A recent study by UN has found dexter to be the no 1 cause for ocean pollution
You Might Also Like
Today I learned that when getting a pedicure with your wife, don’t tell the salon girl “thanks for the amazing toe job”.
12 yr. old daughter: My friend Samantha said she thinks you’re handsome.
Me: Aww. That’s cute. How about her mom? Has she said anything?
[War in Heaven]
Lucifer: You must choose a side.
Me: Can I get Mac n’ Cheese?
“Sooth.”
-a soothsayer
(getting into a hot tub full of people) i guess we’re making some people soup huh gang
ME: [gets into a car accident]
EMT: Sir, please step out of the vehicle, we’re trying to save lives
*how fights start*
me (doing crossword): what’s a 7 letter word for evident
him: it’s obvious
me: if it was that obvious, I wouldn’t be asking would I
Medusa: so do you have any QUITE LARGE HATS in there
sales assistant: [suspicious] why are you outside the shop shouting
Therapist: Where do you see this going?
Me: Drinking and talking to the bartender instead of you.
I can’t get enough of these Labor Day Sales, you guys! I bought 25 mattresses!
Yes indeed, I am a morning person. Morning naps are my favorite
i know someone who thought the chorus to gangnam style was “open condom style”
[Invention of the universal remote]
“This changes everything.”
When zombies find campers in sleeping bags, I bet they think “mmm, people burritos.”
[Google search history]
Moles
How to kill moles
How to make homemade bombs
Rescue moles from cave-in
Dealing with regret
Mole stew
ME: wanna sing a Christmas carol?
KIDS: YES!
ME: then go outside
Me: That guy is a bad apple.
6-year-old: He’s a person.
Me: I just meant he’s mean.
6: Probably because you called him an apple.
19 is making brownies.
Puts brownies in the oven and goes up to his bedroom.Now I have to set the house on fire to teach him a lesson.
Haha is there a Mr-demeanor?
*Judge bangs his gavel*
“ORDER!”
So’s there an ordHIM?!
“Oh for the lov- GUILTY!”
…
Does this Guilt have a sist
A drivers license is basically just a selfie with way too much info.
The existence of Kylo Ren implies the existence of Kylo Stimpy.
[Jeopardy]
Disease for $500 Alex
“Dysentery, Typhoid, Bubonic Plague, Dengue Fever”
What’s better than catching a man cold?
“Correct!”
GAME TRAILER: “Enter a world beyond belief…”
ME: “Yes”
GAME TRAILER: “An adventure like never before…”
ME: “YES”
GAME TRAILER: “Join your friends online”
ME: “I’m out”
Tom Cruise does all of his own stunts because death is the only way out of the Church of Scientology.
whenever i see babies crying in movies, i feel so bad. but then i remember it’s just pretend. they’re acting. they’re professionals. they know what they’re doing
[SEXTING]
ME: tell me what you likeHER: I really get off on exhibitionism
ME: OK, cool, weird that museums turn you on but cool
Saw a friend I haven’t seen in over 20 years tonight. She asked if I had any pics of my kids. You don’t realize how many pics of Harry Styles, Louis Tomlinson & dogs you have until someone is hovering over you. The scrolling I had to do to get to pics of my real children. 🤦🏼♀️
*Girl opens Xmas present*
“Why’d you get me carrots and lettuce?”
“Wait but that means-”
*Hamster at home wearing glorious diamond earrings*
Me: When a door closes a window opens.
All dads: Close that damn window! I’m not trying to air condition the whole damn county! And turn off that light while you’re at it.