A really good magician could be living in your house and you would never know.
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Surprise parties are great. Depress your friend by pretending to forget their birthday, then terrify them briefly
love black friday. not buying anything, just wanted to go apeshit in a target
I didn’t mean to like your selfie I was just trying to get dried salsa off my phone
You’re a cunt. Maybe that’s why you’re alone.
Not a big conspiracy theory guy but I’m convinced that Nature Valley Crunchy Granola Bars are made by Dyson.
That awkward moment when someone says “stop”, and you don’t know whether to respond with “collaborate and listen” or “hammer time.”
Going feral. Y’all need anything?
Dad just found my Twitter. Fame is a double edged sword. On an unrelated note, church today was so much fun and I got so much studying done.
As much as I love making terrible science puns I understand why they need to be periodically tabled
I’m not heartless. It’s just in a different purse at the bottom of the closet.
It takes an entire village’s whiskey to raise a child
Parenting is about lovingly tucking your kids into bed at night and still waking up with a small foot on your face.
My son keeps insisting that this kid at his daycare is stronger than me. It’s one of those silly arguments you get sucked into as a parent before you realize that a simple arm wrestling match with the three year old will prove your superiority beyond a shadow of a doubt.
Live each day like it’s going to be the opening line of your eulogy
Plants: We should trick people into taking us inside and watering us
Plants once we bring them inside: Oh no
I don’t know how my parents avoided boredom before the internet. My 13 brothers and sisters don’t know either.
There’s a class war brewing on the farm. It’s the hooves and the hoof nots.
The only way Congress will ever pass common sense gun control is if they’re threatened at gunpoint
DOCTOR: I have good news and bad news. The bad news is we can’t reattach your arms.
ME: Oh no. What’s the good news?
DOCTOR: You’ve reached your goal weight.
ME: *I try to fist pump but nothing happens*
Nosey, gossipy neighbour has fallen out with most of the street at some point. 10 years ago she had her lawn replaced with white pebbles. Every work day since I’ve lobbed my chewing gum on there. I reckon there’s now more gum than pebbles.
I found a set of keys everyone was looking for in the pub so i’m a magpie now apparently if anyone’s lost any shiny shit
This made me smile…
“What’s the going rate for a neighborhood kid?” is not the way to ask if anyone in the area is offering landscaping services. I know that now.
There’s 2 types of people in this world, people who give 110%, and the people who passed 4th grade math.
If you see me in the baby section at the store, there’s no bun in the oven. Just a cat at home that clearly needs a onesie.
It’s like all of my wife’s friends say – stop sucking on my loofah and get out of my house
[Judge] everyone is here, the new court reporter is ready, we may begin
[Me, nervously] wait did he say REPORTER? i thought it was–
[Lawyer] ladies and gentlemen of the jury…
[Me, sweating] *starts playing hot cross buns*
If anyone needs some loose IKEA parts, let me know. Also, if you’re ever at my apartment, I’d avoid sitting on or touching any of my furniture.
If you believe that no great story ever started with someone eating a salad, then you’re using the wrong kind of mushrooms.