A relationship so stable you can buy concert tickets 4 months in advance >>
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[Lounging in hot tub]
Paul the Plum: “I’m starting to shrivel up like a…”
Pete the Prune: “Oh just say it, Paul. Like a what?!”
All my mom’s plants die from being overwatered and that’s all you need to know about my childhood and why I’m like this.
5yo: What happens when we die?
Me: People fight over your stuff
“HONEY, ITS THE BANK. SOMEBODY USED YOUR CARD TO BUY A HUMAN HAMSTER WHEEL??”
Me [from basement, out of breath] “what”
A zombie apocalypse sounds even worse when you consider all those smoke detectors beeping for battery changes.
*driving to the store*Lemons, lemons
*inside the store* Lemons, Lemons
*comes homes*
wife:Did you get the apples?
*drives back to the store*
Reporter: Can you stop poking my chest?
Me: But your badge says ‘press’
Pastor: He is risen!
Me: Who?
Pastor: Jesus
Me: Jesus who?
Pastor: Jesus Christ
Me: Look, dude, there’s no reason to get angry.
Divorce is never funny. Unless it’s happening to your ex who got engaged six weeks after you broke up.
FRIEND: Wow you have bought A LOT of frozen food
ME: I like to plan ahead
FRIEND: But you haven’t got a freezer
ME: I’m a terrible planner
I got kicked out of another Super Bowl party for changing the channel to Forensic Files
I can’t seem to convince these dogs & cats that I don’t need their assistance in the bathroom.
The difference between looking at a kaleidoscopic as a kid vs as an adult.
The migraine that follows.
I’m 37 and from the Midwest, every man I know is named Matthew, I’m going to need you to be more specific.
-Me when my mom say she saw Matthew today.
First they came for the people who say “Awesome sauce,” and I said nothing, because, frankly, those people deserve it.
this lady on nextdoor was like “we’ve had this chihuahua for ten years but we had a baby so now we’re getting rid of our dog does anyone want him” and i replied “rehome the baby” and now IM the bad guy?
gpt-6 will have the intelligence of someone who decided not to get a PhD
I swear I’m more than a mom. I’m a sweary mom.
If anything happens to me, please use my Netflix account until it stops listing recommendations “Because you watched Coneheads”
Worst part of my old job was drug screenings. Had to tell a guy he was pregnant. Lesson: don’t use your girlfriend’s urine for testing.
If you know, you know 😂🚔
My son is playing his first soccer game tonight and I’m pretty stoked he wasn’t the first kid to start eating the grass
A co-worker just used the word “elderly” to describe someone my age and that’s why I had to kill her.
My girlfriend said, “Is there basketball on?” then put on the game and walked away. Two hours later, I’m like what is she doing? She’s napping. She turned it on to keep me occupied like a toddler.
[at TED talk]
OMG that man is having a heart attack! Anyone here a doctor?
*entire crowd stands*
No a MEDICAL doctor
*entire crowd sits*
Not having money is a great way to not lose any money.
All I really hope for at this point is to never be in a situation where my flight number ends up the title of a movie.
Genius.
i am not one 22-year-old, i am actually two 11-year-olds stacked on top of each other wearing a trench coat
No you can’t throw a ham at the rotor blade so it slices the ham up, that’s literally the first thing we taught you in helicopter school