Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“your cat will eat you when you die” yeah but he shows infinite grace by making no attempt in the meantime. leave him alone

I tend to be very Snow White-ish with animals, but today a squirrel threw a nut at my head

Win some, lose some

I swear I am going to sit in the parking lot and slam a bag of beef jerky before my dental hygienist appointment.

Make her earn every dollar of that teeth cleaning.

Is Mark short for something like Markathon?

ME: You’re saying I’m not smart enough for this job?

BOSS: Well, yes.

ME: [points to computer] Just because I can’t use the typewriter TV?

“I can’t do any of this? This is some bullshit.”

I never judge a book by its cover.

People, though, I can tell are evil by their stupid faces.

Killers in crime shows think they can cover up strangling people but the coronor is always inevitably like “his neck was snapped in a way that was inconsistent with a heart attack”

“Hey. You sleeping? No? Whatcha thinkin about? Hey. Did you hear me? Hey. Hey. Ok. You’re boring. I’m leaving… Jk I’m back. Hey” – Birds

The best and most reliable advice I can offer is add bacon.

I don’t care if it’s a Hell Hound or not, I’m still going to pet it.

I like to do a task by worrying about it for three weeks and then finally dedicating 12 solid minutes to completing it.

I hate to choose sides, but if forced, I’ll aggressively side with the person paying my bar tab.

When they wheel me out in a body bag I hope someone sticks a pair of googly eyes on the outside.

The person who came up with the word onomatopoeia woke up one morning and chose vowelence.

What part of this $7.50 Wal Mart T-shirt makes you think I’d like to see the wine list?

If you reply with “sky” each time I ask what’s up, I shall assume you’re homeless.

jokes on you i can still tweet in a straitjacket

All the roles in Gravity were played by Martin Lawrence.

I may be paranoid, but it feels like the world is out to get me.

*trips over globe and breaks both legs*

my idiot dog just ate a box of condom. i was gonna eat those buddy

[in hell]

me: *sad* why am I here?

satan: you’re a murderer

me: what? no I’m not

satan: oh no? *rolls footage of my 3rd grade dance recital* you absolutely SLAYED, guuuuuuurl

me: *blushing* aww

People write Congrats cause they can’t spell Congrajulashins

[hands mom flowers on Mother’s day]
thanks for a life of sacrifice, these cost me twenty bucks

I don’t understand why you guys complain about never being able to finish a tube of chapstick, it usually only takes me 2 or 3 bites.

A parent’s autobiography called “But I Just Sat Back Down” and all the chapters start with “Ugh.”

Cat 911: What’s your emergency?

Cat: I knocked everything off the tables now I’m scared!

Cat 911: Seriously?

Cat: No, LOL!

Cat 911: LOL!

It is a shame that nothing is built in America anymore. I just bought a TV that said: “Built in Antenna”.

I don’t even know where that is.