Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My turd eating dog just spit out something I cooked if anyone wants to come to dinner.

Tell the barista your name is Beetlejuice and quietly walk out.

Me to husband: I’m about to cook, but first, can you do that thing I like?

Him: *disables smoke alarm*

For someone so concerned with marriage licenses, God sure was focused on dinosaurs for 180 million years.

Isn’t it time to start naming hurricanes after IKEA furniture.

mom: I’m not your friend I’m your mother!

[20 years later]

mom: why won’t you accept my friend request on FB? I’m your mother

[airplane nose dives]

*turns to kid behind

‘Could you please stop kicking my seat!’

I began writing full time 20 years ago. I’ve sold lots – my tv, my car, my jewellery…

I want “Diet starts tomorrow” written on my tombstone.

Bear attack by generation:

Boomer – kill bear level forest into a mall parking lot

Gen x – climb tree build fort

Gen y – wait for helicopter Gen. x parent to fix it

Gen z – die doing bear makeover for insta

dentist: the guy in the waiting room says your mother is ugly

patient: he doesn’t even know my mom

dentist: maybe you should punch him in the teeth

Forgive me, for I have sinned.

Same time tomorrow?

Greatest “Bad at sex” tweets of 2019

Choose your fighter!

I wonder how many animals we had to ride before we discovered that horses were cool with it.

Person: How do you go to the bathroom?

Me [from my wheelchair]: I drink a lot of fluid and after a few hours, my body tells me it needs to come out.

Paper plates don’t have to go so hard with the marketing. Whimsical floral design? I just need to know microwaveable y/n

Whoa. I guess one dude quit:

Me: Time to relax and get into bed!

The Internet: Wanna read something upsetting first?

Me: Yes, obviously.

just got sacked from my job at a think tank for thinking about aeroplanes

The biggest mystery of our time

i’m eating chili cheese fries past 7 pm like i’m not someone who pulled a back muscle on the toilet reaching for the toilet paper roll.

*Everyone yelling about politics at Thanksgiving dinner*

Me: *taps wine glass* “Quick poll: who wants the last piece of pie before I eat it?”

me: *walking my dog*

her: ah, what’s he called?

my dog: john

Doglike cats are some of the sweetest, most adorable creatures on the planet. Catlike dogs emerged directly from a portal to hell

I hate when idiots are like “Just punch a shark in the nose and he’ll leave.” Yea, just punch a submerged 2 ton killing machine in the nose.

Wait…so I get a million dollars AND I get to punch a baby in the face?

-me when someone asks if I would punch a baby for a million bucks

Why didn’t Dorothy tell the Cowardly Lion about liquid courage?

I don’t need a participation trophy. I don’t want anyone to know that I was here.

Men over 35 are terrible at sharing their momma’s secret recipe for her most requested dish.

And now we wait.

My two-year old twin nephews are the proverbial bundles of energy. And on bath night they’re clean energy.