Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

How far did I walk away from the sink when I was brushing my teeth? As always, too far.

what’s your pitch?
“so this guy steals from the rich…”
ok
“and gives to the poor”
nice. what’s his name?
“Robin…”
haha I love it
“Hood”
wait

If they cancel the Times Square New Year’s Eve Celebration, I feel bad for everyone who misses out on what everyone I know who’s ever been to it describes as one of the worst things they’ve ever experienced.

I went out last night and my husband put the 3yo and the baby to bed by himself, which neither of us has done alone yet. I got home and everyone was asleep and he was so calm, and I was like “Wow I’m so glad it well went!” and he was like “oh no, it went terribly.” 😂

People who love to clean are just practicing to eliminate the evidence

shoutout to everyone but my kids who both decided to do summer school killing all of my mornings forever

“I really like Eminem.”

” I prefer smarties.”

“No, the rapper.”

“Why would you eat the wrapper?”

#FridayVibes #RubbishJokes

Oh, more embarrassing things I have done as a lawyer:

While working from home, I joined zoom court with my microphone on, not realized it, and reacted to a knock at the door by yelling “I swear to god I am in court right now!” And the judge said, “yes, you are.”

Me flirting at a party

me: so what’s your major

her: radiology

me: oh cool AM or FM?

cop pulling me over: whoa whoa, where are you off to in such a hurry

me: some of your colleagues are chasing me

All of my loved ones know, that if I ever use the phrase
”He seemed nice, but he was a Capricorn” in a call, they need to get the cops involved, ’cause I’ve been kidnapped.

[after recapturing an escaped convict]

sheriff: “congratulations on your absquatulation from prison but its time to go back to the slammer”

convict:

deputy *feels for a pulse*: “sheriff, hes absquatulated!”

sheriff: “we really need separate Word of the Day calendars”

[getting completely dominated in a street fight]

ME: damn this toddler plays by her own rules

Sick of people thinking the Midwest is just a bunch of small towns and cornfields when they forgot it’s also a lot of road construction, inconsistent weather, and deer that jump in front of your car

Dude tried to pick me up at the gym but I was like bro I’m dying just let me lay here

If you watch The Titanic backwards.. It’s about a magical boat that saves people.

date: this is so romantic

me: just the two of us

date: and the stars

me: and the moon

the moon: *winks at my date*

me: *narrowing eyes* son of a-

[First Date]

Me: So, Construction?
Him: Yeah
M: You nail stuff? With your big hammer?
H:
M: Like to screw?
H:
M: Hey! Where are you going?

I hate when people I know visit my city w/o asking me what to do. What do you mean you’re going to The Coughing Museum?

My wife says she can breakdown cardboard packaging for the recycling bin better than I can. I think I will just let her have that one.

I have a bumper sticker that says “Honk if you think I’m sexy.” Then I just wait at green lights until I feel better about myself.

but that was my emotional support daylight

me: [texting a friend i haven’t talked to in 17 months for no reason] hi
friend: hey! how are you?
me: [3 months later] i’m ok

“Got any drugs or alcohol on you?”

“yup, I’m all set. Thanks Officer”

Moms have an amazing superpower: we can speak at full volume without anyone hearing us.

You hear a lot about golden retriever boyfriends but not girlfriends. I am one. Always excited to see you, motivated by treats and pets, constantly shedding

My phone refuses to recognize that Transatlanticism is a word. Do you know how hard it is to get through that word without predictive text. And I talk about Transatlanticism a LOT

All these girls tweeting about going braless & I’m just over here on my back trying not to look like I have 2 bald guys in a headlock.

Loan me a couple bucks?
“Sure”
*throws 2 huge deer carcasses on counter*
Dude where did u get those?
“…”
Can I even pay with these?

If I apply for a job at the railroad,

will they expect me to already know how to do the job

or will they train me?