A recipe for laughter
You Might Also Like
Missed connection: She wanted classy and I thought she said gassy…
I only look at Wordle for the articles
me: “£4,000 for a beehive?”
salesman: “sir, there are 8,000 bees in there, that’s only 50p each”
me: [checking my wallet] “give me 3 bees”
Remember the Scooby Doo episode where they put Scooby down and gave Shaggy the death penalty for ripping the face off an innocent person?
Women are like squirrels, very cute from a distance but will fight when you try to pick them up and get them in your car.
Fertility group: We need some brochures about some really serious topics.
Graphic designer who is a birder on the weekend: You got it, chief.
[First Date]
Me: So this has been great.
*moves in for a kiss*
Me: Jesus, a little handsy there.
Octopus: I can’t… I can’t help it.
Wait wait wait wait wait wait wait…
What if giving up is overrated?
I’m not totally useless, I can be used as a bad example.
If inmates can pen pal their way into marriage, then there’s still hope for most of you.
Alex Baldwin implies the existence of Alex Hairloss
if you give a mouse a fish, he’ll eat for a day
Kid bunny: why do humans think we lay eggs?
Dad bunny: i think it’s time we have “The Talk.”
Kid bunny: ok
Dad bunny: *leaning in to whisper* humans are idiots
Being from the Midwest means my signature potluck dish will contain a tub of mayonnaise, a jar of jelly, and a block of Velveeta.
And it will be called something like “Sexy Salad” to let you know I do not actually understand what sex or salad is.
I don’t remember my password, so I’ll just start my hundredth new account.
-Everyone’s mom
Me [eating an entire rotisserie chicken]: they say never go shopping hungry
My GF: we’re going to Lowe’s
This is war. The Boys tv show stole my joke about a TSA agent named Pat Magroin
Me: So after this Imma call you my stentist.
Cardiologist: Ok so no surgery for you.
Not today
We’ve designed you a new phone 007.
It’s exactly the same as your old phone but you’ll need to buy a new charger.
*discovering flying dinosaur*
PALEONTOLOGIST: We’ll call it pterodactyl, for “wing fingers”
ME: *crumples up note that says skynosaur*
Top 5 oxymorons:
1. Jumbo shrimp
2. Civil war
3. Virtual reality
4. Great outdoors
5. Family vacation
Her: Dude all your selfies look the same.
Me: That’s because it’s me in all of them.
[Job interview]
Employer: please explain the gap on your resume
Me: what…they were hiring
Schrodinger’s Immigrant: A person who is simultaneously too lazy to work, but is also stealing your job.
3yo: Mommy I peed in the bathroom!
Me: That’s great pal! …. Wait in the toilet?
3:…
Me: Did. You. Pee. In. The. Toilet?
3:…
(To the guy at urinal next to me) You’re doing the right thing. Going here and not in your pants
Mario: YAHOO!! *throws banana peel at another cart, eats a mushroom*
Me: This. This is why I don’t take you grocery shopping.
Is it even the holidays if you don’t have at least one person wearing an inappropriate and inflammatory political shirt to dinner?