Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My son doesn’t always throw up, but when he does, he’s already in bed.

Her: I’m breaking up with you

Me: Don’t leave me oh please! Why?

Her: It’s the way you have to arrange every sentence you say alphabetically, it’s weird.

Me: No oh 🙁

Don’t let anyone treat you like a red flag, you’re the whole damn red carpet baby

You’re the water to my grease fire.

When I count my blessings, I count you twice, subtract 4, multiply by 8, and divide by 15 because I don’t know how math or blessings work.

You can go straight to hell! Well, unless you’re being chased by an alligator, in which case I recommend zig-zagging your way to hell.

Next time you yawn in front of me i’m gonna chuck a peanut m&m down your throat.

“Nutella causes cancer” says one scientist with his mouth covered in chocolate. “Send your jars to me and I will dispose of them.”

I don’t know what happened but the entire pan of brownies is gone and I only had 4,500 slivers.

[first day as a buddhist] go ahead. name a person more patient than me. i’ll wait.

I started a petition to ban people from collecting autographs.

So far I’ve got 50,000 signatures.

School email said if we shop at a certain store a potion will be donated, and that sounds way more exciting than money

March 16

them: the new Batman film will be totally raw and gritty

me:

Is it too late to drop myself off at the fire station?

Before you marry someone, try decorating a Christmas tree together.

“I can’t believe you string lights like that, Brad. I’m out.”

was reading about defunct airlines again and i can’t believe they named it this

Normal adult questions:
– who, what, when, where, why, how

Normal 3 year old questions:
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why

hardest part of beekeeping is thinking of all the names

“Wow you’re an English teacher? You must get so mad at the grammar on Twitter!”

I do not give one single shit how you choose to structure your thoughts on this free app made for character limited discussion.

“Owen, you must hide this baby from Anakin Skywalker at all costs.”

“Okay. Should we continue to call him Luke Skywalker?”

“That’s cool.”

Me: *buying bug spray* Is this good for ants?
Clerk: No. It kills them.

It’s almost ten o’clock, time for me to go outside and hit this big sheet of metal with a hammer in the parking lot for an hour and then turn my car alarm on

Relationship status: Getting dirty is always a reference to food stains.

I set up my Nativity scene, but since baby Jesus hasn’t arrived yet, Mary, Joseph and all the Wise Men are just looking down at their phones.

Do you have little ones who are nervous about flying? This is a great bedtime read before you go.

[running into my high school math teacher in 7-11 parking lot]

him: hey what’s up

me: oh just going to the [nervous glance at store sign] -4

[after sex]

Me: is that a tattoo of Sebastian the crab?

Her: yeah, I love crabs

Me: then I have some GREAT news!

Me: So Christ’s body is the bread?

Priest: yes

Me: and he rose from the grave

Priest: yes…

Me: because of the yeast?

Priest: no

Me: okay, none of this makes sense

I’m going to normalize a new trend.

Unsolicited *CROC* pics