a realtor showing you an absolutely unusable space in a house: how cool is that?
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As an adult you should already know shit like if you’re standing in the rain you should wear a rain coat and if you’re standing in a trench, you should wear a trench coat
Swim up bars combine my two favorite things. Drinking and peeing in hotel pools.
When the lady at the hardware store pointed down and told me my caulk was hanging out, I nearly had a heart attack!
One time, a guy flirtatiously asked me what my deepest darkest secret was, and I told him I was working on a shot by shot remake of the first Star Wars film reenacted by my cats called, “A Mew Hope”.
Anyway he didn’t call.
stop saying millennials aren’t having kids. my posts are my children and I’m deeply disappointed in all of them
not a total stranger telling me I’d “better find a man before all the good ones are gone,” on the same day Twitter announces a potential dating app. not today, satan
It’s 100% legal to give cops the finger. But remember, it’s also apparently 100% legal for them to shoot and kill you.
My daughter is taking a bath and asking me to bring her Camping Barbie and every time I present a Barbie to her she says “No, CAMPING Barbie.” She is growing frustrated. I don’t know what to do. All of the Barbies are naked.
Instead of telling people to drive safely, tell them you had a dream that they died in a car crash. Then to avoid looking crazy, say “I don’t believe in those things, so it’s probably nothing, don’t worry.”
They will drive… super carefully.
Just because I have breast implants doesn’t make me a slut. Being a slut makes me a slut.
Are you there, bankrupt business? It’s me, Spirit Halloween.
I’m not saying I don’t like people… but if someone walks toward me in a library, I’ll plug my headphones into the book I’m reading.
Her:
Me: Am I in trouble?
Her:
Me: I’m in trouble.
Her:
Me:Bad?
Her:
Me: Bad
Her:
Me: Toilet seat up bad or wrong name during sex bad?
Her:
Me: Calling a lawyer bad?!
Her (taking out ear buds): Are you talking to me?
Dogs have a tendency to bark just to hear themselves bark. Reminds me of some people I know.
i smell a pulitzer
Him: I missed a flight once and that plane crashed
Me: *nodding* Yeah, I bought cashews once and didn’t notice they were unsalted until just before I paid
Dance like you’re not the father
There are probably millions of songs in existence.
radio stations: what if we only played these same 5 ones though?
*burger king manager pulls me aside on my first day working there* when they say hold the pickle you don’t have to physically hold it
My boyfriend’s really happy we can meet up again now lockdown’s over
My husband not so much so
My family can’t decide what kind of Lab to get (Chocolate, Yellow, Black, etc.) so we drew straws.
I won, so we’re getting a Meth.
“This cereal tastes nothing like Pebbles.”
~Bamm Bamm
this mf tried to spell arrangatangs with an o
Never bring a bag of cement to a pillow fight.
Unless you want to win.
I’d rather drop a baby than my iPhone…. I mean I can make another baby, but I have no clue how to make an iPhone.
[3am – a knock on the door]
me: jfc do u know what time it is?
salesman: *pulls out a box* cheesecake time
me: *considers intensely* come in
Got so drunk last night that I was able to translate three Pearl Jam albums into English
wife: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i speak so quietly?
wife: well you could at least say something
Finally watching Michael Bay’s TMNT. Best part so far is a dude answering a Skype call and yelling “How did you get this number?!?”
Parenting Hack: slide a little cash your kid’s teacher’s way, & all of his crafts projects will “mysteriously” disappear after being graded.