Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

As a former member of the Leopards Eating People’s Faces party until it became extremist, I can tell you that the Let’s Not Eat Anyone’s Face party will get nowhere unless it elects a candidate who wants leopards to eat *some* people’s faces.

I have the bruises of a much more active person.

My new oil business is a nonprofit but only because I’m not making any money and just buying yachts.

The cats activated the rainbow portal again

I’ll know I’m marrying the right person when we’ve both cancelled the wedding twice

Traveled back to 1918 and accidentally called it World War One.

“We should get tickets,” is as close to a rock concert as I get these days.

Me: *describing criminal* Well he was kind of *muffled laughter* “sketchy”.

Police Sketch Artist: *sighs heavily* Get out.

Me and my dog accidentally butted heads. We’re both fine, but I’m concerned about my wife. She keeps asking me who the President is and I correctly tell her every time Ronald Reagan.

Since I started yoga I’ve got so flexible I can now bend over far enough to see my toes.

[interview]

THEM: what would you say if i gave you money from the register and told you to keep it?

ME: thank you.

My kids are fighting and screaming loudly outside. I should probably do something.

*closes window*

Nah what the hell was going on in the back lmaoo

*couple’s marriage begins to fall apart*
*marriage counselor blows on them like an N64 cartridge*

Okay how about now

If by ‘paleontologist’ you mean I can name all 5 shapes in the box of dinosaur chicken nuggets then, yes, I am a paleontologist.

Fun Fact: When you die, someone will feel inconvenienced that your funeral is on a particular day. lol

Before towels were invented people rubbed themselves against the carpet.

When I was a kid, I got mad at my brother and told him people whose names start with J don’t go to heaven, and my mom just looked at me and said, “Jesus”.

The main problem with having a tattoo is that whenever you go to a small town there’s always a slight chance that the locals will have a prophecy about an outsider bearing that exact mark.

“A computer keyboard has more bacteria than a toilet seat.” I don’t doubt it, given the shit my boss sends us in email.

My neighbor’s dogs are named Calvin and Klein. They’re boxers.

My kid wouldn’t eat it after he ordered it so I had to: A parents guide.

“i hope this email finds you,” she threatened

Questions for people who eat Wheat Thins: Have you ever accidentally eaten part of the box? How can you be sure?

I always hear people bragging about weightlifting. In my opinion, if I have to grunt to pick something up, it can just stay where it is.

me: do you have anything for dry skin?

pharmacist: aloe.

me: um hi. do you have anything for dry skin.

One time getting ready to go out to eat my dad told me not to wear jeans with any holes in them and I immediately responded by asking how I was going to put my feet in them and he seriously had a tear build up in one eye.

Well, maybe they shouldn’t have asked me to play lawn darts while my ex was standing there like some sort of human target.

[during prison riot]

cellmates: we’re busting out. you coming?

me: *shakes magic 8 ball*

magic 8 ball: ask again later

me: shoot hang on

Remember, that the reason your kids can be so fuckin annoying sometimes..

Is that they’re miniature versions of you