a relationship should be 50/50. 50% donkey 50% dragon
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Sing me a song you’re the piano man / clean out my pool you’re the gardener /now light up my room you’re a ceiling fan
When customers come in 6 hours before closing
“Yes, I’m here. I really need you to be more specific. I know a lot of Margarets.”
— God
Travel Tips
1. Pack light
2. Dress comfortably
3. Bring a book
4. Anything can happen
5. You’ll probably get killed
6. Don’t leave the house
A nice way to tell someone their breath stinks, “well I’m bored,let’s go brush our teeth” in mid convo
The cable guy was on my street and asked me what time it was.
I told him it’s between 8am and 12pm.
Wanna see awkward?
Hand me a baby.
Me [seeing they want to give teachers guns because there are guns in schools]: There are also drugs in schools.
why isn’t he texting back
I’m suspicious of people who don’t like dogs…But I totally trust a dog when it doesn’t like a person.
Why is it so humiliating when you’re browsing clothes in store and an item falls off the hanger, and when you try and put it back on it’s like you’ve never used a clothes hanger before in your life
*Getting kidnapped* Okay, but can you please make me some coffee first?
Quarantine Day 31: I joined a Facebook group where we all pretend to be ants in an ant colony
Welcome to homeschooling. Your house has 847 pencils in it, yet your child can never find one.
No one told me that by encouraging my kid to play soccer I’d also be encouraging him to kick everything and anything he can possibly get his foot on regardless of time, space, location and roundness.
“I’m gonna put this somewhere safe” is an ancient incantation that opens a portal to a random point in another timeline, through which all safely kept things travel, never to be seen again.
3-year-old: Where do people go when they die?
Me: Heaven.
3: I don’t want to go there.
Me: Why not?
3: It’s full of dead people.
marriage is so goth. it’s like “I’m in this until DEATH” jfc dude settle down
SF is the wild wild west man
The old gods are rising again.
That scary part in parenthood when your toddler turns into one of them raptors from Jurassic Park and learns how to open doors
My wife is in a Facebook group called Buy Nothing where people list stuff they’re giving away.
The other day, a lady came to our house to pick up two granola bars that we didn’t like
*swirling hand sanitizer around in a glass like a sommelier* what year is this?
So it turns out that the cookie dough flavored toothpaste I have been using is actually just normal cookie dough.
Recently in Miami, I was so excited to see my wife and 8YO on the jet ski, for the first time. I screamed, shouted and kept waving at them. When they came back, I realized I was cheering a wrong family the whole time
TERMINOTOR: come with me if u want to live
ME: ok cool
*just sits there*
TERMINOTOR: COME WITH ME IF–
ME: ya i got it. im good right here
The guy who made my sandwiches told me Have Fun as he handed them to me. Not sure what he thinks I was gonna do wit them
Fights fire with marshmallows
ME: Make every guy afraid of me.
GENIE: As you wish.
ME: (a tampon): son of a
When people ask if I’m being serious or if I’m joking, my answer is always yes.