Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Mum, that’s not a picture of Jesus

I wanted to lose 10 pounds this year. Only 13 to go.

Villian: one false move and you’re history

Me: ok wait does that mean one true move and I’m the future? *eyes welling up* Very inspiring sir thank you

My husband started exercising and now I have to start exercising out of spite.

Neighbor just yelled at me for playing in his sprinkler.

Note to self, I should wear clothes next time.

Whoever first said “I’m in a pickle” must have had the weirdest day.

Nice tan, what’s your race? Carrot?

Is it still kidnapping if I packed a suitcase?

“what’s it like having a sister?”

Me: objection your honour!

Judge : sustained

Me: *takes deep breath* objectionnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn

so no-one told you life was gonna be this way *gunshot* *gunshot* *gunshot* *gunshot*

This year I’m printing my Christmas cards on trash bags to save everyone the extra step

Laura Dern was born 35, she was 35 in Jurassic Park and she’s still 35 today

all I wanna do is
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
move to a safer neighborhood

I’m like the lemon seed that sinks to the bottom of your water glass and then shoots up your straw unexpectedly, trying to choke you.

We often get asked if we take money to promote products. Absolutely not, we always say no as that would stain our reputation. The kind of stain only Persil non bio could get out, even at low temperatures.

Had a dream some of my friends were mooning me, woke up at the crack of Don.

I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.

COP: drop the gun

CRIMINAL: no

COP: [flipping through police handbook, whispers to partner] it doesnt say what to do if he says no

There were a lot of tears when I dropped my kid back to school today. I think it’s really unprofessional when his teacher cries in front of us.

I will no longer be calling coffee my addiction because it sounds unhealthy.

I’m old enough to remember when rainbows were in black and white.

It’s not the most ethical move in the world, but in a pinch you can hand off a cursed object to basically any baby.

This is an illustration of how dumb I am in the morning: I woke up yesterday to my “Alarm” on my phone and my first thought was “Aladdin is calling me”

taking June’s advice to heart

Jake from State Farm lives with us now, our house is full of khaki pants, he is making khaki pants for dinner.

All I ask is that when I’m murdered, you make my chalk outline four sizes smaller.

Tried a Peloton. Just like most other things I eat it left me unfilled, underwhelmed, gave me heartburn. Two out of five stars, tops. There are better snacks out there.

“Can you tell me what the second to last letter in the alphabet is?”
“Y”
“So I can make a stupid joke”

excuse me, are you gonna finish those fries

me, interrupting a couple fighting