A religious family member literally said “Spongebob goes too far sometimes” and I can not stop laughing.
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[at work]
CW: Hey, I found your Twi…
Me: *jumps out window*
CW: …Twinkies.
i’ve had too much coffee
~ amateurs
Everyone talks about having an inner child but I have an inner raccoon who tells me to embrace the dark circles under my eyes, sleep all day and eat delicious trash
My computer crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see what’s happening.
You can totally mistake a slipper for a cat when you don’t have your glasses on. Even after you pet it, you can’t be sure.
Just tried a “sorry this is my first day” to a customer’s question and he was like I saw you here two weeks ago!
[getting murdered]
Hang on, let me clear my browsing history
house sitting!
Avalanches won my recent poll of the world’s favourite natural disasters, by a landslide.
grandma what big eyes u have
The better to see u with my dear
What big ears u have
Well thats kinda rude
What big teeth u have
Ur grounded
M: that’s
O: not
R: how
O: acronyms
N: work
Wife: What kind of pants should I wear on the boat?
Inventor of the Kayak: What if the boat WAS your pants?!
Being 5’2”, when I’m going up for a high five, most people just lean in for a handshake.
Our forefathers fought against British rule so anyone can become president. For the first time in 240 years, we’re regretting that decision.
17 animal photos that will make you do a double take
HER: I’m leaving you
ME: But why?
HER: There’s just no chemistry between us anymore
CHEMISTRY: Wow, I’m like right here
In the bathroom:
Me: *Meticulously manscapes*
Plumber: “Please don’t do that while I am in here.”
oh she’s cooked
Here’s a little song about post-Christmas cleanup it’s called “Where the Hell Are We Going to Put All This Shit” and a one and a two
a vitamin for eyes called “v👁tamins” somebody write that down
Me: Excuse me, may I have a straw please?
*entire restaurant gasps*
I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket, so it looks like someone is buying name brand aluminum foil this week.
13: Can I have the password for Amazon?
Me: Certainly, honey. Ready?
13: Yep
Me: I-N-Y-O-U-R-D-R-E-A-M-S
It makes me a little sad that shaking a vending machine might be the closest I ever come to fighting a robot.
[on a date]
I’ve got butterflies in my stomach
“that’s so cute. You dont have to be nervous”
[flashback to me eating some butterflies] ok
Guy 1: I do a poor impression of Sean Connery.
Guy 2: Shame.
Reasons to keep spiders around
1. Eat flying insects
2. Occasional source of protein during sleep
3. We make rad webs
4. They do i mean they
romanian handyman I’ve known for two years came by today I said hey, how are you, he says “you do not need to say this”