Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[at work the day after wishing my life was more like a video game]
“morning brent”
morning diane *accidentally jumps instead of sitting down*

Sorry I told you that you should probably take down your Halloween profile picture when you had already put your normal picture up days ago.

My husband saw a rabbit in our yard eating grass and said “That would be like sitting in a field of french fries.”

You can literally take anything from anyone as long as you shout “police emergency” and run away

[In a warehouse]
Murderer: I’m gonna get you!

Me: *echoing from hidden location* Hi, “gonna get you”, I’m Dad!

Murderer: What the… where are you?

Me: Did you look under there?

Murderer: Under whe-Hey!

Me: *whispering* Super lame murderer says What.

Murder: What- Damn it!

[job interview]

“So do you have any questions you’d like to ask me?”

Can I wait a week until I take the drug test?

me: i hate walking into a room and forgetting why i’m here.. lmao

executioner: just sit in the chair

ok, now say it again so my wife hears
“you’re too big for this ride, sir”

How much for the vacation home?

Sir, this is a coffin.

How many times does it have to be aliens before Scully believes? How many times does it have to be a guy in a mask before Shaggy doesn’t?

Nicholson: You want answers?!

Cruise: I want the truth!!

Nicholson: YOU CAN’T HANDLE THE TRUTH!

Cruise: mmk… how bout a little hint?

I take the Benadryl to fight the allergies.

I take the coffee to fight the Benadryl.

I take the whiskey to fight the coffee.

I pet the cat because the whiskey makes me forgetful.

The cat gives me the allergies…

♾

*sees cute guy approaching*
Me: *whispers to self* Don’t be weird… don’t be weird…
Him: Hey.
Me: *wombat noises*

“?leef uoy ekam taht did woh dnA”

– reverse psychology

I’m sorry you never experienced someone getting so drunk, kidnapping a chicken and then fighting a stop sign, all in the name of love of you.

Lorde wrote her Grammy nominated album at age 14. My son is 13 and has let the bathtub overflow twice while he was sitting INSIDE of it.

Easy enough.

Jesus must’ve had a fortune if he paid for all my sins

A suspect in the Pearson gold heist has been arrested after flying into Toronto from India. Unfortunately, he flew in with Air Canada so all the evidence on him has been misplaced or damaged.

who wants to come over and snake my drain this weekend?

(this is not a euphemism I am standing in two inches of bathwater)

I heard my cat walking down the hall because his claws are too long. Then I realized I hadn’t taken off his tap shoes since the photo shoot.

If all the prison guards agree to count the inmates, it’s a con census consensus.

what if our teeth screamed obscenities at us every time we brushed them?

When I’m texting, I start typing faster when i see you’re typing too. Oh, IT’S ON!! #amazingrace

[office meeting]
BOSS: Printer ink is costing us a ton. Any ideas on how to cut costs?
SQUID: *looks up from phone* Why y’all lookin’ at me?

Given the American diet, don’t you think we’d have greater success locating missing children if we put their faces on liters of soda?

i have faced more peer pressure to drink oat milk than to do drugs

My 5yo: Mommy what are shark cooties.

Me: …. What?

5: Ava said shark cooties are her favorite snack.

Me: …..

Me: CHARCUTERIE. She likes charcuterie.

[last day of creative writing class]

“are u ready to name ur band?”

Dave Matthews: u bet i am

caveman: I’ve invented the wheel!

hamster: finally!!!