A reality show, where you spy on your suspected cheating significant other, called Baewatch.
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the wok is the most versatile of all the kitchen tools. i make everything in there. everything. plz test me. spaghetti? that’s waghetti now. tacos? u mean wok-o’s baby. u want some muffins, dude? flip that “m” upside-down my guy cuz we eat wuffins in this house
I always wear running shoes while driving because you won’t know what the terrain will be like until after the cop pulls you over.
Ladies, if he can’t appreciate fruit jokes…
… you need to let that mango.
If you tell Dad jokes and you’re not actually a Dad, you are a faux pa.
Her: “chicks dig scars”
Wolverine: “damn it”
They should punish kids who do well in school with more homework to prepare them for what happens to people who are efficient at their jobs.
ME: *using a ouija board* Are there any spirits here?
OUIJA BOARD: No.
ME: I don’t believe you.
OUIJA BOARD: That seems like a you problem.
Day One living in a Tiny House: Well, isn’t this quaint?
Day Two: Murder
Accidentally just knocked a lady over in Dominos Pizza. Well, I say one…
Who does Amazon think I am?
A scrub is a guy who thinks he’s fly.
[I scramble to take off my full-body fly costume]
surprise your partner in the bedroom by loudly turning into a helicopter
*wife hangs a “No Diving” sign above the tub like that’s going to stop me*
[Job Interview]
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: Chief Executive Director of Burrito Operations.
Interviewer: Uh… we’re not a food company.
Me: *leans back, puts feet on the desk, pulls out a burrito* Yet.
My cause of death will probably be something stupid like, she was running from a swarm of bees and got hit by a dumptruck.
You can’t leave the aquarium with a penguin.
It’s a stuffed animal I got in the gift shop.
Ma’am, it’s moving.
I GOT IT IN THE GIFT SHOP!
me: what do you know about atoms?
friend: very little
me: besides that
If I did one of those wine and paint nights the instructor would be like wow look at you, you are really good at wine.
This lady didn’t know how to use the gas pump, so I winked at her and whispered “nobody does” while pouring gas into my jacket pocket.
Therapist: So why are you guys here?
Me: I feel like we are having communication problems.
Him: This is our first date?
Trimmed my eyebrows too short. Now every time I catch someone staring, I sternly say “my eyes are down here.”
Good night everyone except the demon who invented loud cookie packaging
we need to take away the covid variant naming rights from the nerds trying to make it sound cool
trying to carry a pet to bed is like moving a dense liquid that’s annoyed by you
Imagining serif fonts taking off their little hats and shoes when they get home from work
I have been using teeth whitener, and now they are completely oblivious to the experiences and sufferings of other peoples.
the way she just yells ‘STOP IT!’ in a drive by telling off to the two riding goats as she runs past on her way to rescue the other one – I can’t breathe
So now I’m told that when cats bring in dead mice, they aren’t “trophies”, but a critique on your own ability to hunt and feed yourself. Which is a bit rich from an an animal that gives it the big leg rub when it fancies a pouch of salmon & herring, the grifting whiskery pricks.
HER: I can’t be with a guy who thinks he’s Optimus Prime
ME: I can change Becky
HER: promise?
ME: into a semi truck
I just shaved my armpits after such an extended hiatus that my razor acted as little more than a comb. Should have scythed first.