Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’ve started dating myself exclusively but it’s not working out

Hello, my name is Pierre.

When tragedy strikes your community, McDonald’s will still be there to take your money.

Somehow names of kids have gotten more outrageous and names of pets have gotten way more normal. If my wife texts “Kyle was a problem today” I shouldn’t have to wonder if it’s another kid from preschool or my neighbor’s cat.

hate those people that go 15+ years without talking to you and then the first thing they say when they see you is “hows your mom?” like, dude,, youre my dad, you should know

Stretching and yawning at the same time might not look so sexy but it looks like you’re a Pokemon evolving so that’s cool.

I just explained the concept of a nail gun to my 4 year old and honestly he’s never been this interested in anything I’ve had to say.

[hanging out in my basement]

Wife: You know, this room could really use more natural light.

Me: Help yourself. There’s plenty in the fridge.

Watching “Poltergeist” as a kid was scary af.

Adult me: Is all that covered under homeowners?

I don’t think AI should be used to make content…BUT…if there were a way for the paw patrol to tell my son by name that if he doesn’t go to bed they will arrest him…

An egg looks at another egg and says:

“Why are you so hairy?”

“Shut up, I’m a kiwi!”

#RubbishJokes #TuesdayVibe

I’m just a girl

Hiding under a bed

Hoping his wife leaves soon

Again

*learns about complementary colors*

in my head:

red: that shirt looks so nice on you!
green: thanks! your shoes are perfect!
blue: screw you guys

I’m trying to eat healthily but there’s still so much cheese in the fridge. And it’s illegal to throw cheese away. Not sure what to do.

I guess I’m going to have to eat the cheese.

Yes. I am now actively eating the cheese.

BRB gotta call my immigrant parents they can’t dogsit anymore

when serial killers go for a run do they take the psycho path

TWITTER: something just isn’t clicking here
HORDE OF RACIST EGGS: [cacophony of immoral filth]
TWITTER: eliminate the looping video service

“I drive like lightening.” “You drive fast?” “No. I hit trees.”

Prometheus? I never even heard of Amaturemetheus.

*takes chip clip off Funyuns bag*
*bites into Funyun, discovers it’s stale*
*throws chip clip across room*
“You had one job”!

[waxing salon]

ME: I need to make a waxing appointment.

ASSOCIATE: You want a Brazilian?

ME: No, I don’t need that many.

One way to tell if a man is good in bed is to watch him dance. Another good way is to have sex with him.

ME: do you like it better when I part it down the middle or when I tease it out with styling mousse

HER: how about we just shave your back instead

boss: [asks me to do something]
me: [wonders how beyonce would do it]
boss: STOP WONDERING ABOUT HOW BEYONCE WOULD DO IT

*appears in puff of smoke at a public pool*
“Warning, what you’re about to see may shock you!”
Hey! What are y-
*touches live wire to water*

Sorry I fell in love when you did your flailing arms dance

How come Yoko Ono didn’t marry someone from Nickleback instead?

I told my therapist I was upset she raised her rates again and she said that while I can’t control the situation, I can do something to control my reaction.

Usually I have to go faster than 30 for that to happen

My father used to locate and deactivate land mines for a living. I wish to follow in his footsteps. His EXACT footsteps.