A really effective car insurance ad would just show pics of Lindsay Lohan and Amanda Bynes and say: Because these girls have licenses.
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MR. PEANUT: so you expect me to help sell members of my own kind to be eaten by humans?
BOSS: yeah. you get to wear a top hat and a monocle tho
MR. PEANUT: throw in some gloves and a cane and you’ve got yourself a deal
Waiter: pumpkin pie?
Me: ok, …. darling
synchronized noseblowing
Fun fact: Taking a box of condoms to the pharmacist’s window and asking for the fitting room will get you thrown out of Target.
i know what will make the other reindeer like rudolph more – a surprise promotion from the boss on the biggest night of the year
REPORTER: still feel it was a good idea to spend all $80 million of your lottery winnings on this?
ME: [using my 28 surgically added hands to pet 30 dogs at once] yes
[a 31st dog walks by]
ME: oh no
Whenever I see a newspaper on a driveway, left out in the rain, I figure that house just forgot how to read.
I see it’s garbage day on twitter again.
“He sure seems like a nice young man” is Grandma-speak for “I’d totally hit that.”
What if the alien abductions are all the same guy? The other grays hold a press conference and say “Oh, that’s just Kyle. He’s a jerk.”
attention murderers, please do not murder me for the next 1 hour and 40 minutes as i am once again watching How To Train Your Dragon
Me: alright early to bed
Brain: nice
Me: need a good night sleep
Brain: rest is important
Me: don’t go saying shit to keep me awake all night
Brain: I won’t
Me: …
Brain: …
Me: …
Brain: …
Me: you still awake?
Brain: my guy if you’re awake I’m awake we been thru this
Did you know baby cuddlers are a thing in hospitals? What a great volunteer service, to love on newborn babies. All those new baby smells. I’d do it, but I think they search your purse on the way out.
When I die I want my funeral to be closed casket but like half way thru someone opens the lid and surprise – it’s a nacho bar inside
I got you a bath bomb to relax. It’s a toaster
I was in the first Top Gun movie.
I was the Marine actually working out in the background while the Navy took time off to play little volleyball games.
Waiter: Is Pepsi ok?
Pepsi: I’m fine.
I snuck popcorn into the movie theatre but they won’t let me use their microwave.
Nurse at the doctor’s office took my blood pressure, and I swear she was one pump away from hearing my safe word.
Me: uh oh someone’s under the mistletoe!
Raccoon I’ve cornered in the garage: [hisses angrily]
At least we don’t have to wear pants anymore.
Might start wearing turtlenecks so that when I want someone to stop talking to me, I can just unroll the neck up over my face
him: what are you thinking about rn
me: how best to defend myself from an ostrich attack
Me: Tel the doctor I’m coughing up a lung and need to be seen ASAP.
Medical Clerk: That’s awful, hun. How about a month from Monday.
[March 15]
Brutus: Going 2 the senate?
Caesar: yeah u?
Brutus: yep it’ll be killer
Caesar: how so?
Brutus: like cool u know rad senate stuff
Day 4 of quarantine: I’ve gained 796 pounds.
[starts chanting in unison]
In Unison! In Unison! In Unison!
Government Official: I don’t know what he wants, all I know is I don’t like it.
You know what bothers me? When people assume you’re homeless cause you’re asleep on the street and your pants are gone..
I let people think I take the stairs to be fit but really I’m just scared of elevators
May god have mercy on the soul of the person who takes this job
