Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My ‘Mom Voice’ was so loud even the neighbors washed their hands and cleaned their rooms.

My kids are smart but sometimes they say dumb stuff like, “Mom why do you always buy the candy pack with Snickers when you’re the only one who likes them?”

What idiot called it grand larceny and not klepto currency

A city girl was bequeathed an inn, but it’s all run down and doesn’t have any water and the only person in town for the holidays is the ruggedly handsome guy who just lost his wife

OWNER: The museum’s ready?
ME: All the artichokes are in place
OWNER: Ha, you mean artifacts
[I slam the door shut]
ME: U cannot go in there

gf: i’m breaking up with you.
me: is it my drinking habits?
gf: well it…
me: *interrupts with empty cup straw-sipping noise for 2 minutes*

(me, as a caveman, inventing religion):

what if there’s a giant sky man who will be like super pissed if you don’t give me money

Friends: Want to hang out this weekend?

Me: No, I have big plans this weekend.

My Plans:

just once id like to see people talking about a murder victim in an average way. like yeah tony always hated going food shopping. decent guy tho

Impressing a girl who owns cats on our date by eating so fast I throw up

Doctor: When he wakes from this coma, we don’t know if he’ll be the same or have brain damage

Me *opening eyes* gonna buy a duck and call it Dan Quackroyd

Doctor: Oh no

Wife: Oh shit he’s the same

13-year-old: I need cool clothes.

Me: I think your clothes now are pretty cool.

13: That’s the problem

I’m trying to write.

My wife is pounding with a hammer in the garage.

I’m trying to write.

The dog is barking at the hammer noise.

I’m trying to write.

Kids next door are playing football and screaming “Omaha! Omaha!”, apparently their next big play.

…I’m trying to write.

Maybe during this year’s colonoscopy they’ll find your brain

I strongly condemn the ritual sacrifice of children to Satan.

It is morally wrong and, in my experience, completely ineffective.

her, deep in thought: *does that cute thing where she puts the tip of the frames of her glasses in her mouth*

me, deeper in thought: *eats my glasses*

The pastor’s sermon went on so long that even Jesus got up and walked out.

The person in front of me paid for my coffee and I had to do the right thing, so I ordered a donut also.

Me: Liar, liar, pants on fire! Nose as long as a telephone wire!
Daughter: A telephone WHAT?
Me: Wire.
Daughter: That doesn’t make sense.

A cat has contracted the COVID-19 disease. Don’t ask Meow

[Waiting at the dentist]

*leans over to stranger*

I’ll clean your teeth for half price.

Me: I’m a mature adult woman who can handle anything

Also me: *has to pack my blankie wherever I go or I can’t sleep*

Daughter: Daddy, I can’t sleep.

Me: *gets warm milk* How about now?

D: Nope

Me: *reads a book* How about now?

D: Nope

Me: *starts to sing*

D: *fake sleeps so I’ll stop*

Me: Man, I should have started with that.

Overpopulation? Ban coffee. Humans will murder the shit out of each other.

Career day:
Hi kids I’m Bills Dad and I work at the local morgue. Who wants to pet a dead body?”

The moment you throw a piece of boiling spaghetti on your wall, to see if it sticks,
is the moment you realise, random spaghetti boiling advice is radommnly valid