A recent study by UN has found dexter to be the no 1 cause for ocean pollution
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A Citizen’s Arrest for the next person who asks me if I’m ready for Christmas.
I wish companies would use pictures of models looking frazzled and exhausted on their websites so I can get a real idea of what their clothes will look like on me
[Commercial for Legos]
Have you ever cursed in front of your kids? Want to?
“does this spark joy?” but with phone contacts.
I thought secret rooms would play a bigger role in my adult life. Like the kind of room you access by pulling a book on a shelf or pressing a certain stone on a wall or pulling on a sconce. Also where are all the trap doors?
Hostage negotiator: I don’t quite get your demands.
You never feel as old as when you’re scrolling down to find your birth year
Me: Can I interest you in a nightcap?
Her: *blushing* sure
Me: What’s your hat size?
Pizzas make terrible but delicious gym towels
Me and be Jealous?… HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA … Who is McDonald’s and why are you ‘lovin it’?
Apparently cat did not get memo on time change. He’s been using my face as a trampoline, trying to wake me up for the last hour. 😐
“I’ll catch up with you, I just have to make ONE more joke on Twitter” (How I’d die in a horror movie)
Farmer: Netflix and till
Moonshiner: Netflix and still
Estate planner: Netflix and will
Dentist: Netflix and drill
Attorney: Netflix and bill
Mountaineer: Netflix and hill
Doctor: Netflix and ill
Pharmacist: Netflix and pill
Jack: Netflix and Jill
[talking to family after emergency surgery]
Your positive energy saved my lifeSurgeon: *waves hand* umm hello
One day my GPS is gonna say, “You should know this one by now” and shut off.
The Never Ending Story should’ve been a movie about a phone call from my Mother
How many push-ups is too many when meeting your girlfriend’s dad for the first time?
“No, Mr. Bond, I expect you to dye.” Auric Goldfinger giving instructions at his Easter egg decorating party.
wife: can you stop messing around
lawyer: im not
wife: just read my husband’s will please
lawyer: that’s what it says.. “oOoOoh im a ghost”
The most difficult part about taking a personality test is deciding which personality should take it.
Just walked to the mailbox and the neighbor drove his riding mower into a ditch. I would’ve helped him out, but I wasn’t wearing pants.
Patron approaches the reference desk.
“Does the library have COVID tests?”
“Yes.”
“Do you have masks for the public?”
“Yes.”
“Do you have gloves?”
“Yes. My turn: do you have COVID?”
“Yes.”
“Well good I’m glad we’re both bringing something to this exchange.”
Me: Pork chops, in a sherried cream sauce, with roasted garlic and dried chanterelles.
Her: So cream of mushroom soup.
Me: Basically
Fox Mulder, age 6: *looks under pillow* MOM! IT DISAPPEARED!
Mom: the Tooth Fairy took it, dear
Fox: you mean… the tooth is out there?
Me: Hello darkness, my old friend
Darkness: *rolls eyes*
Me: don’t do it
Brain: GONNA DO IT
Me: I’m driving
Brain: HERE IT COMES
Me: there’s oncoming traffic
Brain: REALLY WELLING UP NOW
Me: you’re going to kill us both
Brain: DO THE WEIRD FACE FIRST
Me: *pre sneeze face*
Brain: THIS AMUSES ME
I’m at BJs if anyone needs 500 tampons, a vat of mayonnaise, or a gazebo hmu.
It’s “Bring Your Kids To Work Day” and all my cats are fighting in the break room.
Her: How do you do it w/ 4 kids?
Hubs: With the door locked.
Me: She means how do we manage…but yeah.
I can be very helpful at the store, a lady had the fixings for pasta in her cart so I threw in some garlic bread because I knew she’d forgotten, I mean what psycho doesn’t eat garlic bread with pasta.
I put my baby on the baby changing station in the bathroom and when I was done, it was the same baby. 🙁