Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“My desires are… unconventional.”

“Show me.”

*opens door to a room full of memes*

INSURANCE REP: I’m afraid you’re going to need more coverage

ME: sorry I couldn’t find my pants this morning

I don’t know why people pay therapists to tell them what’s wrong with their lives when I’ll do it for free.

I always cry at weddings, but only because being that close to large cakes makes me so happy.

i have never felt this meme more than after listening to Threedom… good job brahs.

me: having a physical body is inconvenient. i want to be a sentient cloud or a useful metaphor
alien who abducted me: do you ever stop talking?
me: lol no

Woke up this morning with a pillow over my face, hearing someone muttering “…it would be so easy…”

Customer: I can’t see. How many sugar and fiber are in this bar?

Me: 7 sugar 5 fiber

C: That’s not very healthy… Just the smokes then.

[On a walk with my dad aka My Parents: A Love Story]

Dad shouting into his phone:
YES I TOOK THE GARBAGE OUT COMMA OUT WALKING NOW COMMA LOVE YOU EXCLAMATION POINT

Grocery store

Me: reach something for me?

Tall guy: sure thing!

Me: I have an itch right under my left shoulder blade.

Interviewer : On your resume, you have the word “thigh” and it’s blank for 2 years. Please explain.
Me: That’s my thigh gap

what other people think of me is none of my business. unless it’s bad, then i need to know everything

I should have been a cat, bc all I do is sleep and the rest of the time I’m just weird.

Remember that decades long January? We didn’t know how good we had it.

[first day as coast guard]
Boss: 7 people died on your watch today
Me [looking off into the distance]: yes but the coast is fine

luke, thats a persons name. whys everybodys star wars name gotta be like, hoobie doodoo or seb neb or something

Sometimes I think I have indigestion and gas but then I remember that Jesus lives inside us all.

Me: I know what you’re thinking. Everyone thinks it’s suspicious that my husbands died of natural causes so early in life
Him: One fell while hiking, one tumbled out of his office window and the other drove his car into the ocean.
Me: Gravity is natural.

1st birthday party: *intense Pinterest deep dive, starts buying things 6 months in advance, starts decorating a month before party*

7th birthday party: *oh shit, the party is in 2 days. Guess I should order some food or something*

I used to hold the flashlight for my dad, but now I hold the flashlight for myself. I still can’t see anything. The same amount of swearing is involved.

It took 3 employees to help me complete “self-checkout” today.

My 5 yo just told me she decided she will only have 2 kids, because “having 4 kids like you did is annoying Mommy”

………. she’s my 3rd kid.

Any weekend is a Vampire Weekend if you can’t look at yourself in the mirror afterwards.

[my first day hosting shopping channel]
“for those of you who love coconut, boy do we have a product for you”
[holds up a coconut]

*pulls up to drive thru window

Hi yes, do you guys deliver?

“you are strong. you are smart,” i whisper to myself as i struggle to figure out whether to push or pull on a door

Library of Alexandria discourse is starting up again and I can’t believe how many people are misinformed on this. So, once again:
Libraries have no natural predators. Burning them down is literally the only way to keep the population under control.

Just gave this idiot a thumbs up for cutting me off, and I think I might not understand road rage.