A really fat friend sat on her cat, long story short – now I can add search & rescue, proctologist and vet to my resume.
You Might Also Like
Was watching that new walking dead and it was really good. They ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran fr
55 burgers 55 fries 55 tacos 55 fries 55 cokes 100 tater tots 100 pizzas 100 tenders 100 meatballs 100 coffees 55 wings 55 shakes 55 pancakes 55 pastas 55 peppers and 155 taters
If someone doesn’t respond to your text within 5 minutes, they obviously don’t love you anymore. Probably never did, react accordingly.
Do you think, in a pinch, Jim Henson ever used Kermit as an oven mitt?
Getting kidnapped and taken to a private island where I’m hunted for sport by a wealthy psychopath wouldn’t even crack the top 3 worst relationships I’ve been a part of.
I’m tired tomorrow.
I bet there are muppets that have thought about shanking Elmo.
Life Coach: Tell me something you’ve done that’s amazing
Me: Once I sneezed so loud in a restroom, a paper towel dispensed automatically
[first day as a dentist] *encounters tongue* huh. this isn’t teeth
Putting sunscreen on kids feels like cardio
Lice is the herpes of kindergarten.
[first date]
Her: I’m really into literature.
Me: I love crime and punishment.
Her: Yes! Incredible book, right?
Me: … book?
I turn hot dog water into ice cubes for house guests I don’t like
“I’VE BEEN KICKED OUT OF CLASSIER BARS THAN THIS,” I scream at my house
4: mama you’re a sweet tomato!
Me: Aw thank y-
4: because you’re round
Me: …
4: and plumpy
Me: go to your room
Pronouncing words correctly is not my fort.
Shot pool with my 15yo son.
Taught him a valuable lesson.
You can restart a video game 1000 times.
You can only lose your allowance once.
i turned 40 and suddenly i can’t see shit if i drive at night and it’s raining. Is the lane still there? Idk. Did the road disappear? Idk. Am I even on the road anymore? Nope.
No, I don’t need a bag; I’m gonna juggle this 12 pack, this bag of ice and this whole roasted chicken on my unicycle while whistling Dixie.
You have tattoos and curves?
*unbuttons pants*
You’re also batshit crazy?
*takes off pants*
You listen to Paramore?
*puts on clothes*
Friend: I’m getting married!
Me: I suffer from IBS.
F: Why are you telling me that?
M: I thought we were just stating unfortunate truths.
Just tell me which one is wrong, the password or the username!! Don’t make me have to guess.
If you’re not going to card me for wine, then don’t card me when I ask for a senior citizen discount.
When you spill the batter all over the counter it’s pancakke.
Be the chaos you wish to see in the world:
HIM: [awkwardly] wanna go see a movie?
HER: sure, sounds great.
[next day]
HIM: could i maybe come with you next time?
A survey shows that 20% of men kiss their wife goodbye when they leave the house and 80% kiss their house goodbye when they leave the wife..
me: I think some people are birds in disguise
friend: lol can I tweet that
me: *narrows eyes* can you what
There’s so much going on 😂😂😂
Flossed the day before a dentist appointment like I was cramming for a history test.