A recipe for laughter
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Whoever said ‘carbs are not your friend’ does not understand how friendship works.
them: your tweet is missing a word
me: it’s missing a bunch, do you have any idea how many words there are?
Instead of a tweet up,
I think all the twitter crushes should get together for a weekend in the mountains
You know…
A Couples Retweet
*My kids are fighting*
9yo: You’re acting like a baby !
6yo: And you’re acting like dad !
HILLARY: i’m sick and tired of these baseless accusations
THE MEDIA: aha! you see?! she admits it! not only is she sick, she’s also tired!
Marriage, Year one: I love watching you shave. You’re so cute!
Marriage, year ten: You leave whiskers in that sink one more time and I’ll drown you in it
“One day, I will create a global business-oriented social networking service”
– Abraham LinkedIn
Kid: “I want to be a doctor when I grow up.”
Mom: “You can’t. Your hands aren’t cold enough.”
“I can’t hear you because my eyes are closed.”
– my kid, showing off my exemplary homeschool skills
What’s it called when you’re anxious enough to be a Helicopter Mom, but really, really lazy? A Blimp Mom? Yeah, I’m that.
My kid wants me to tell China that they should have camouflaged the balloon by painting it blue with clouds and stuff, and since she’s not wrong I’m wondering, do I write a letter or is there a phone number I can call
If you’re going to the hospital for a covid-19 test make sure you bring with you a valid form of identification along with a printout of your IMDB page and/or your Basketball Reference stats
My Fitbit was delivered today. It’s still sitting in the mailbox because I don’t want to walk all the way out there.
Daughter: dada I’m scared of the dark.
Me: oh honey the dark’s more scared of you than you are of it.
Daughter:
Me: [turns off light] goodnight.
The Dark: oh shit oh shit where’d that creepy little girl go?
my physical therapist told me I should be using a foam roller “or a wine bottle, since I know you have one of those at home”
(Teen Jesus Season Finale)
*TJ gracefully ascends into clouds*
*everyone is in tears*
*Mary M gets a txt*
TJ (txt): high af rn
A measles outbreak? Weird. You’d think in this day and age, they’d have invented something to protect against that.
Can’t we just sew all of the candidates together & have the first multi-headed president?
Yes, I would like to see a wine list, because I don’t mispronounce enough words in my day-to-day life.
Me: Wanna go out on a date sometime?
Her: Sure, I’d love to
Me: Wtf is wrong with you
my mom yesterday: do u work tomorrow
me: yes
my mom today: do u work today
me: yes i already told u
my mom when i’m at work: where are u
You guys realize St. Valentine was beheaded, right?
front of the back of the
Christmas tree Christmas tree
The look of dismay on my dog’s face tells me nothing is as unfair to dogs as when they’re chasing a bird and the bird flies off.
“You know, your ex-wife was trash! I never liked her.”
“We’re still married, Grandma.”
“She’s such a lovely girl.”
Did it hurt when YOU fell from heaven?
If so, contact the law offices of Leon Molowitz, and get the monetary compensation you deserve!
TWITTER: something just isn’t clicking here
HORDE OF RACIST EGGS: [cacophony of immoral filth]
TWITTER: eliminate the looping video service
I bought a fridge magnet but it’s yet to attract a single fridge.
Me: you kill people for their blood? How do you sleep at night?
Vampire: I don’t.
Me: How do you look at yourself in the mirro-
Vampire: also no.