I’m at my sexiest when I try to run in flip flops in the rain.
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Maybe it’s time for a second child. The first one isn’t getting as many likes on Facebook now.
Online recipes have finally added a jump to the recipe button. Now if blogs could add a jump to the point button, life would be golden.
If you want to flirt with babes, just use cereal slogans like “You look magically delicious” or “I wanna put 2 scoops of raisins in dat ass”
I would learn how to backflip but i’m saving spinal injuries for after i’m 60
How come no one in the fast and furious movies ever need to get gas?
You say no portion control, I say treating every meal like it’s your last
Waiter: how did u find your meal
Me: *sweating* i…i looked down
Date: I know a lot of dance styles
Me: *trying to impress* Uh me too
Date: Any ballroom?
Me: Yeah, my pants are relaxed fit
Date: What
Me: What
“I’m not sure-”
wife: honey he’s a zookeeper if he says these are koalas I trust him-aww look at them!
*the raccoons hiss from the dumpster*
Uber, but for someone coming to your house and opening jars when you’re mad at your spouse.
My glasses are dirty but I don’t want to move from the couch so I guess TV’s blurry from now on
Pregnancy test commercials would be a lot more relatable if the women in them cursed and cried.
NYT: Yes Sauron Can Be Quite Aggressive But Consider Hobbits Who Go Around Throwing People’s Jewelry Into Lava Pits
Thank god it‘s friday. Only 40 more years of working.
Every Father’s Day I think about the time I jokingly asked my 4 year-old daughter if she was going to get me a “World’s Best Dad” mug. “Nope,” she said gravely. “I haven’t met all the dads in the world.”
BREAKING NEWS: Man gets out of offending people by saying “present company excluded of course” after highly offensive statement
[coming out of my bunker after the apocalypse happened]
friend: holly shit. everything is gone
me: i’m gonna try out for the nba
friend: what
me: i think i can make it now. do u think they’re still doin it
Shoutout to my upstairs neighbours for finding a loophole in the ‘no elephants’ clause in their lease
Who knew!
“LEEEEET’S GET READY TO TUUUUUUMBLE!!!”
-wet laundry
Going to the place where all the good snacks are: The Gas Station
Baby sharks can hunt for food as soon as they are born and my children cannot find their underwear drawer.
a bug flew in my mouth today and that’s probably the healthiest thing I’ve eaten all week
i love banana bread you just buy a bunch of bananas and then ignore them for a while and finally you’re like ok u will be bread now
So many flashing lights and alarms on the new refrigerator. I think it might be a first responder.
Thanks to my wife, I now know a car can go 21,462 miles without an oil change before something horrible happens.
My husband talked me into cutting his hair and he thinks I did an amazing job.
Apparently it hasn’t occurred to him to take a look at the back.
My doctor told me to get my affairs in order. So line up guys, let’s get you numbered.
I blame movies for giving me unrealistic expectations about how long I can look away from the road while driving.
If I was a witch I would cast vague and subtle spells. So and so never gets to see a rainbow again. That type of stuff.