A recipe for laughter
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Finally a chicken taxidermy curiosity for the rest of us!
“What?”
– Jude
My toxic trait is wanting things I can’t have, like sleep and lactose
“That there’s a damn shame, Bill. Yeah, no, sorry, I didn’t see anything. I was visiting my sister’s tree over on Morgan. I’ll ask around and let you know if I hear something, though. Geez, what a world, am I right? Anyway, your homeowners policy should cover it, no?”
I doubt anyone’s actually “dying” from seeing a cute baby picture on FB, but we can always dream.
My toddler eats with her right hand but is ambidextrous when it comes to total destruction.
*changes entire paper to past tense to try to increase the page count*
Peacock: *spreads feathers at me*
Husband: It’s trying to attract you as a mate
Me: *shyly lifts top*
Husband: no
“no” – me after being asked by the joker if i wanted to know how he got his scars
The human body is 90% water, so we’re basically just cucumbers with anxiety.
if a bee sting u, u get a lil pain but the bee dies so who really wins? “lol im OWNING all these bees” i say as i put my face in the beehive
AMERICA, EVERY WEEKEND: I just wanna Netflix and Chill lol.
THE WEEKEND EVERYONE NEEDS TO STAY INSIDE: It’s my God-given right to go outside and lick whatever I want.
“I’ll take the Batmobile. Robin, you take the–”
[Robin doing up laces]
“The Batskates, yeah I know.”
Guy at the Xmas tree farm: When you bring it into your house, you need to let it stand in the corner of the room for a while to relax and acclimatise.
Me: Same.
Jay Z and Beyonce had a 4 million dollar dinner with Obama…. Wtf did they eat? Fresh dinosaur?
Man: I’d like an order of buffalo wings
Bartender: sorry, we don’t serve food here
*a sandwich that just walked in flips a table and leaves*
Absolutely destroyed my bed last night… I cuddled those covers so hard
I carry my checkbook with me everywhere just in case someone wants to be paid in the least convenient way possible.
I think God created marriage so death wouldn’t come as such a disappointment.
You disagree with me and I bring out the spiked minion bat to put you in your place
I’d never go on a dating website.
I believe in meeting guys the old fashioned way, hitchhiking.
*Farmer walks into job application
Farmer: I barely speak English, and my village doesn’t have a computer.
Employer: BOOM! Tech support!
I like how there was a resurgence in the past few years of vinyl records, the most inconvenient of all possible media since the stone tablet.
MANAGER: Great news guys, I finally got us a gig
BAND: Thank God! Finally!
MANAGER: *installing RAM* Yeah it’ll make this PC way faster
i love that kanye gets into very specific beefs with ppl i have to google but he’s nice enough to say both their first & last name
SCIENTISTS: there are only 90 seconds remaining on the doomsday clock
ME: [73 seconds still remaining on my microwave hotdog] c’mon… c’monnn
Me: *stressed
My spouse: Do you want me here or do you want me to leave you alone?
Me, now a stressed psychopath: Both.
Who called them dentures and not substitooths?
“loud noises scare horses”
[wife now whispering] get it out of the basement
i was going to get married, but
my wife refuses to sign the
divorce papers