People often argue the great realism painters of our day and somehow leave out Wile E. Coyote, and his tunnel on rock phase.
You Might Also Like
I just saw a girl at the gas pumps with a T-shirt that read :
Hugh Janus
And now i can’t stop laughing
God making women: make them sexy and sophisticated but also confusing to operate.
Angel: soooo like an espresso machine?
I hate to choose sides, but if forced, I’ll aggressively side with the person paying my bar tab.
I got arrested for punching a mime and the judge sentenced me to six months of community theater
My Dr. told me about a new med he wanted me to try and offered that there are some sexual side effects to which I replied “yeah I don’t do that!” instead of nodding quietly like a normal human.
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
Like grandpa always said, ‘If you kids don’t stop retweeting yourself, you’ll go blind.’
“This certificate shows i named a star after you.”
“Thank you, I also got you nothing.”
Gemini: You may find yourself wondering if you’re dreaming or not. A simple test is to punch a cop in the face.
Me: [*Drinks water]
My Liver: New liquid, who dis?
Me: *struggling to focus on my yoga pose*
Cockroach: *crawls out of my yoga mat toward the instructor*
In Michelin star restaurants, Sloppy Joes are called Untidy Josephs.
If a company’s hiring sign says, “Come grow with us,” you’re about to do the work of 3-5 people.
When can I start eating bats again.
“Failure is how you grow.”
– my bathroom scale, picking the wrong motivational quote
HBO’s Cookie Monster is much darker
when i read a tweet that ends with “thanks for coming to my ted talk” i get excited and look around to check whether im truly at a tedx conference. usually im being played for a fool and im just under a car again
when i see a tiny dog carrying a really big stick
PRIEST: Does anyone know why these two should not be married?
ME: *from back* SHE PRONOUNCES IT ‘SUPPOSABLY’
*priest slowly backs away*
With the amount of hairs falling out of my head daily, it’s amazing I haven’t been implicated in any local crime scenes.
I don’t need my father to tell me he’s proud of me, I need Muldoon from Jurassic Park to call me a clever girl when I sneak up on him in a jungle.
On average, a person has sex 86 times a year. Apparently, this is going to be one hell of a week.
I built a tricycle pram tonight
*adds bike mechanic to the resume*
[Andes’ plane crash survivors diary]
Day 1: Gary’s cheering us up telling jokes
Day 2: Same jokes
Day 4: We all hate Gary
Day 6: We ate Gary
If you don’t open your mouth while putting on mascara, you die.
When I die, I want my ashes loaded in a howitzer and shot at a target. That way, when it misses and smashes a storefront, everyone will be like “yup, that’s Dean”
Why do I “need” an assault rifle? Why did Rosa Parks “need” to sit in the front of the bus? Because Merica, that’s why.
Autocorrect changed ‘lover’ to ‘liver’ and that’s ok because I need one of those too.
“Your mission… Should you chose to accept it…”
*Go to a bar you Hate
*Put $50 in the Jukebox
*Play nothing but Nickelback
*Leave