A really good magician could be living in your house and you would never know.
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zombie kid: why am i being punished
zombie dad: because i found your hand in the cookie jar
“Does your dad play any sports?”
“No, my dad hates sports”
*dad walks in*
“Hey there, Sport”
My husband made me mad so I sent him to a store that closed a year ago to buy something they stopped making two years ago
[Man chasing me through the woods wearing a hockey mask]
GIVE ME BACK MY PUCK
Just Once i’d like the Circus to Run Away with Me
You guys have been the worst hostages I’ve ever used, hands down.
*everyone lowers their hands*
GODDAMN IT!!
My wife said that we need to have a talk after my 2 year old goes down for a nap so I filled her sippy cup with Red Bull.
Does this dress make me look cat?
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GOD: I gave you my son.
MAN: You mean your only son?
GOD (thinking about his other son who dropped out of a visual & performing arts program to travel and find himself): Yes.
Welcome to your 40s. Your ability to be sneaky will now be hindered by your bones cracking when you walk.
I’m not paranoid but if you’re plotting against me let me know so I can prepare some snacks beforehand.
Are wings and mini tacos okay?
Why is it that every time I set foot in a post office with any sense of urgency at all there’s a guy directly in front of me trying to mail an aardvark to his cousin in Peru or some shit? Never fails.
“My buddy can’t get a date it’s wild”
That sucks. What’s he like?
“He’s in great shape, hits the gym,”
But what’s his personality-
“He makes so much money. He has three Ferraris.”
How’s his personali-
“He wears three gold watches & a gold hat. Why doesn’t he have a gf”
If you think my tweets are strange you should hear the squirrel’s side of the conversation.
… and another thing, who’s responsible for non-virgin olive oil?
WAITRESS: Let me clear this up for you.
ME: Thanks.
WAITRESS: [to my date] He’s not ready for anything serious right now.
Me: She loves me, she loves me not, she loves me, she loves me not, she lov-
Wife: CAN YOU JUST PEEL THE SHRIMP PLEASE
A billion yahoo accounts got hacked, but the most surprising thing is that a billion people had yahoo accounts.
The embarrassing moment when you bring handcuffs to ‘gamenight’ and she brings Monopoly.
Empty out and clean a mace container.
Fill with water
Stare into the eyes of your enemies as you spray your own eyes and never blink
Mario: can I buy you a drink?
Peach: ew get a life
Mario: *eats mushroom* …now?
*At animal group therapy*
Moderator: introduce yourselves please
Fruit bat: I’m a bat that eats fruit …
Honey bear: I’m a bear that eats honey…
Sperm whale: do we have to do this?
All those years of karate training wasted …
I’ve never once had to paint a fence or wax a car ….
“We survived WW2 we can get through Brexit!”
“Gareth you are 41 and have never even gone paintballing what the absolute shit are you talking about”
Thank goodness I’m loud and obnoxious all the time, so my family can’t blame it on the alcohol.
Her: I think I’m going to call it a night.
Me, looking out the window: Yea, I mean that’s what it’s called.
Me trying to fit a 4 finger kitkat in my mouth because I’ve just heard one of the kids approaching
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*doctor administers experimental anti bad joke serum*
how do you feel?
“with my hands”
let’s give it a minute