A religious family member literally said “Spongebob goes too far sometimes” and I can not stop laughing.
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Guys, stop telling women “you’re beautiful” get creative. Tell her she looks like she could beat Taylor Swift in a fight. Tell her she looks like she could make nachos that would **ck you up for a week. Tell her she reminds you of a guy you knew in prison.
Did you know that simply replacing your cup of coffee in the morning with a refreshing glass of water can leave you both hydrated and in a terrible mood for the rest of the day?
How deep is your love?
Please show all work.
5 just told me she is on the phone and it’s not ok to interrupt her work call. Then hushed me as she walked away explained to her coworker how hard it is to work with parents around.
Her “phone” is the kitchen calculator.
I don’t like to brag, but we just threw my 5-year-old a birthday party and nobody cried.
– How was school?
4: Trenton said his dad likes to go outside and fight lions
– laughs
– oh honey– nobody would name their kid Trenton
Welcome to parenthood. You will be issued 5 overly noisy toys by people who you thought cared about you shortly.
I just saw a guy put deodorant on before walking into an adult bookstore.
I kinda want to date him now.
Married men live longer then single men. So if you want a slow death…… 😉
it’s cool how the members of Anonymous are so good at computer stuff, but also wrote so many great poems and inspirational quotations.
For the record, riding my unicycle to the bank robbery was a terrible idea.
EXPLORER: so we found all this new land
KING: Sweet What did you name it?
E: Newfoundland
K[rubbing bridge of nose]: Guards, execute him
Boss: It’s a make or break situation!
Me: I’ll take a break then tnx
I’m not flirting with you. I’m just nice. Get over yourself.
Except you. You get under me.
(Fancy restaurant)
Me: One food please.
Either that loud scream was a patient yelling for help or Fred pulled the string on the bird’s tail for quitting time-
Why my cw hates me
(Watching him change a flat tire)
Him: Grab the jack. We’re gonna need it
Me: We sure will
(Hands him the bottle)
Him: The CAR jack
Diet app pops up “What did you have for dinner?”
*looking at glass of wine*
*turns off phone*
6-year-old: Why do cars have cup holders?
Me: For cups.
6: But you can’t drink and drive.
New coworker: What brought you to Wyoming?
Me: I met my wife on Twitter and moved here
New CW: how did you get a woman to talk to you on Twitter?
Me: I didn’t say things like that?
If Keenan and Kel decide
That they both are satisfied
And illuminate the no
On their Good Burger sign
My grandfather tried to warn them about the Titanic. He screamed and shouted about the iceberg and how the ship was going to sink, but all they did was throw him out of the theater.
I realize I’m struggling with this phase of my life but in my defense I wasn’t planning on living this long
I hate when people say “I’d give up my first born child for that.”
If you really want to entice me, offer to raise one of mine.
This Halloween I’m going as that friendly guy who walked around your college campus but wasn’t even enrolled & turned out to be 28 & then disappeared completely
There are 4 stages in life
1)You believe in Santa Claus
2)You don’t believe in Santa Claus
3)You are Santa Claus
4)You look like Santa Claus
I’m at my most Alzheimer’s when Billy is that you?
That awkward moment when both your knees are bruised, but all you did was gardening..
Why would I pay for a haunted house when I can wake up to my kid silently standing by my bed at 5 AM.
“I’m sorry I didn’t see your text, I didn’t have my phone” is bullshit.
“I’m sorry I didn’t see your text, my phone was four feet away and a cat climbed into my lap” is real. It’s possible. It’s terrifying.