Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[exchanging xmas gifts]
me: “if you dont open it you can never be disappointed can you?”
schrödinger: “i feel like i brought this on myself”

If you think January has been a big month for marches, you’re gonna lose your mind when you hear what the 3rd month of the year is called.

barbie’s story is actually so sad like her parents left her with her 3 sisters and she had to take up 200 jobs to take care of them then on top of that her boyfriend is gay and won’t get a job

That show “Catfish” should just be called “People Who Have Never Heard of Google.”

Me: I’m finally letting myself go gray

Dermatologist: you really need some sun

Yesterday, Trump spoke to two female American astronauts while they were in space. Not only did they make history being the first crew to perform an all-woman spacewalk, they also made history by being the first women to speak to Trump at a distance that was probably pretty safe.

The first rule of fight club is: you do not tell mom that I let you watch fight club, kids

Why does Mommy always say no?

Well Son, if Mommy said yes all the time you’d have 20 more siblings.

#Friyay

Gonna name our dog Sock so I can say “Come, Sock” over and over again at the dog park

When the client says “make it pop”, I can’t help but wonder if it’s my sanity or the website design they’re talking about.

NO city was built in a day. Get over yourself, Rome.

My kids always seem to underestimate the length of my freakishly long arms when they start a fight while I’m driving.

Guys, if she says “well that’s entirely up to you”… it really isn’t.

Bedroom notes:
Whipped cream – Yes
Sriracha – No

If you can talk really fast you have some options in life: Become an auctioneer or list the side effects of drugs at the end of commercials.

I’m sorry I mistook your baby for a bag of cheetos. If it helps, it was very tasty.

People say I have a dry sense of humor. So when you hate everyone the word to describe that is dry now I guess.

Just found all my fan letters to Wolverine my wife “promised” she mailed stuffed behind the couch. I’m livid.

thinking about my old neighbor that named their WiFi “your arms too short to box with god” and my other neighbor that named their WiFi “super long god boxing arms”

It wasn’t a crisis until my mother heard about it.

The existence of an earthworm and a heartworm implies there must be a fire, wind, and waterworm

and to my great grandchildren i leave 42,567 screenshots

I gave up my ambition to be a wizard after I accidentally turned a frog into a corporate advertising executive.

If that earthquake had waited three days we would have a whole new major religion by now

ME: And a third pair of skinny corduroys.

GENIE: Lol, you’re not very good at this are you?

Most people in your life will come and go but occasionally you’ll meet someone really special who makes you contemplate murder.

CHEF: You’re fired
ME: Is it cause I call beef patty’s “beef patricias?”
CHEF: Yes
ME: Can I have some Switzerland cheese bef-
CHEF: GET OUT

Wife: Can you take the kale chips out of the oven?

Me: Sure. Can you hold the trash open?