Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Do you know beforehand your dog is a cadaver dog, or do your first several walks always happen to end with finding a body?

if somone acidentaly walks in while ur in the bathroom, do not react at all. this avoids embarasment & makes them wonder if they are a ghost

follow request on instagram. a tan and in shape man on a pool float. blocked.

Sexting is like reading a porn novel written by two lonely people who failed English in high school.

One bough breaks centuries ago and now it’s “uncouth” to hang my baby in the tree tops?

We’re gathered here today to mourn the loss of Derek. His last words were “Watch me try and keep my eyes open while sneezing!”

Everyone keeps asking me if I’m okay, and I think it’s because I keep showing up to places looking like I was hit by a truck.

13yo asked me to get up at 6am to help her curl her hair, and I laughed and laughed and laughed, and then I set my alarm for 6am because she asked nicely.

Took a bunch of ibuprofen to keep my tweets from being too inflammatory

*throws back out*

Back: Let me back in baby, I can change.

In dog beers I’ve only had 2.

Daylight savings is not enough. You need to be daylight investing.

“What is your reason for divorce?”
She pronounces ‘Kansas’ like the second part of ‘Arkansas’

The printer is only printing blank pages, and it’s like it can read my mind.

I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “I don’t know, check and see if she has a collar.”

carolers: *knock on door*

(Simon Cowell answers the door)

carolers: *gulp*

[using Apple Pay]

Cashier: Tilt your phone
Me: *tilts*
Cashier: Closer
Me: Ok
Cashier: Stand on one leg
Me: Huh?
Cashier: Sing Apple Bottom Jeans
Me: What?
Cashier: Eat this apple

DARTH VADER: it’s so hard to date when you’re
STORMTROOPER: …an evil genocidal maniac?
DV: I was going to say a single dad. You’ve made it awkward now

[First Date. Full moon]

Her: You looked different in your profile picture.

Werewolf: I forgot to check the calendar

Please help me bring my daughter and her boyfriend home safe!

Natalie Anderson and Enmanuel Rodriguez have been missing since 6pm Monday evening. This is the last time I spoke to them. They took their dog, Sky camping and planned to return on Wednesday.  When we spoke they’d

Protip: If you refer to yourself as “someone” when explaining something bad that happened, your wife will always know that “someone” is you.

Work tip: Anytime someone leaves a room, ominously say, “And they never saw him again.”

Dog Park
Kid: What’s his name?
Me: Dorito. He’s a therapy taco. Don’t pet him.
Kid:*Throws Ball*
Taco:*Chases it. Lettuce flies everywhere*

A guy offered to take me anywhere I wanted to go on a first date and had the audacity to ghost me after I replied, “An axe throwing range?”

I get a kick out of people who think because I make Americana music I’m supposed to dress like a damn horse repairman or some shit

Man sits by me on train.
MAN: Loads of psychopaths around here
ME: Really?
MAN: Loads mate
ME: How’d you know?
MAN: There’s signs aren’t there?
ME: I guess?
MAN: I love them
(47 minutes of awkward silence.)
Man leaves train, he has a bike. I realise he was saying ‘cycle paths’.

“I liked small butts. I was lying.” – Sir Mix-A-Lot’s teary deathbed confession

Customer: you don’t want to see me when I’m mean
Me: I don’t want to see you when you’re happy either!

My boyfriend has the body of a god!

Or the body of God.

Okay, he’s like the body of Christ.

What I mean is, he’s a round white cracker.

Me: *opening can of worms

Husband: Where the hell did that come from?

Me: I can’t resist a sale.