A reenactment of ketchup in the 16th century. So delicious, they were all deemed witches.
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Back in my mother’s house with my sister for the first time in many years and it’s like nothing’s changed… My sister’s still hogging the remote… 🙄
CW: My wedding is going to be expensive!
Me: Wait till you see what the divorce is going to cost you!
The most maddening thing about having a cat is when you can’t find them and start panicking and sweet-talk-hollering for them and shaking the treat box and nearing a panic attack — and they come yawning and stretching out of some nook or cranny like “Wow, you are being so loud.”
Person: “Are you in a wheelchair in your dreams?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “Are you stupid in yours?”
My parent trap worked perfectly. I now have five parents.
Dating for me is like wearing cashmere, I think I can handle it, and then a few hours later I’m like, “Get it off of me!!!”
learn from a vacuum cleaner, don’t work beyond the limit of your cord…
Me: [watching news]
Child: Why do you watch the news?
Me:
Child:
Me:
Child: I asked-
Me: I’M THINKING
That’s not a halo. It’s the light at the end of the tunnel glowing behind me as I walk in the wrong direction.
[Driving w/date in car]
Date [turns radio to country]
Me [reaches over date, opens passenger door] This isn’t working. [Hits eject button]
IKEA employees are just the souls of previous shoppers that couldn’t find the exit
She carries herself with such poise, clumsy poise but still.
If I was in the military, I would be a sniper. That way I can lie down a lot.
NEWLYWED FRIEND: i just love him so much, i always want to be around him!
ME: you haven’t heard him eat cereal yet, have you
I let my kid stir the pancake batter and now he keeps asking for the whisk-y, going to have a lot of explaining to do at preschool
Business plan :
1. hold sign that says “free hugs”2. Whisper during the hug, “it’s $50 to let go”
My 5yo: Mommy what are shark cooties.
Me: …. What?
5: Ava said shark cooties are her favorite snack.
Me: …..
Me: CHARCUTERIE. She likes charcuterie.
My son had a side hustle of selling King’s Hawaiian slider sandwiches to his dorm mates. And you know kids these days and cash. We were seeing these $3 Venmos going in the account around midnight many weeknights. I had to finally just ask him and then I offered to partner up.
*leans forward*
*leans back*
*leans forward*
*leans back*
Husband: Can’t find your reading glasses again?
Me: No, I’m doing micro crunches!
Latest election news: Donald Trump narrowly leads Hillary Clinton by 4 lies.
Winning an argument on Twitter is the same as being rich in Monopoly.
[blind date]
JEFF BEZOS: I brought you flowers
HER: Oh thanks. That’s very sweet
JEFF BEZOS: I see you’ve liked flowers. Perhaps you’d like these other flowers
If two pieces of pizza share the same pepperoni that is one piece of pizza. Don’t let anybody tell you differently
Remember when a blue moon was a rare and romantic thing, and now it’s probably something terrible on Urban Dictionary?
Told my daughters they get to split the inheritance when we die and my 10 y/o asked, “Will you leave me more if I’m your lawyer?” She’s clearly ready for a legal career.
Have you seen the new movie, “Constipation”? It may not have come out yet.
When #EgyptAir announced “he’s not a terrorist, just an idiot” My ex wife phoned to see if it was me.
ME: …but it’s dairy-free
WIFE: I don’t care, I’m not calling it “peanut margarine”
Dipping your cats in blue paint and watching them chase each other is 1000x more entertaining than Avatar.
Drinking at home is convenient, sure, but it’s nothing like the experience of leaving the pub feeling fifty bucks lighter.