How did you know I was a member of Al Qaida? Was it my knees? Do I have terrorist’s knees? Oh, the bomb. Not the knees then? That’s good.
You Might Also Like
I like my coffee like I like my slaves.
Free, you racist.
Just Once i’d like to see a Shark wearing a People Tooth Necklace
If I insisted on getting my kids to bed by 7:00 every night, I’d have to start their bedtime routine just after breakfast.
I’m scared of buying an iPhone X cos there’s a chance mine might get swapped with Brad Pitt’s and since we look 100% alike he can unlock it
do my glasses go over or under a balaclava i want to rob this bank just right.
The first thing I’m going to do when I’m rich is buy an airline flight for everyone who works at the DMV and then delay the flight forever.
I’m impressed by girls who paint their eyebrows on. How do you pick one facial expression for the whole day? Like what if you find a penny?
Date: Are you winking or blinking?
Cyclops: I do not know.
“What’s your name?”
“Sharky.”
“Is that your real name?”
“Does it matter?”
“I guess not.”
*hands me my order*
me as a kidnapper sending my second ransom letter when I haven’t gotten a response yet to my first one: hi all! just following up
If you ever really want someone to call back, leave them a message saying, “I’ve got tickets to…” and hang up
mario: I hate you
wario: and I hate you
mario:
wario:
mario: do you wanna play tennis
wario: lmao hell yeah
DOCTOR: Push again, the baby is-
MOTHER: IS SOMETHING WRONG?
DOCTOR: [holding phone] No, I just caught a Jigglypuff up in there.
*wakes up early on weekend
*makes 12 pancakes
*wakes kids up“Daddy, can we have waffles today???”
*eats 12 pancakes
CW: It’s 11:11 make a wish.
Me: I wish I could throw a clock at your face.
My friends have canceled our lunch plans 3 days in a row …. I’m starting to think they really don’t like lunch.
“Disney movies promote false images of the friendliness of woodland creatures,” I mutter after each rabies shot.
having a bad day today. 😔 can everyone please send cute pictures of their banking app login info.
[garden]
tomato plant: how’s your summer?
pepper plant: oh not bad, kinda small peppers this year
tomato plant: hang in there, i’m sur-
ZUCCHINI PLANT: I DOMINATE YOUR SKIES WITH MY FOLIAGE. MY MASSIVE FRUIT CONSUMES YOUR TERRITORY. MY YELLOW FLOWERS WILL BE AT YOUR FUNERAL.
He always wanted a surprise gift wrapped up in a big red bow.
*carefully arranges shiny red ribbon around a wriggling porcupine*
WELL, THEY NEED TO WALK A BIT QUICKER THEN, DON’T THEY?
[on a first date]
Her: …
Me: …EMT: So, whose idea was it to go ice skating?
If I got arrested I’d ask for one tweet instead of a phone call because none of my friends answer their goddamn phones.
I think the worst thing I would wish on an enemy is that their closet rod is too heavy and crashes off the wall in the middle of the night
Can’t. Busy deleting 1,500 Black Friday emails from companies I haven’t purchased anything from in 10 years.
My toxic trait is that I answer “spam likely” calls, because maybe I can fix them.
I don’t want flying cars, I want the ability to start again from my last save point
I think my husband is beginning to suspect
You gotta love a man with a dog’s name and a dog with a man’s name.
“Hi, I’m Cody and this is my dog Steve.”