a reese’s peanut butter cup but the inside is toothpaste
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My son challenged my wife & I to a game of hide-and-seek. We took off for the weekend and left him some food. In your face, loser!
When someone slings shit at me, I like to duck and let it hit the person stabbing me in the back.
[cat hospital]
Cat Nurse: Let’s get you prepped for surgery. *licks patient all over*
Age is just a number, like 100 hours of Community Service.
Walking up to any crime scene & whispering within the crowd, “It’s started again, hasn’t it?” then leaving
how is everyone so excited about a scary month after *checks notes* like 250 of them in a row
If by “unload the dishwasher” you mean take out clean utensils as I need them, then yes I unloaded the dishwasher.
Thinking of having kids? Practice getting small children ready to play in the snow by wrestling a pair of gloves onto an angry octopus.
I always end up at the store behind people who’ve never been to a store.
Baby: *sleeps longer than expected*
Me: *checks if baby is alive*Kid: *makes loud thud from other room*
Me: *checks if kid is alive*Teen: *hasn’t sighed in an hour*
Me: *checks if teen is alive*
yeah 😭
[hamster construction site]
“Colin, you seen Dave?”
I left him manning the concrete mixer
“Oh no”
[cut to Dave having the time of his life]
I want to travel like a stolen kidney, handled carefully and packed gently in ice
Who hurt you ?
Me: Monday.
Pat Sajak: I’m Pat Sajak.
Me: Jack.
Pat Sajak: No, my last name is Sajak.
Me: Jack
“Office worker” stock photos are scary. Anyone grinning ear-to-ear at a PowerPoint presentation probably has an ex-boyfriend in her freezer.
aliens are gonna be super confused when they show up threatening to overthrow our leaders and we’re all stoked and offer to help.
I asked my wife to share her queen sized blanket to which she replied she was a queen and therefore the blanket was already at max capacity
I texted my girlfriend “goodnight, love you” but accidentally sent it to my boss. Now Its awkward, cause he holds my hand during meetings.
why do people romanticize the 1950s? like calm down, we still have milkshakes and racism
Million dollar idea: A nightclub for middle aged people with lots of chairs.
[Invention of the universal remote]
“This changes everything.”
Flex on your kids by asking “are we there yet?” before they do
[wife comes home from work]
“why havent you done any of the things i asked you to”
[the dog walks past dressed as a policeman]
ive been busy
Mistakes movie theater popcorn butter for hand sanitizer
Hilarity ensues
People that add “oholic” to jokingly describe things they’re addicted to seem to be unclear as to where the word “alcohol” ends.
Never noticed how many times the doorbell rings on The Golden Girls? Watch it with a dog.
[first day as a real estate agent]
me: as you can see this is a beautiful house
client: how many floors does it have
me: *scratching head* um a lot I think there’s one in every room
I’m giving up for Lent.