A reality show, where you spy on your suspected cheating significant other, called Baewatch.
You Might Also Like
[ walking down the soap and detergent isle at the store ]
14: it smells like chores in here
And in that moment, she decided to stand up for herself
Never again would she do what Simon said
Show her you’re into her by running your toes through her hair
card machine: insert chip card into reader
me: ok
card machine: do NOT remove card
me: uhh ok i wo-
card machine: REMOVE THE CARD YOU PIECE OF SHIT
Pro-tip for couples suddenly working from home together: Get yourselves an imaginary coworker to blame things on. In our apartment, Cheryl keeps leaving her dirty water cups all over the place and we really don’t know what to do about her.
My daughter just said “my friends all think you’re cool but I know you’re not.” Like WTF man I was just sitting there minding my business
Sheryl Crow: This ain’t no disco. This ain’t no country club either.
Sheryl Crow – The world’s worst archaeologist.
[diet journal]
day 1: hungry
day 2: hungry
day 3: hungry
day 4: ate neighbor
[sideline]
QB: Do you think I should go for it?
COACH: I say go for it[huddle]
CENTER: So?
QB: Would you like to go for a coffee sometime?
The person who named the Sea of Tranquility on the Moon had to be a realtor.
Relationship status: I just found a piece of chicken in my hair.
I ate it.
Then looked for more.
Wife: I want a divorce because your enthusiasm’s turned into bitter sarcasm
Tony the Tiger: great
It’s so cute how all the free sandwiches in the fridge at work have little names.
Listen son, you know how you find an awesome song & you listen to it over and over again until you hate it? Well, I’m leaving your mother.
Don’t judge me for my 2-year-old having a pacifier in her mouth.
Judge me for not having any idea where this pacifier came from.
Chemical wingman
Bad: I saw my girlfriend’s name and number on a couple of men’s bathroom walls..
Worse: It was in her handwriting…
I have 15,000 pencils, but I don’t remember buying any. Also, I don’t have a pencil sharpener, so none of them work.
NyQuil the daytime drive your car into a ditch cold medicine.
I don’t understand why my coworkers always complain when I microwave my favorite meal: curry salmon stuffed with burnt popcorn.
I love that spiderman sits like that. That’s not a spider thing. Spiders don’t do that. But spiderman does.
I’VE BEEN SHOT. SEND HELP! I’M GOING DOWN. Wait. False alarm. The wire on my bra just snapped in half.
Accidentally dropped a magic mushroom in my cats litter box & now he’s laying across the driveway staring at the stars & quoting Kierkegaard
Have you ever tried archery blindfolded?
You don’t know what you’re missing
I bet Thor would lose his shit if he knew how many hammers are at Home Depot.
“Seize the day!”
No thank you. I will leave the day alone and hope it extends me the same courtesy.
[New printer]
Align printer *prints page*
Clean printhead *prints page*
Print this test page *prints page*Ink low, replace cartridges
A lot of people have asked me what happened to my 25-year-old boyfriend. I’m sorry to say that eventually (I believe) he did turn 26
me: my doctor said to replace oil with applesauce to be healthier
mechanic: [looking at my car’s smoking engine] i think he just meant in food
Goodnight moon. Goodnight cow jumping over the moon. Goodnight space cow preventing other cows from clearing the moon. Goodnight ketamine.