a reese’s peanut butter cup but the inside is toothpaste
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Always get worried when I see a “thieves operate here” sign. Who is letting thieves do surgery?
If you think I can be won over by a large Toblerone, then you, my friend, are correct.
so you’re telling me a boot cut these jeans
Over 40 means you go to the bathroom one more time “for good measure”.
DATING TIP: OFFER THEM WATER. PUT 2 STRAWS IN.
ROMANTIC WATER.
Why does my mustard bottle insist on peeing in my sandwich before dispensing my mustard?
I got new neighbors today, I hope they like my music as much as the last 9 families did.
*watches soccer*
*watches soccer*
*watches soccer*
*watches soccer*
*has to pee*
*watches soccer*
*gets up to pee*
*misses goal*
:/
Harness the power of my dog’s wagging tail and we could step into a much greener future.
Overheard my girls discussing how they each want 6 kids someday and “Mom will help!” so this is when I start planning my future island bartending life.
Went shopping for camouflage but didn’t see anything
sometimes we need to be reminded
You can always gauge my mood by the type of animal videos I share: sweet puppy videos or a cat smacking the shit out of someone.
I have this odd feeling that I’m going to be that crazy old lady that yells at everyone to get off the lawn.
From my apartment balcony.
Vixxxen is just a reindeer with a side hustle.
[using ouija board]
Why isn’t he responding to us? I’m annoyed
H I A N N O Y E D I M D A D
Hypnotist: you’re getting very sleepy
Me, at any hour of the day: how did you know?
[watching basketball highlights] These guys never miss
Spent $20 on face coverings for my kids but I’m saving thousands of dollars on braces.
“but it will confuse children” is the dumbest talking point. everything confuses children, they’re idiots. do you explain other shit in the world or you just tell them giraffes are strange dogs
Why do grocery stores double-bag everything? Like why don’t you just make bags that are twice as strong?
Shout-out to smartphones for eliminating tedious tasks from our lives like reading books or watching the road when we drive.
My robot vacuum and I are cut from the same cloth. When we see a line of dirt on the kitchen floor, we just spin around and go the other way.
Mrs Doubtfire is my favourite movie about violating a custody agreement
M: Why are the crazies called insane instead of unsane?
Prosecutor: Number 3 is excused from jury duty.
M: *mumbles* works every time
Cancer: Measure twice, cut once, and don’t leave any fingerprints
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.HI I’M A NERVOUS POOPER.
… Nailed it!
I’m so sick of unexpected character deaths for shock value. This is a terrible pilates video.
If someone says “With all due respect,” what follows is the verbal equivalent of a captive chimp hurling feces at you.
I’ll stop wearing black when they make a darker color