a reese’s peanut butter cup but the inside is toothpaste
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*playing with a ouija board at a cocktail party*
Me: Is anyone here with us?
T E L L T H E S E P E O P L E T O
U S E A C O A S T E RM: Oh my god! Mom!
Any dogs trainers on this app? How do I train my dog to make margaritas?
Dolls on drugs
My 5 y/o: ugh, all we have is cereal for breakfast
[Next morning, after I make pancakes]
My 5 y/o: I’ll have cereal
Clown Uber driver:
Get in! We have room for one more.
You’re 25, please stop saying back in the day.
airlines should have an option where you can book distances rather than just destinations. here’s 100 bucks, take me as far as that’ll get me. just drop me in the Atlantic ocean, I’ll figure it out.
*runs into san francisco restaurant* THE KALE WASN’T LOCALLY SOURCED
*sound of 100s of ubers smashing into each other outside restaurant*
Putting tape over my webcam so the hackers can’t watch me take unreasonably large bites of food.
You didn’t make the team.
*me as your life coach
6yo: Mommy, I hope you don’t have the doctor cut your belly open to get the baby out.
4yo: Yeah, hopefully they just do the way where they squeeze it out.
Me: I’m not sure either of you really understands how labor and delivery works.
5: Lucas said he would give me $100 if I go to his birthday party. But I would go for free. But I didn’t tell him that.
Me: I have nothing left to teach you, my child
My newest passion is making up sex positions when weird dudes ask my favorite. I’m a big fan of the Flying Lacrosse Kick, but I also really like the Tightrope Nanny.
Cashier: your total comes to $59
Guy who forgets which numbers are funny: heheh nice
hotels: we have two thicknesses of pillows, monster truck tire or comic book
Good thing he found a cart, because that looks really heavy.
I have the body of a guy in his 20s.
If the morgue people ask about it, tell them you know nothing!
riding my roomba around the house dropping crumbs and tiny pieces of shit in front of it in the direction i wanna go
I haven’t been invited to my family’s Thanksgiving dinner since 12 years ago when I put pepper on my mom’s mashed potatoes without trying them first.
Not sure if this girl I’m talking to online is real, so on our first date I’m gonna bring an image captcha for her to solve.
Airlines need to freakin’ make up their mind abt the temp of the plane once n for all.
1st flight was so freakin’ cold, I could see my soda freeze as I was drinking it n now the 2nd one is throwing so much hot air like I wanna lie naked rn!!!
#travelling
#AmericanAirlines
5-year-old: Dad, can you make the rain go away?
Me: Someone more powerful than me controls the weather.
5-year-old:
Me:
5-year-old: Mom?
Sensible dad: I’d like to buy 3 ‘fleeks’ & 7 ‘swags’ for my son.
“Sir this is Urban Outfitters”
Do you have any ‘baes’?
“Please leave”
You must first feel comfortable in someone else’s skin before you can feel comfortable in your own.
–Psycho Therapy
Son of Sam I Am, a serial killer who targets people who won’t try new foods.
BOSS: lunch on me today. any ideas?
“pizza”
“sushi”
ME: *suspicious that jeff in HR is an anteater* ants?
[i stare at jeff for his reaction]
My entire life feels like I’m holding a small, sticky child that isn’t mine.
7-year-old: *telling me the rules of a game she made up* The goalies get swords.
Me: I am so in.
Got invited to a pool party tomorrow , time to dig out the ol’ leopard print Speedo
Never underestimate mothers. They can turn “mayhem” into “ma’am” with one narrowed glance.