Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Attention Walmart Shoppers –

There is someone dressed
Appropriately in
Aisle 12

Dracula & other undead people who sleep in coffins must have good abs. They always rise up flat-backed when the casket opens.

Avenge me but only if it’s convenient.

Cow Teacher:
Did you bring up enough for the rest of the class?

Heifer *chewing cud*
No

Teacher: Swallow it again then.

“Is Phil coming tonight?”
“Phil Smith or Phil that has the eyesight of a bird?”
*suddenly a man runs face first into the sliding glass door*

1818 – Rides for miles on horseback to find a newspaper to read by candle light.

2018 – If it takes more than two clicks, I’m not reading it.

It’s so hot today I went to see the ex just for the cold shoulder and icy stare.

I’ve decided to go back to meeting someone the old-fashioned way, through alcohol and poor judgment.

these articles are so helpful. the thing I’ve always found tricky about money is knowing how much I should have

“Are you busy tomorrow?” My dear, that entirely depends on the rest of the information you’re about to give me.

Wanna go out with me?

Make an awkward face for yes.
Name the entire periodic table for no.

Let’s face it, he wouldn’t be as universally loved if his name was Kevin Turkey Bacon.

If you’re feeling a little too good about yourself let your child take a pic of you laying on the couch. Tada! You are now Jaba the Hut.

“don’t try this at home,” i say to a troop of cub scouts as i demonstrate how to escort an elderly person across the street while carrying a mongoose & a cat who hate each other’s guts

Apparently you can’t sell your eggs if you’ve been diagnosed with depression so I guess none of these people want funny kids

Find a penny pick it up and all day long you’ll have an obsolete form of currency in your pocket.

Husband “I thought you were dieting?”

Me “I am”

Husband “You just ate 6 Oreos”

Me “Yes but I want to eat 12. See – Dieting”

It’s not a coincidence that we use the term “committed” to refer to both relationships and a stay at a mental institution

Recipe comment: I didn’t use any of the spices and replaced chicken stock with some liquid I squeezed from an old pillow I found on the highway. 0 stars tastes like shit

*5 people I know walk right past me at the store*

Me: *patting mask* thank you

The worst part about getting kidnapped would be when the news told everyone your real height and weight.

My anxiety is so bad I keep thinking that I forgot to shut the garage door and I don’t even have a garage.

ME: As the leader of the goth party, it is my belief that Friday the 13th should be a holiday

REPORTER: What else does the goth party believe in?

ME: [clearing throat] Ghosts

Friend, at my first Pride: are you disappointed?

Me, dressed as a lion: no it’s fine

Dating is just wondering why some people are single and figuring it out.

WIFE: what’s the name of that girl you work with?
ME: which girl?
WIFE: the pretty one
ME: I feel like this is a trap

‘Triskaidekaphobia’ is the word for an irrational fear of the number 13.

But why does Big Dictionary have no word for if the fear is rational? Like, maybe the number 13 killed your family, or cut your brake lines.

Stay woke, friends.

Parts of a worm:
1) Worm

Anyone know any Sausage Biscuits looking for a job?

Me: No glove no love.
Gyno: Please don’t make another pap uncomfortable.