BOY IN THE YARD: oh no

I love going to the gym this time of year because I’m a perfect example of what years of neglect and nachos can do to a body.

Am I…are we… is this a date? *elevator opens & he leaves*

“I can’t believe putting bears in charge of the hospital administration system didn’t work out. They just kept eating all the patients!”

“Maybe we should let the bears choose the doctors?”

“And run the hospital cafeteria!”

“More bear involvement is obviously the answer!”

Wife said “these kids are leaving the lights on” so looks like I have some competition in the dad department.

Due to rising prices, Dollar Tree is changing their name to ‘Tree Fiddy’.

me: my girlfriend’s a model

him: oh yeah what kind?

me: papier-mâché

Me: Haha hate it when I walk into a room and then forget what I came in for.
Executioner: Seriously these are your last words?

The longest 36 hours of my day is from the moment I tell my kids good night to the moment they are actually asleep.

Keep yelling “dance!” and shooting at my feet, tough guy. I studied tap for 9 years and you’re going to look like an idiot.

Spent 10 mins trying to get into my car today…finally the door opened when the person who actually owned the car unlocked it.

I sure didn’t win the genetic lottery. I can eat healthy and diet for 6 months and lose 10 lbs. I eat like shit for 3 and a quarter days and gain 73

Day one back at school and my daughter coughed and I told her if she does that again she’s grounded

“Well … I’ll be dammed.”

Bodies of water when they see beavers coming.

*phone rings*
Yoda: Yoda
Luke: WTF VADER’S MY DAD?
Y: Uh
L: And you knew & told me to kill him?
Y:
L:
Y: Going thru a tunnel I am
*hangs up*

Remember when you were small & all you wanted was a pony but your parents were high on meth & thought the house was already full of ponies?

There comes a point in every parent’s life when they notice the soap and shampoo they bought for their kids isn’t getting used up nearly as quickly as it should be.

“Every action has an equal and opposite reaction.”

– Isaac Newton, observing me on a date

in 3 months

me, too, girl. me, too.

I just want the courage to stick with my choice of medium sized refreshments after the cashier tells me that large is just 25 cents more.

Screech up to a yard sale. Ask if they have any haunted amulets. Yell at the dog in your backseat, “I’m GETTING the spell reversed, Greg!”

I’m Puerto Rican, but not “carries a knife in my purse everywhere I go” Puerto Rican.

Sometimes it’s in my bra.

Pretty telling how high and mighty my mother has become since she no longer needs help setting the VCR clock.

me: wow that exam was easy

*gets a 53*

Me: You can say coffee mug or coffee cup and both are acceptable but if you say tea mug people get all weird

English friend: If you say tea mug again I won’t be responsible for my actions

You can tell a lot about a woman from her hands, for instance if they are firmly around your throat she is probably slightly upset.

10: Mom did you ride a horse and buggy when you were younger?

Me: Go to your room.