A reality show, where you spy on your suspected cheating significant other, called Baewatch.
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Whenever an overnight guest is using a spare toothbrush at my house I always walk in and ask them if they’ve seen my butthole scrubber.
*pops stick of Juicy Fruit in mouth*
“Mmm, this is delic…shit, the flavor’s gone.”
30-year-old: My knee hurts, but I don’t know why.
Me: Aww, that’s cute. I remember when I thought pain had to have reasons.
whenever a man says he’s well endowed I always hope he means with a grant from the government for his new art project
[bill gates house]
Bill: What’s on at the cinema?
Wife: Let me google it and-
*terrified look at bill*
Wife: Let me bing it and see.
Any animal that has a face CAN SPEAK. They’re just being stubborn.
*lowers head
*breaks thru 5 tackles
*hurdles lineman
*runs 100 yards
*hamstrung at goal line
*dragged back to line of scrimmage-my wedding
They also CAN sing✌️
Girls get so turned on when you take charge. Grab her hair and tell her she needs a shampoo with no harsh sulfates and a new lip stain.
The most unrealistic part of Star Wars is that everyone knows how to fix their own spaceship.
me: you hear old macdonald’s farm got replaced by artificial intelligence?
him: AI?
me: AI
him: oh
Hello Darkness, my old frie- *the lights suddenly turn on* oh it’s like that now?
If a serial killer commits suicide, you can console his family by saying,
“hey, at least he died doing what he loved”
KID IN PARK [crying] I think my mum might of left me here
ME: Oh no!
WIFE: Talk to him
ME: Hey, listen kid *kneels down* it’s might HAVE
“GRAAAAAAIIIINNNNS” — Vegetarian Zombie
My sex moves can best be described as trapped with an angry cat on a punctured water bed
We wouldn’t really have any national debt in this country if strippers would just pay their damn income taxes.
Restaurant toilets are dangerous!
So many of my dates have gone to use them and vanished!
Why didn’t Wile E. Coyote just spend all that Acme money to buy an actual dinner?
My husband started exercising and now I have to start exercising out of spite.
Will you 💍💍 meow meow 💍💍 me?
Have your tribal tattoo call my tramp stamp and let’s make beautiful, douchey babies together.
One of the happiest days of my life was when I walked down the aisle.
And saw that Tesco had a 3 for £12 offer on bottles of wine.
Got a plant that apparently likes a “partially shady area” so I’m planting it in an Italian restaurant in New York
Girlfriend: “I regret getting you that blender for your birthday”
Me drinking a pop tart: “why??”
My wife doesn’t believe that auto correct changed “Yes dear” to “Hell no I’m not picking your mother up from the airport at 1am.”
Given my love of animals and hatred of housework, I predict my cause of death will be choking on a fur ball.
Red red wine… goes to my head yea yea. Makes forget oh yea. That i been textin you.
~If UB40 had wrote Red Wine in todays society. 🤷♀️😂
*accidentally leaving the house without headphones* oH NO NOW PEOPLE CAN SEE ME