A recent study by UN has found dexter to be the no 1 cause for ocean pollution
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Laverne, at age 11, has learned that she can nip people to get their attention. It’s cool that she can still learn new things but why are these things never “being nice”
I bet i could still be a stuntman
[Breaks a hip getting off the couch]
Okay maybe not
I sent my boyfriend a picture of my taco. Yeah, he was disappointed that wasn’t a euphemism as well.
I’m an asshole, but not “jogs in place at intersections, waiting for the light to change,” asshole.
This is what makes twitter great
What idiot called it Airport Facilities Maintenance and not Hangar Management?
When I’m inevitably murdered, my loved ones won’t say I always lit up a room, but instead “She kinda deserved it” and “I’m honestly surprised this didn’t happen sooner”
Her: You enjoy silently judging everyone, don’t you.
Me: Silently? No.
So the US is to send 3000 troops to help combat ebola.
Does anyone else get the feeling they don’t know what ebola is?
good cop: don’t make me get the bad cop in here
bad cop: [pulling on the push door] almost got it
good cop: god he is so bad at everything
Never mind a Roomba, I need a robot garbage can that will follow my kids around the house all day.
Mom: So, do you have someone special in your life?
Me: Define “someone”
Mom: You know, a boyfriend.
Me: Define “boyfriend”
I think they’ve made more Kung-Fu Panda movies in the last 20 years than they’ve made actual pandas
[petting zoo]
ME: *still petting the penguin*
DANNY DEVITO: There’s other people in line, you know.
THERAPIST: Ever had a job?
ME: I once worked at a zoo
T: Great! & what did you take from that?
ME: Definitely not a penguin
T: What
M: What
“You made your bed now lay in it” doesn’t really sound like a punishment to me. I love laying in a freshly made bed.
And other 5am thoughts
My neck, my back, my…
governor said not to attend any gatherings w/ more than 10 people so I guess I’m still on for the smashmouth concert
You know what else is crazy?
*googles synonyms for crazy*
10 likes this girl so I’m going to teach him everything I know about women long story short we’re getting our bikes to ride around her house
Me as a lawyer:
-my lord, my client doesn’t do jail
If you really think about it, extraordinary isn’t that great. It’s just an extra helping of ordinary.
I’m implementing a new policy in my house: any child who is awake past bedtime can either go to sleep or clean the oven, no exceptions
If you see a baby locked in a car break the window and put another baby in there, he’s probably lonely.
I haven’t been to France, but I saw Ratatouille, so I get it
Forgetting how to clean the dishes and shooting them with a gun
airports should have little side-quests available for ppl stuck in a layover
This will never not be funny to me.
Accidentally drew my eyebrows on too dark and thick and now I live on Sesame Street with Ernie.
A tinder type app, but it matches you with sandwiches in the area.