A recent medical study shows that women who carry a little extra weight generally live longer than the men in their lives who mention it.
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you’re opening a chip bag and it goes great except for a tiny tear and it seems fine but then the rip starts to get bigger and you’re worried you won’t be able to seal the bag and it keeps going and the entire bag is split open and it continues until the earth fully bifurcates
MISSING: 5 year old
LAST SEEN: Moments after I said, “Bath time.”
DESCRIPTION: Naked, sporting 20-23 Spider-Man band-aids
*Chicken strips*
Me: *blushes*
If you’ve never seen someone do karate in white leather pants…then buckle up baby, because I’m about two wine coolers away from making your dreams come true.
What’s that? Been thinking about us having another kid? Hold on, honey.
*calls son into room
Check it out, he glued a football to his head
i hate when my friend starts dating an idiot and i have to be like how could you bring this man into our lives
If you were thinking of having kids, just know my 5 yr old daughter is upset and crying because her 3 yr old sister likes the same color as her.
If my girlfriend doesn’t start being nicer to me, I’m totally gonna bottle up my rage and stay in this shitty relationship for 2 more years.
Wife: hey take me out tonight.
Me: can it wait till tomorrow?
Wife: why?
Me: because tonight’s not garbage night, tomorrow is
for all you non-native English speakers out there
“read” is pronounced like “lead”
and
“read” is pronounced like “lead”
That’s it. I’m printing my mom a hard copy of Urban Dictionary for Christmas this year.
captain: is there a doctor on this plane?? this man is having a heart attack
me: i have a BA in english
guy having a heart attack: that’s brutal, hang in there
Are you a cat person or a person person?
feb 14: i love everything about u
feb 15: don’t breathe like that
If Bats in Australia are THIS big, I’d hate to see the size of their Vampires
I’m no fan of watching a train wreck, unless that train is pulling boxcars full of delicious delicious Raisin Bran®️
me: [sneaking out of a funeral] this is DEAD boring lol
mourner: [whispering] hey where’s the priest going
tornados are just a bunch of ghosts fighting over a cow.
her: does an apple a day really keep the doctor away
me: *flicks cigarette butt* u ever seen a horse at the ER Karen
4 was mean to his brother so I read him a story about an unkind crab who becomes stuck in a trap. 4 asked, “Did this happen because the crab was mean?”
Sensing a good opportunity, I shut the book and said, “Yes. And they ate him. The end.”
Sleep well tonight, kid.
Doctors recommend that you drink 8 glasses of water a day and don’t fall out of a helicopter
As I’m moonwalking away, they didn’t even notice I had stolen a brownie.
Dr, “So you should continue to eat right, exercise, and get enough sleep.”
Me, “Continue?”
As I find myself in yet another room without remembering why, it’s apparent my wisdom teeth are doing nothing for me.
JESUS: *descends from heaven* HELLO-
ME: question
JESUS: I-
ME: do the cars from the movie Cars have sex?
JESUS: *ascends back into heaven*
According to my neighbor’s rooster, it’s 5am now.
Also according to my neighbor’s rooster, we’re having fried chicken for dinner tomorrow.
I just saw a poster that said “have you seen this man?” With a number to call… So I called the number and told them “No.”
wife: Can’t we just buy a bigger catflap?
me: [buttering the cat] We’re not made of money, Karen
3yo: Wipe me!
Me: What did you do?
3: Only pee and poop.
Me: [wondering in terror what the other options are]