A religious family member literally said “Spongebob goes too far sometimes” and I can not stop laughing.
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date: what do u do
me: well u know big bird
date: omg. u play him
me: no *places a crossbow on the table* i hunt him
My daughter said it’s 11:11 make a wish and my son said I wish everyone would shut up so I think he’s ready for adulthood now.
the little umbrella is so unnecessary like my drink is already wet bro.
Missionary, so we can keep arguing
my biggest fear is waking up and being in the renaissance era or something. imagine having the knowledge of hotdogs but lacking the tools to make them
You know when motorcyclists give a little wave to each other, I do that when I see someone else eating in their car.
I have decided to stop exercising and just learn Photoshop.
CONTRACTOR: it’s a small leak you just need a plumber
BOWSER: castle’s ruined boys we’re moving!
Saw a long chin hair and tried to pluck it with my nails but instead, curled it like a ribbon
[first date]
Me: that is hilarious
Date: …
Me: wait, bread or dead?
Date: how would my parents be bread?
I’m obsessed with you. Not like peak through your window obsesseHEY I LIKE THAT DRESS WEAR THAT ONE
You, an intellectual: Actually it’s not called “Calvary”, its real name is “Golgotha”.
Me: Weird hill to die on, but okay.
[a 2nd grade classroom 5 yrs from now]
TEACHER: Khaleesi M, please leave Khaleesi S alone. Khaleesi T, I still need your permission slip
i love hoodies man.
am i skinny ? am i fat ? nobody knows
well, my kid accomplished at least one of the two reminders she gave Alexa last night
me: do we have anything for a headache
wife: try the cupboard
me: won’t that get stuck in my throat
A good friend loves you and supports you, but a really good friend will hand you a block of cheese and then respectfully look away
For my morning walk, I’m not blasting music into my brain. You are not going to hear anything more lovely them the way the birds sound today and also I can’t get my earbuds to work.
Sorry sir, I don’t do colonoscopies until at least the fourth date, maybe the second sometimes.
doctor: your parents were in a car accident
me: how are they?
doctor: they’re extremely critical
me: so they’re awake, that’s good
interviewer: your resume says you lose focus easily
me: yes
interviewer: yes what
me: yes please
[creating eyelashes]
God: Give them a row of stiff hairs to protect their eyes.
Angel: Alright.
God: But make the hairs occasionally turn traitor and try to destroy the very thing they’re supposed to protect.
Angel: Dude, wtf is wrong with you?
Playdates were invented to force parents to clean their home
I like to play fetch with my cat….which, you know, is just me throwing stuff, followed by disappointment.
Spoiler alert: The fairytale ends with the prince at work, 3 whiney kids, and you are cinderella AND the wicked witch.
WIFE: COME AND GET RID OF THIS SPIDER
ME to spider: I told you, you’ll get your money. Leave my family out of this
SPIDER: you’ve got 2days
Dog 1: *whispering* you got any drugs?
Dog 2: who said that? Are you a spider?
Husband: Can you turn on the hose for me?
Me: Sure {awkwardly starts removing clothes}
A man started choking in the line at Wendys today. Luckily the manager jumped into action… And opened another register
Omg, you guys, the Jehovah’s Witnesses just showed up at my door, and I guess I’ve been living alone for too long because I talked so much they finally had to excuse themselves.