A recent study shows that 90% of all adults have a chronic or even fatal disease
The other 10% don’t use Web MD
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The CDC is warning customers to stay away from any form of romaine lettuce.
Deep inside, I always knew that stuff was trouble.
Please don’t bother me while I am playing Tetris*
*taking everything out of my attic and then fitting it all back in
The whole problem with the world is that fools and fanatics are always so certain of themselves, and wiser people so full of intoxicants.
My dog has chewed my resume. This explains the gap, right there
I want my toddler to be independent but I also want this banana peeled before I die.
5yo: [loudly whispers] MOMMY, SEE? WE’RE LETTING YOU AND DADDY SLEEP! AREN’T WE DOING GOOD?
Me: [in bed] Yeah. You’re doing GREAT.
Doctor: You have a disease
Me: Oh no!
Doctor: You can cure it with diet and exercise
Me: Oh no!
Who called it a henhouse attendant …
and not a chicken tender ?
I accidentally relaxed my shoulders at work today and shapeshifted into a doormat.
You can’t stop yourself
If I say this is a haiku
You’ll count syllables
i don’t really care how u met your partner. tell me about how you met your nemesis
Me: Anyone seen my black shoes?
12yo: If you put them away when you took them off, you’d know where they are.
Someone likes to live life dangerously.
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor on this flight?
Dad: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Not asking for a bilingual journalist to help, are they?
Flight attendant: We need a Spanish translator
Me: *puts book down*
My doctor says I need to up my potassium intake and now on top of everything else I need to learn to mine bananas and avocados
A taser but for people who say “it is what it is”.
Guy: How many puppies does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Do you know yet?
Me (in a sea of puppies): No, they haven’t done it. Bring more
I stepped on a plate of wet cat food this morning so no I don’t care about taking off my shoes at the airport
If the only way you can make money with your degree is to become a professor teaching the subject…
Then you have–by definition–joined a pyramid scheme.
my haters are mad they’ll never catch me slippin because of my grippy socks
SPELLING BEE: spell “configurable”
ME: C-O-N-F-I-G-U-R-A-B–
SPELLING BEE: (interupting) yes i am a bee but i fail to see why thats relevant
My insomnia has it’s own toothbrush in my bathroom.
If you broke up with your gf who works at a salad bar you can use the line “lettuce romaine friends” at a low cost of my student loans.
when i hear fat people say that they’ve made mistakes, i always think to myself, “yeaa…at the grocery store.”
Me: *seeing a used condom on my lawn* This is disgusting!
Neighbor: OMG STOP TASTING IT
Pay no attention to the man behind the crouton!
I’m proud to announce that am winning my fight against sobriety.
*door in my house opens on its own*
me: fascinating. there must be quite a temperature differential between these two rooms to create that kind of pressure
the ghost haunting me: (slamming its head through the wall) i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you
Interviewer: So, tell me a little about yourself.
Me: I’m very attracted to you right now.
The therapist said to try deep breathing under water?
Server: What kind of sauce do you want for your pasta?
15: The tears of my enemies…
Kids are fun.