A relationship so stable you can buy concert tickets 4 months in advance >>
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Reminder:
sorry but who wants to search “price: high to low”
If you look up euphoria in the dictionary, there’s a picture of me killing a fly I’ve been chasing for three hours.
I sneezed so many times I can now hear the color blue
wife: I saw a baby on the way to work
me: how do you know?
wife: how do I know I saw a baby on the way to work?
me: yeah, did it have a tiny briefcase or something?
wife: what
It was the best of times, it was the trying to get to the recipe at the bottom of a food blog of times
– How can you read that without your glasses?
– I use my imagination
So much rainfall recently that Devon is now officially classed as a soup.
Hubs: You can play outside for 5 more minutes as long as you don’t throw a tantrum when I tell you to come in.
6yo: I might not throw a tantrum. Or I might throw a little tantrum. I don’t know. We’ll see.
my boss: Your emails are full of spelling errors. Please watch that
me: not today santa
“Are you on Facebook?”
“No, but I’m on..
(don’t say twitter, don’t say twitter)
..Mescaline”
(Nailed it)
Brushed the fur off my couch and made another cat.
My dog wakes up at 4:30 every morning so he can take a nap by 6.
uh oh we better all stand up for the old man in the dress who bangs a tiny hammer down or he might decide that we have to live in a cage
FB: you have memories to look back on
Wine: i’ll take care of this
[cop knocks on the door of a steamed up car]
[I get out holding a bowl of melted butter & wearing a lobster bib] this better be important
I would explain it to you but I’m all out of puppets and crayons.
Honey, I’m afraid we can’t get married anymore. weed_hitler69 just told me I was gay.
*looks at Xbox*
Thank you sir. You’ve changed my life.
I don’t mean to brag but I have the face of someone with a great personality
If you answer the right answer on a “wrong answer only” post, didn’t you technically follow the instructions?
Apocalypse life hack: mute the news and play White Stripes “seven nation army”. It’s still horrible but it feels so much cooler
[Deleting all work emails]
THESE DON’T BRING ME JOY!
*roundhouse kicks neighbor’s mailbox into street*
I DO NOT LIKE FAKE BARNS
Me to my dog: Stop barking now.
My dog: BUT EVERYTHING IS A FOX!
Me: It’s ok.
Dog: I WILL PROTECT YOU, IDIOT!
*gets lockjaw when putting on eyeliner*
Listen, it took 5 Guys to make that burger. That’s why it’s $16.99.
don’t care who let the cat out of the bag. who’s puttin cats in bags
doctor: do you have a name picked out?
me: yah it’s St-
wife: we are not naming our daughter starscream
“Am I the only one who-?”
There are over 7 billion people on earth. No. No you’re not the only one.
I hate being an adult … I thought it was just a phase.