A really fat friend sat on her cat, long story short – now I can add search & rescue, proctologist and vet to my resume.
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Wanna know what’s cold? An airplane toilet seat at 30,000 feet.
Wanna know what’s colder? The stare of the person exiting the restroom after you.
My neighbor is trying to organize a block party and it’s like, I think we all know each other well enough, Tall Lady On Corner.
If you’re gonna get on Mastodon, I would like to apologise in advance for being the guy responsible for posts being called “Toots”. I thought it was funny. And it is, and it’s even funnier that some people hate it. I take it back, I’m not sorry. Ha ha. Toots.
Boeing set to re-brand as “The ACME Corporation.”
My wife persuaded me to get a cat on the grounds they’re independent and take care of themselves.
Anyway, here’s a picture of me helping Bobby off the shed roof after he got stuck. Again.
if you ate peanuts out of those bowls on bars in the 80’s or 90’s you’re a little gross for doing that but you’re also immune to pretty much every virus or disease ever
*pronounces fake like saké*
Everyone: “You don’t watch Game of Thones?! Watch it immediately.”
After every episode: “That was HORRIBLE.”
Men: Take Route 2 to the 156 and get on the 7.
Me: I DO NOT KNOW WHAT THIS MEANS.
DATE: so tell me something about yourself
ME: i am older than every dog
I push everything I have across the table and confidently call “all in”.
“Omg, for the last time, this is chess”
BULLY: [rolling up sleeves] you wanna take this outside?
ME: yes, yes i do. it’s so beautiful out there today. a truly gorgeous day
Meow?
“You can eat 50% of a mermaid before you’re considered a cannibal.”
My kid, using homeschool math during social distancing
My Sherpa girlfriend is too high-mountainance.
Me: Can my gift this year be a new secretary.
Boss: I cannot legally assign you anyone until your last secretary’s case goes to trial…
Play the long game? You mean Monopoly?
sober me: where’s my phone?
drunk me: I’ll never tell
refrigerator: you’re not going to believe this
I love it when I’m cooking a meal and half way through I realise I don’t have all the ingredients so I improvise by eating a cake instead.
Me to client: Is there anywhere else you’re purchasing supplies with other than me?
Client: sadly no. Just you.
Me:
Client: I didn’t mean it like that!
The reviews for Cats are in (17% on rotten tomatoes), and they are spectacular.
Walmart greeters check and barcode returns now before you go on to customer service. So at least two people will know I ended up not needing that maximum strength ex-lax after all.
gonna write a steamy vampire chicken novella, call it “stake & eggs”
My kid: I’m cold, can I have some tea?
Also my kid: *puts 8 ice cubes into hot tea*
Hear me out:
Brunch where pajama attire is required.
The top Little Caesars pizza competitor is Big Brutus.
I found the cure to obesity, but then I ate it.
There should be an Amazon driver at the Mall during the holidays so adults can sit on their lap and tell them what they want
everyone’s a critic
[funeral]
ok I need everyone over 70 to gather for the bouquet toss