a relationship should be 50/50. 50% donkey 50% dragon
You Might Also Like
ME: [plucking chicken] Who lets their eyebrows get this bad?
Kinda weird, but my gynecologist was still wearing eclipse glasses during my pelvic exam.
FRIEND: Jack is sleeping, what should we do to him?
TYLER: Shaving cream.
MARK: Shaving cream.
ME: Pay off his student loans.
[they all look at me]
ME: I mean shave him.
Me: What’s strange today may be normal tomorrow.
Home Depot employee: Sir, stop varnishing your body.
I like to send love notes in my husband’s lunch like SORRY THE BREAD IS STALE MAYBE YOU SHOULD LEARN TO SEAL IT BACK WHEN YOU ARE DONE
👍
A fun thing for an author to do would be to have the last line of the book be something like “he said, in his Jamaican accent, which he’d had this whole time.” Make the audiobook narrator have to start the whole thing over.
check in with your friends but also don’t forget to check in on your enemies. make sure they’re doing bad
When I say I’m not like other girls, I mean that I don’t mind bugs or dirt. Otherwise I am exactly like other girls, and yes, I’m still mad about that thing you said in August of 2009.
What if “my anaconda don’t want none unless you got buns, hun” was just Sir Mix-a-Lot saying that his pet snake is a picky eater and prefers bunnies.
The janitor squints at the unfinished equation, picks up the chalk and scrawls methodically. Soon all the eights have top-hats like snowmen.
What if the Government invented cheese to distract us from reality?
*gets arrested*
Programmed Siri to respond to any request with “That’s what she said.”
I relate more to serial killers than people who say they ‘forgot to eat’
Put the spoiled milk back in the fridge and hope it gets better.
– What I think when I hear someone is getting back together with an ex.
Now, where’s the sport in that?
Things changed for the better for Harry and Ginny’s marriage once they mastered the difficult “Turgidic Maximus” charm
Recipes in your 40s should be like, the first thing you’re going to want to do with the frozen bag of peas is ice your knees.
me: tries to sleep.
clock: i think i’m going to karaoke in Morse code now.
Lake Superior was named the second most scenic lake in the world, beaten only by Lake Superiorer.
9: Where’s mom?
Me: Out the back
9: Australia?
M: Out THE back, not the Outback!
9: What’s she doing?
M: Playing with her didgeridoo, I think
Flowers die, my love, so instead I shall give you a bouquet of Keith Richards.
I will never have to admit to a mistake at work when I can blame the last person who quit
A couple of birds are outside fighting. Wait. They’ve quieted down. There’s a third bird. I think he may be their therapist.
My husband would need to live to be 200 to finish all the things he said he “was GOING to do”
[First day as a driving instructor]
“Okay kid, reverse. Keep going and stop when you hear a bang.”
From Facebook just now…
Me: Your shoes are on the wrong feet baby girl
2: *starts crying* These are my only feet!
The only running I do is to the microwave to catch the beep before the dog hears it go off