Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My competitive neighbors are flexing on me by mowing their yard first and making mine look like shit.

Saying “3 twins” is wild.

Reminder that April is Procrastination Awareness Month. It’s finally my time to shine…

Aw beans

My uncle used to bet me a root beer that I couldn’t sit quietly in the car in the casino parking lot. I ALWAYS won lmao

contractor: I finished installing the secret entrances, death ray, and crocodile moat. all that is left is the payment

super villain: no

contractor: right, should’ve seen that coming

“someday this will all be yours” I say to my dogs, waving my arms wildly across a half empty plate of mexican food

My main takeaway from The Walking Dead is that you can eat the eight-year-old canned food that’s in the back of the pantry.

what idiot decided to call it “the Iliad & the Odyssey” and not Troy Story and Troy Story 2

878 dead bodies lay there.

Liam Nesson “Are we done?”

Police: “Sure, I don’t see any reason why we should arrest you.”

me: *installs app that vibrates phone whenever I’m owned online*
wife: do you hear bees

Oysters are an aphrodisiac because they figure if you swallow that, you’ll swallow anything

Got a phone call and the caller ID said NYC Human. That sure narrows down the list of who it can be doesn’t it?

[spelling bee finals]
JUDGE: your word is “asterisk”
KID: can you use it in a sentence?
JUDGE: *adjusts mic* yes

Walk into a random building, go to a random floor, step into a random meeting, and take a donut. Best donut you’ll ever eat.

You have your whole life ahead of you. They threatened

So you think the sloth is the slowest land mammal in the world? Let me introduce you to my 4 year old when he needs to get ready for bed

People constantly tweeting about rough hot sex have clearly never thrown their back out

If the marriage counselor asks how long since you’ve had sex, she means with your spouse. Learn from my mistakes.

My cat has taught me that an 80:20 ratio of sleep to physical activity is really the way to go

certified hallow’s eve classic

Self employment is endlessly odd because obviously there’s so much freedom but I’m always trying to minimize breaks, deciding a set amount of tasks have to be done before I can get lunch, making passive aggressive stickey notes to stay focused, just fully harassing my employees

ME: [first day as a detective] Was the robber armed?

VICTIM: No

ME: *writing ‘probably a snake’ in my notepad* Thank you.

[on a date]

Him: I love the law.

Me: [trying to impress] I like food courts.

“Click to read this man’s secret to incredible 6 pack abs!”
*click*
article: hard work, diet, & exercise
me: I have never felt more betrayed

Having a tan is attractive. Having skin sponsored by Doritos isn’t.

i wish there was a way to online shoplift 🙁

Why are you being weird about how we made eye contact and both smiled and then I took the form of an actual bat and chased you for 11 miles

My bf just suggested we put canned peas in the egg salad and anyway, I’m single now.

$100/night hotel: hi. we have you for 3 nights. checkouts whenever. enjoy the 24 hour gym & pool that smell like chlorine & feet, respectively. unlimited breakfast – eat costco sausages til you die we dont care

$275/night hotel: OH, his royal highness expects FREE WIFI, does he?

When I was in 1st or 2nd grade my teacher once incorrectly marked that I had misspelled the word “weird” on some schoolwork. Rather than looking it up in the dictionary to prove I was right, my parents had me bring in this coffeetable book of pulp magazine covers to show her.