a realtor showing you an absolutely unusable space in a house: how cool is that?
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“you have to sleep when the baby sleeps” but that’s when i go through the baby’s phone ???
What idiot called it “Fox News” and not “white whine”?
Star Wars (1977, PG) a group of terrorists enlist the aid of a drug smuggler and a religious fanatic to bomb the seat of governmental power.
7-year-old: You got a letter!
Me: It’s a bill. I owe money.
7: Not if you throw it away.
She’s my financial planner now.
Don’t get too excited when someone says “and Bob’s your uncle”. It’s just a figure of speech
Hugging helps break the tension with strangers in elevators.
Men who claim to only watch the #SuperBowl for the ads are the same ones who say they only read Playboy for the articles.
papa cloud: alright little fella, no more diapers
little cloud: *tinkling over desert*
papa: no no no! rainforest, buddy, rainforest!!
They should make a moral fiber supplement
Watching the Olympics.
Me: HOLY SHIT THAT WAS AMAZING! GOLD MEDAL!
Announcer: Ohhh! Not a good performance, those scores will not be pretty.
I grilled a chicken for two hours.
It still wouldn’t tell me why it crossed the road…
Wife: So you write tweets about us?
Me: Sometimes
Wife: Do you embellish them to make them interesting?
Dwayne Johnson: I bet he does
Me: Stay out of this, The Rock
you: let’s get this bread
j.d. salinger, an intellectual: let’s catch this rye
I really had high hopes for this year though
On the phone with my therapist and she is clearly going through the McDonalds drive through 😓
Betty White improvising on the spot while Bea Arthur and Rue McClanahan crack up laughing is the only thing you need to watch today.
That awkward moment when you run into your old pizza guy and you’re with your new much younger pizza guy.
“I’m gonna find whoever stole the wheels off my car”, I said tirelessly
me: sorry if I’m bothering you
lifeguard pulling me to shore: what
My twins’ pre school taught them both how to sing Baby Shark in French so I’m just checking do I sue for double the amount or…
God: Let’s give them the ability to feel remorse.
Satan: I like that. Say, from 2:00 – 4:00 AM?
I’m drinking espresso until I find how many it takes to vibrate my molecules fast enough that I can pass through walls. So far it’s not seventeen and I’m running out of Band-Aids
I thought there had to be another explanation for why they disappear but a repairman just took apart my washer machine AND IT WAS FULL OF LOOSE SOCKS
The sentence, “The quick brown fox jumps over a lazy dog.” uses every letter of the alphabet and is also very judgmental about the dog.
Don’t perform CPR because you never know when a giant alien spider is dressed in a human suit.
Dang girl are you a New Year’s Resolution? cuz I’d never keep you, I just made you up & you really never actually existed in the first place
mom: what’d you do today?
christopher robin: the pantsless bear in crop top needed my help cuz he got covered in honey and stuck in a hole
mom: …okay maybe no more going to the woods alone for awhile.
‘Just Do It (Yourself)’
NIKEA
bro: she stressing u out g??
me:
