Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I admire my upstairs neighbours’ commitment to cleanliness as they fire up their diesel-powered vacuum to clean their hardwood floors at 11:43 pm

It should be a rule that if you’re going to put you kid on a leash, you can’t be mad if someone walks up, asks if they bite, and pets them

I would make a terrible Buddhist because I kill a lot of ants and drifters

I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.

My kid dropped his apple slices and I asked if he wanted me to help him pick up, he said “no thank you, you can do it by yourself”

Me: [covered in chocolate, miniaturized, turning into a blueberry, stumbling out of an incinerator, and floating away] I’ll take the job

Willy Wonka:

“In just 4 years, you can get a 4 year degree!”

Yes, “university” commercial–that math checks out.

airline: will you be checking your bags, sir

me: again? I did that three times at home

*husband comes outside*
“What are all the neighbors out here laughing about?”
*sees me trying to skateboard to the mailbox*

My kid asking me to put on some terrible youtube channel

Non violent offenders should be given community service & bangs

The worst fight I’ve ever been in is with Clingwrap.

Don’t worry about the people that drink Coke or Pepsi, worry about the ones that say “I’m fine with either”

[girl interrupting my sexting] please eat the potato salad with your mouth closed

Liquidity is the only difference between soup, stew and a casserole. There, I said it.

Being a parent is hard work, but it’ll all be worth it when I need donors for a new liver.

psycho uses a TON of central framing and its making me so mad because you just KNOW that alfred hitchc*ck was doing it for the sake of tik tok video clips

No, autocorrect, switching “generics” to “gerbils” in the message I sent to my doctor without proofreading first was actually extremely helpful, thank you for that.

Well, that’s disappointing. I called every crematorium in the state, and they all only do dead people.

I know it’s impossible to keep kids from screaming when they play outside but I wish there was some way to teach them the difference between “WE ARE HAVING A FUN GAME!” Screaming and “WE ARE BEING BRUTALLY MURDERED!” Screaming

Your house doesn’t have to be fancy like Graceland or Monticello for it to have a name. I named mine Fred

If we spell Jeff as Geoff then why not

– Geosh
– Georemy
– Geonathan
– Geonnifer
– Geacob
– Jreg

[on phone]

Of course I trust you, babe. Always.

*searches Amazon for mini spycams with 1-day shipping*

Kids make friends in 5 seconds, adults make friends in 5 drinks.

Noah

Really looking forward to the day my 14yo daughter starts speaking English again.

Scrambled eggs are like regular eggs but their reception is terrible

My fridge is a veritable cornucopia of leftovers. I am not grateful for this cornucopia. My cornucopia is beginning to grow stuff.

He obviously thinks I’m some kind of maritime explorer, like calm down Magellan

If by “social butterfly” you mean I will take off when you come near me, then yep.