Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I hope we get the slow walking zombies because that’s definitely more the type of apocalypse I’ve been training for

I wish I could get the hell out of here and move to New Zealand. A Hobbit hole in Bag End would be nice right about now.

You ever go to a baseball game and hear a guy yelling, “hotdogs! hotdogs!” over and over again?

That’s me, looking for hotdogs.

I’m not buying a coffee table until I finish walking around the furniture store barefoot kicking legs to see which hurts the least.

Everybody please go potty because after we rob this bank we’re not gonna stop again for a while

A hug and slap are both powerful but not everyone deserves a hug.

Guys, please stop wearing Nasa shirts, I bet you can’t even name one of their songs

Dads will be like “I don’t cry” but then get misty-eyed thinking about how beautifully they backed into a parking spot

God making jellyfish: Let’s make this amazingly colored umbrella-shaped bell with trailing tentacles that glow in the dark
Jellyfish: But why am I not shaped like a star? The starfish looks so much cooler.
God: And we’ll name it jelly

*Sees girl trying to reach soup on top shelf*
“Here let me get that” I say [Beacuse I’m much taller]
*I put the soup in my cart & walk away*

Me: Don’t you talk to me like you are paying me for what I do
Boss:
Boss: But I am paying you for what you do!
Me: What did I just say!!

gordon ramsay: we need you to make a twist on an american classic

me [boiling hotdog in baja blast mountain dew]: yes chef

I don’t think the milf next door watches enough porn. She asked for help with her sink. It’s been 20 minutes, we’re still fixing the sink.

Good news everyone, the priest who took my confession is expected to make a full recovery

October 31

The Duolingo owl and the Hooters owl are brothers. One chose the path of knowledge. The other, the path of jumbo bazoingas, short shorts and chicken wings. An unbridgeable schism. A tale as old as time.

Guess who just won the laser tag tournament at the senior center AGAIN

I hate when you get all excited bc someone says they had a dream about you and then you find out you were just there holding a clipboard

“Only God can judge me”

People who’ve never been to
Whole Foods.

I ate the whole box of slim fast bars. So excited about how skinny I’ll be when I wake up tomorrow.

Cop: this whole crime scene is fishy

Cat Detective: *flashing badge* ok i’ll take it from here

9: Mom, why are all those girls standing on their tiptoes?

Me: Because they’re ballet dancers

9: Why didn’t they just get taller girls?

Someone hacked into my dominos account and redeemed my free pizza

I’d like to think that my exes see me as “the one who got away,” but it’s probably more like “the one who got away from the police.”

Mafia Boss: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes

Fishes: we’re not sleeping with this nerd

Me: um technically the plural is *fish*

Anonymously I asked kids (aged 6) to write new years resolutions. Here are some favorites…
“Eat more butter”
“Build a mud hut”
“Learn to drive”
“Try my hardest at everything but not maths”
“Make a new language”
“Invent Google”

I’m open to change but not when it’s sudden like Stephen Colbert getting new glasses with no warning

Love when a cop car pulls up alongside of me and I start thinking of every bad thing I’ve ever done.

I’ve never seen a workplace Hanukkah display that didn’t shout, “We legally had to do this.”

Rappers: we gonna see you in the club! Get down in the club! Party in the club!

Me: ok cool can’t wait
[is too embarrassed to ask ‘but which club though’]