A recipe for laughter
You Might Also Like
Fun Fact – The faster you walk around the office the more important you are
He loves me…
He loves me not…
He loves me…
He loves me not…
He loves me…
He loves me not…
He loves me…
He loves me not…Florist- “Umm. You’re gonna have to pay for those.”
WELCOME TO DAYLIGHT SAVINGS!!!! IT IS CHAOS!!! WANT A 6 AM GRILLED CHEESE?? DO IT!! TAKE A NAP AT 1 PM? GO FOR IT!! GET MARRIED IN GREECE AND INVITE THREE MEN WHO MIGHT BE YOUR FATHER?? YOU GO GIRL!!!!
FRIEND: Women want guys who take charge
ME: ok
[later]
WAITER: [to date] Ready to-
ME: [shoves waiter and grabs notepad] Ready to order?
If you add me to a group chat for your MLM without asking, don’t complain when I flood it with photos of Sasquatch and Mothman you didn’t ask for, Brenda.
[parole hearing]
OFFICER: are u reformed?
ME: I—
O: go on
M: I th—
O: tell us
M: I’m—
O: yes
M: can I finish my sentence
O: ok parole denied
You don’t have to do it my way, you could do it wrong also.
Opened the back door and a tiny lizard fell from the sky. It’s either a sign, or the smallest plague ever.
[wife frantically searching the house]
Have you seen the kids, I’ve looked everywhere
[me napping on couch]
OMG HOW LONG HAVE WE HAD KIDS
succession but with mickey mouse and friends
I hope that when the zombies finally do come, they’re all dyslexic and they only go after Brians.
[Cave, present day]
Archeologist [Finding a cave painting]
Wow! This is incredible![Cave, thousands of years ago]
Caveman [Finding paint smeared on wall]
What the…KIIIIIIIDDDDS!
Stephen King: what if there was an *evil* clown
Mary Shelley: what if a corpse came to life
Edgar Allan Poe: oh no a bird!!!
the first snowflake of winter: *falls*
my body: ＷＥ ＤＥＭＡＮＤ ＳＯＵＰ
Why don’t they just call what pallbearers do “The Deadlift”?
My cat is walking a very fine line between being cute & being sold to the Korean restaurant down the street.
Sir newton: I like them ticcc AF
Students: but sir we can’t write that
Newton: ok then write this “the grater the mass the greater the force of attraction”
Me and my mates are in a band called duvet.
We’re a cover band
10’s teacher: Your son has excellent grades
Me: Cool
Teacher: And a very sarcastic sense of humor
Me: *tears up* I couldn’t be more proud
Sucks how parents can’t name their son The Green River Killer anymore since The Green River Killer went & ruined it for everyone.
“Stop pointing at my daughter!” – Kanye West yells at a compass.
We are gathered here today because Somebody “glares at coffin ” couldn’t stay alive.
Drawing fake track marks on my arm so I don’t have to hold anyone’s baby at Thanksgiving.
My aesthetician asked me to stop calling it a “crisis at the border” when I make a bikini wax appointment
Ever notice how much easier it is to be nice to people when they’re leaving?
Date: You heard me
Me: No I didn’t
Wet nurse: I didn’t either
Me: Could you read that back to me?
Stenographer: She said, “Not only is it weird that you have a wet nurse and stenographer, it’s even weirder that you’d bring them on our date.”
[arrives at the gates of hell]
Satan – “WELCOME MORTAL. DOWN HERE… WE DON’T HAVE LASAGNA”
Me – “um…ok?”
[Satan checks list]
“Is your name Garfield?”
“No”
“Huh. List says Garfield”
Created by Jews, saves humanity.
Who, Jesus? No, dummy. Superman.
Friend: We adopted our dog one year ago.
Me: I always suspected that because it doesn’t look like either of you.
My license has hair and eye color listed as “BRO” and I’m like… 😎 I know right.