A religious family member literally said “Spongebob goes too far sometimes” and I can not stop laughing.
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The best thing about working at my office is that you can literally use as much toilet paper as you want in the restroom.
C’mon, I can’t be the only one that does kegels to pass the time in meetings
people in the Bronze Age actually lived far more luxurious lives than our own. Archaeological evidence indicates that they had vases with octopuses on them. do you have that? didnt think so
*decorating the tree*
6yo: Dad, can I help?
Me: Of course! First we string the lights, then we show Mommy & she tells us what we did wrong.
Don’t forget to wear your best clothes to church because Jesus was all about one-upping your neighbour with fancier duds.
“I can’t wait to see what my Happy Meal prize is! Wait…what the -”
[U2 is playing a free concert in the box]
Randomly covering one eye for long periods of time so people think I’m part of that cult
“To the window, to the wall” – me directing the carpet layers
*Biden climbs tree*
“Joe, you better get outta that fuckin tree.”
*Obama revs chainsaw*
I’m not dumb Barack. That’s way too heavy to throw.
I’m not sure which is a gentler way to wake me up; my 2yo or walking barefoot through a pile of glass shards.
if you were born before 1996 you are a millennial
if you were born after 2005 you are gen z
if you were born in between then you are an honorary member of the black eyed peas
As I drove into the cemetery, the GPS announced I had reached my final destination.
Grocery stores don’t change layouts to piss off the customers, they do it to piss off their employees. Trust me.
*burglar breaks in*
*i reach into my nightstand drawer, get my phone, & take his picture*
Burglar: No I have a double chin!
Me: I’ll post it
I WISH I WERE PAC-MAN SO WHEN I GOT UPSET I COULD EAT SOME CHERRIES & EVERYONE AROUND ME WOULD TURN INTO GHOSTS
Tinder is a food delivery app if you’re good at it.
Kids: Can we have cookies for breakfast?
Wife: Absolutely not.
Kids: Then why is he eating cookies for breakfast?
Me [mouth full of Oreos]: BECUFF IM AN ADULTF
My 4yo sang Old MacDonald but in his version “on that farm he was a cow” which was a plot twist M. Night Shyamalan would be proud of
I won $2 on the lottery last night so please, hold my calls.
[at a football game]
my kid: can i get a giant foam finger
me: no
my kid: why not
me: because you already ate three of them at halftime
I’m convinced that if Earth explodes all the cats will land safely on the moon, on their feet.
these physical therapy memes r ruthless bro
My five-year-old daughters noisily broke into my office during class. I tried to scoop them out on my own but failed. Went to the door to call for help and THEY LOCKED THE DOOR BEHIND ME and had a five-minute conversation with my students while I rambled on about “consequences.”
Me: What did you learn about at school?
10-year-old: States.
Me: What did you learn about them?
10: That there’s too many.
Get married and have kids so that you can Google things like “How to teach your kid to not bite”.
[2019 USA]
“Where are you from?”-Trumpsylvania, how about you?
“North Trumpkota”
That photo you’ve seen of me pushing children down to get in line 1st at the Pizza Hut buffet is most likely AI generated.
My high school “best friend” unfriended me on Facebook, so I guess the weight loss is noticeable.
You should be allowed to take your own food to KFC and have them kentucky fry it for you.