A recipe book of “traditional English meals” called ‘we’re getting the bland back together’
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Unable to stop their phones and washing machines from exploding, Samsung announced today they’re changing their name to the ACME Corp.
Who wants to go pull on some push doors with me??
Drama Llama is what they dubbed me in college. Not because of my theatrics, I earned the name by spitting.
not sure why we don’t use this thing more often
35% of all hospital deaths are caused by the attending physician failing to yell “Don’t you die on me!” at the right moment.
I wonder if Mariah Carey knows it’s possible to sing a high note without pointing her finger in the air?
Me: I say it will be $750
Hubs: I say $630
Costco cashier: That’ll be $750.29
Me: Oh ya! I am a Costco genius! Woop woop!
Hubs: Yes, let’s celebrate paying the HIGHER amount
My wife and I play this fun game at home where one of us says, “Could you watch the kids for a minute?” and runs.
This dudes dogs 😁battle cry
Netflix My bladder
🤝
Streaming on demand
Don’t you hate when people add “qualifiers” to compliments like, “you look good for having had kids or “you look good for being 50 yrs old” or my all time favorite “you look good for having been hit by a bus after being struck by lightning when that fuselage fell on your head.”
Them: Tell us something about yourself.
Me:
Morning.
[Restaurant]
Waiter: “Can I box any of this food for you?”
Me: “You can uppercut this piece of chicken.”
Let he who is without sin, get the hell away from me.
IDGAF if you’re black, white, yellow, brown or blue.
Well, I do if you’re blue, I’ll stop and give you CPR if you’re blue.
[courtroom]
JUDGE: “In the case of the State vs Waldo, Jury- how do you find the defendant?”
LEAD JUROR: “…we uh…haven’t yet”
#CatsOnTwitter
Kids got me a t-shirt 2 sizes too small and made me a big breakfast this morning. So yes I now know what it’s like to take off a sports bra
Losing a loved one during the holidays is tough. My dad died during Toyotathon
Nothing prepares you for the day your adult son starts sharing sexual jokes in the family group text.
on average, a shark can swallow up to 7 octopuses every night while it sleeps
Please excuse the state of my house, it will be clean if you can come back in 2053 when all my kids have moved out.
A woof in sheep’s clothing.
Mugger *shows knife*
Crocodile Dundee “No this is a knife”
*pulls out huge knife*
Alanis Morrisette “Hang on”
*sifts through 10,000 spoons*
How am I today? Well it’s officially day four of me arguing in my mind with a person who took my spot in line for party balloons
[first date]
HER: Aww, look at that poor old woman at the table in the corner, sitting all alone.
ME: That’s my mom. She wanted to check you out.
MOM: *shakes head, makes throat-cutting gesture*
ME: Don’t worry. That means she likes you.
Doctor: Do you eat plenty of fruits and vegetables?
Me: *reminiscing about eating a whole chocolate Orange*
Yes, yes I do
