A recent study states that people should only shower every 3-4 days. “Stop being an idiot,” said one wife who lives in my house.
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ME: I like a girl with a bit of ink
OCTOPUS: Oh hey
Any woman with three or more exes in her city could have told Obama how to avoid Putin in Normandy.
ZZ TOP: SHE’S GOT LEGS
ME: *imagining a woman with legs* nice
ZZ TOP: SHE KNOWS HOW TO USE THEM
ME: *imagining a woman walking* NICE
I keep hearing it takes a village to raise a child. Do they just show up or is there a number to call?
It’s been 24 years. I think they can’t find me.
One surefire way to get people to stop self-deprecating is to agree with them.
i wonder if the inventor of rotisserie chicken is turning in his grave
Pizza Hut is going gluten free so while you are dying from a heart attack you can atleast not have gas problems
OPTOMETRIST: Better or worse? Better or worse?
ME: You don’t *have* to talk during sex
When ur friends with white people
I accept CASH APOLOGIES ONLY. Thats why its called ACCOUNTABILITY…it goes into my ACCOUNT
was Jim off killing horses or…
How do I tell my husband I only like him as a friend without it getting weird
[Amphibian Playground]
BULLFROG: look at all u lil toad nerds
TOAD: help! a BULLYfrog!
TEACHER SNAKE: i’ll handle this *eats everyone*
Boss: *swivelling in his chair to greet me as I enter his office* I have a job for you
Me: *sighing* again?
Boss: again
Me: *spins his chair*
Boss: weeeeeeeeeeeeeee
A dating app for angry people- Grumble
My toddler just tried to change the channel with a chicken finger and since I had the remote in my hand I totally let him think it worked.
[picking up a pile of things from one room] cleaning is fun! [throwing it into a room I’m in less] and Easy 🙂
[job interview]
“So do you have any questions you’d like to ask me?”
Can I wait a week until I take the drug test?
Officer: You were speeding.
Me: I am trying to keep up with traffic.
O: There Is no traffic.
M: I am really far behind.
Saw a few feral dads at the grocery today. They’d lost their shopping lists and didn’t have phones. Store staff were attempting to feed them without being bitten.
[date]
Him: Would it bother you to learn that I’m married?
Her: Look, I don’t believe in bigamy.
Him: So size doesn’t matter either? Phew!
“And there was this one time…”
*scuffle scuffle*
*muffled swearing*
*mic drops*Me, giving a wedding toast
Colleague: Quick, the boss is on her way!
Me: That’s weird I swear that I didn’t hear her broomstick!
Told my girlfriend I can’t get mad at her while she’s wearing cowboy boots because it just makes *me* feel stupid so now whenever she knows she messed up all I hear is klip klip kloppity coming down the hallway
“Dude, do you NOT know what a collar on the doorknob means?”
I get fat really quickly for someone who doesn’t want to
If you hear me using my son’s walkie-talkie in Target because I don’t have a phone right now, the polite thing is to take your cart to the next aisle before laughing
I wouldn’t mind being put on hold so much if companies programmed in a jukebox so I could pick the music I listen to while I wait
Treat your woman like a princess. Spice up your relationship & have her kidnapped. Then do mushrooms & swim through the sewers to find her.
*a single grain of pollen enters my nose*
My sinuses: We refuse to work in these hostile and unsafe conditions