Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Adulthood is about being able to eat cookies for breakfast, but not doing it because you already ate all the cookies.

No thanks Audi; I get all the uncompromised luxury I can handle by driving whatever car my wife thinks makes me look the most married.

I’m opening an Italian restaurant for Alphas called “Testosteroni.” Who want to get in on the ground floor?

[sees Facebook friend you haven’t talked to in 12 years just got married] wow thanks for the invite prick did our 5 weeks of driver’s ed together mean nothing to u

The second cup of coffee does for me what a can of spinach does for Popeye.

If you live in the U.S., date someone in Australia. That way when they dump you it will be tomorrow, and you don’t have to deal with it yet.

Sometimes I run across a room really fast so a spider sees me out of the corner of its eye and spends the evening worrying where I’ve gone.

Writers will call anything menacing and I’m just supposed to accept it. “A menacing wind” “a menacing howl in the distance”. Just say you’re scared of wind and corgis. Don’t try to convince me it’s reasonable.

[at my funeral]

pastor: hey this casket is empty

me [whispering from the bushes]: get to the part where everyone cries

Four Worst Feelings Ever:

4. Losing your job
3. Romantic break up
2. Death of a loved one
1. Needing to pee when you’re stuck in traffic

“My leg’s been hurting for 20 years.”

* my 6yr old who exaggerates and is also bad at math

boss: you’re fired. clean out your desk.

me, a janitor: look, am I fired or not?

7: My teacher gave me a Christmas card but it’s cursed
Me: That… seems strange
7: That’s how they used to write in the olden days

[Microsoft Outlook developer meeting]

“we need to tell users when their inbox is full”
how do we do that?
“we send them another email”
nice

Today I opened the door to the supply room and four Japanese guys jumped out and yelled “supplies!”

I wish Adele would hurry up and put out another album so I could end this relationship.

From the looks of your eyebrows, your shock collar must have malfunctioned.

Me: I’m exhausted. Please just go to sleep.
Brain: K
Me:
Brain:
Me:
Brain:
Me: *almost asleep, drooling a little*
Brain: HOW WOULD YOU EVEN DANCE IF YOUR FEET ARE LOOSE

Me: *Eating Swedish Fish*

Alexander Skarsgård: OH NO, MY KOI POND!

You know what bothers me? When people assume you’re homeless cause you’re asleep on the street and your pants are gone..

Lady Doritos was my favorite character in Macbeth

Son: Can you teach me about fractions? Me: Sure. I love 2/3 of my children.

can’t now..
having an heated argument with my toaster.

If I got kidnapped I’d just be like, “fine – you worry about dinner now.”

“Do not look that up on urban dictionary,” is a nice way of saying “ready the eyeball bleach, because I know you’re gonna.”

This is joyous. Go to any YouTube video. Pause it. Click anywhere outside the video and then type 1980. Now defend yourself.

me [holding wife’s shirt] Can this go in the dryer?
wife: What does it say on the tag?
me: “Made in Vietnam”
wife: The other tag
me: Oh
wife:
me: “Gap”

MOTHRA: try this, its crunchy & juicy
GODZILA: i cant, im on a…low-car diet
MOTHRA: o ha ha like low-carb
GODZILA: ha ha
HUMANS IN CAR: AHHH

An interrogator that just goes into the room and loudly eats a peach until the suspect confesses to everything.

If you are interested in me, now is the time to shoot your shot. My standards are incredibly low.