A relationship is like a shark, it looks better on TV
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I hope this email finds you in a well
“Robin, I don’t care how much you love that show. We’re not opening the batcave to Storage Wars.”- Batman.
Instagram: “Look at my sushi!”
Vine: “Look at my sushi for six seconds!”
Is it rude to interrupt someone’s wedding vows and ask if it’s time for cake?
Shakespeare: ugh! I do no want to people today
Bee: that’s funny. It doesn’t even occur to me whether or not I want to bee
Shakespeare: *discreetly taking notes
I always order shredded iceberg lettuce on my Subway sandwich because I know my lap is probably hungry too
Surfing is a good choice for people who like skateboarding but wish it had more sharks.
Going to keep letting animals bite me until I get super powers.
Reasons to jump:
1. Trampoline
2. Skydiving
3. Bungee jumping
4. Kris Kross made you
“Why do old people keep getting scammed by phone calls?” wonders a generation that just sent a headshot and access to the data stored on their iPhones to a company they’ve never heard of before
[sets up grandfather’s first computer]
ME: Okay, Grandpa… Just call me if you have any questions or problems.
[phone rings one hour later]
ME: Hello?
GRANDPA: WebMD says I’m pregnant.
Bear Grylls: We need to start a fire or we’re going to freeze.
Me: [Walks around camp quickly in corduroy pants]
Here you go!
I hate talking about the weather with Canadians because I have to convert the temperature to Mooses per square Tim Hortons or whatever.
kicked out of photoshop class for letting out a huge yeehaw every time i select the lasso tool
guy who invented shot put: im tired of holding this put
SURGEON: hold on, i just need to YouTube this part of the procedure
PHONE: *unskippable ad plays*
NURSE: he’s dyin
SURGEON: ah crap, hold on
ME: judging by this blood stain the murderer appears to have been a turkey
ACTUAL POLICE OFFICER: That’s a hand print
jacob when he finds out that his love interest is bella’s literal baby
Always be kind. You never know who might own a hot tub.
A stranger on the internet told me I probably have better things to do than spend time on Twitter.
It’s like he doesn’t even know me at all.
No I can’t go questing today my squire has midterms.
Tell them how you feel about them and if they don’t feel the same way, pretend you’re drunk and thought they were someone else.
Come back tomorrow for more advice on romance. Not from me though, I don’t have time for that shit.
And another thing. People just want to eat a banana without ridicule. They need the potassium. What do you people have against potassium?
Dog owner: oh, don’t worry, he’s friendly! He loves people! He’s just a big old softie angel baby and he would never hurt a fly
Cat owner: he’s a literal monster. Try not to make eye contact with him or otherwise upset him. He will literally eat your face and then LAUGH about it
To whoever is going out with my ex, please step up your game because He is still texting me.
Me: Sir, is this corn maze GMO free?
Him: It’s five dollars.
Last night I dreamt I laid in bed all day drinking wine, eating chocolate & watching Netflix.
Tomorrow I’m making my dreams come true.
Tried to impress her by making martinis but got my hand stuck in the olive jar
My wife and I eloped, but a month later we had a small party to celebrate with family and friends. Somewhere on the invitation we wrote, “bring an appetite,” which my wife’s Uncle Jerry misread as “bring an appetizer.” He showed up at the venue with a crockpot of enchiladas.