A really fat friend sat on her cat, long story short – now I can add search & rescue, proctologist and vet to my resume.
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[first day as a director]
me, right after a scene ends perfectly: aaaaaand cup
Saw a woman leave her dog in the car, engine running, air on. He watched her from the front seat for a moment and then drove away
[at bank]
*slides teller a note*Teller:
Me:
T:
M: [winks]
T: Seriously!?
M: uh huh
T:
M:
T: *slides me a lollipop*
Sorry I told you that you should probably take down your Halloween profile picture when you had already put your normal picture up days ago.
Starbucks job interview:
“What’s your name?”
“Alyssa”
“Spell that please”
“L A R I S S A”
“When can you start?”
*feels the wind in my toe hair
i bet there’s a couple seconds on that medieval torture stretcher rack where it feels incredible
The lady beside me at the airport just pulled out a whole block of marble cheese and started gnawing on it. Frankly, my emotions are mixed
Why don’t they just call a mirror ‘The Self Checkout’?
This “band-aid” is bugging me 🤣
It’s hard to tweet and change the baby’s diaper at the same time.
I probably should have waited until I got to a red light.
Interviewer: So why do you want this job?
Me: I don’t. I want money.
Me watching any ad in 2024: How is this ad an ad for the thing it’s an ad for?
wife: everyone at buffalo wild wings is staring at you
me: i’m sorry if i like using a fork and knife
wife: on your coke though?
Sister: You need more friends
Me: *phone vibrates* I have plenty of friends. In fact one just texted me
Text: Carol has put your pizza in the oven
Me: Haha that is classic Carol
guy at seaworld: “it’s a cross between an eel and a shark, we’re asking everyone to pick a name for him”
wife: “steve”
me: “sharkeel o’neal”
Party Tip:
At a 3-year-old’s birthday party, you can piss all over the bathroom. ALL OVER!!!! Nobody will suspect you.
[invents time machine and goes back to the dinosaurs]
“in a few years its gonna be really cold”
*hands them mixtape*
“you’re gone need this”
Me: Is anyone gonna eat this?
Them: That’s a baby.
Me: *rolling my eyes* that’s why I asked first.
Curling is an Olympic sport.
What about Straightening ?There are women who can do
amazing things with a flat iron.
I fit into my fat clothes again thank god I didn’t throw them away
It could have been love, but then I caught her putting a perfectly good steak in an air fryer.
Boss: You were napping
Me: No I wasn’t
Boss: You drew eyes on Post-it notes & stuck them to your face
Me: Liar! *draws on angry eyebrows*
Him “You run like a gazelle.”
Me “I’m graceful?”
Him “No. You’d be easy prey for a mountain lion.”
This morning my daughter lost her watch, mask, homework book, hairbrush and my will to live
Sorry, I didn’t mean to lol your poetry
May 2020
STING: *reads about murder hornets*[applies for name change]
June 2020
STING: *reads about the police*[leaves the country]
I’m not a dietitian, but if you eat pizza right at midnight your body doesn’t know if the calories go towards yesterday or today so they don’t count